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Anyway, It's been a wild offseason and I'm just trying to catch
my breath after hearing the latest happenings. First off, what
in the name of John Elway's teeth is going on in the Mile High City?
Certainly, the biggest news of this offseason was Barry Sanders' decision to retire from the NFL. Then again, it's hard to tell if Barry has really hung them up as the Lion King has never been a team player during the dog days of training camp. Let's just hope this "retirement" means Barry's father, William, will finally shut up. Not only does he talk too much, he makes less sense than a swimsuit salesman in the Arctic. Any chance he is related to Richard Williams, father of tennis prodigies Venus and Serena? As God is my witness, I would rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and eat buffalo wings without blue cheese dressing than listen to either of these clowns. Speaking of dads, my pop, Chief Redskin, is cautiously optimistic about the chances of his Mighty Skins in 1999 with a new owner and a new attitude. In fact, the Chief was recently heard making reservations for a stay in Atlanta, Ga., in the month of January. Let's not get too excited, Chief - I'm waiting until we trounce Dallas in week one. While
the Skins will win the NFC East, the league's surprise team will
be the Philadelphia Eagles who, I promise you, will win at least
one ballgame. Circle Jan. 2, my cheesesteak-eating, battery-tossing
friends, when the Rams venture to Veteran's Stadium. No, Dick Vermeil's
animals won't be afraid to go to the Vet but I see a 2-0 Birds'
win when St. Louis QB Kurt Warner inadvertently runs out of his
own end zone. Also,
I like the Packers to top the Jets in the Super Bowl but
enough about the distant future - read below to see what will happen
in week one of the '99 season. 1998 records in parentheses. All times are Eastern. Picks are against the spread.
Kansas City (7-9) at Chicago (4-12) Line:
KC -3 TV: CBS, 1 pm That
said, I'm not sure the Bears new headmaster, Dick Jauron has the
right stuff, either. I've got a question: How in the world did
he get the Chicago job after giving up 21 points a game as Jacksonville's
defense coordinator in 1998? Then again, if the Bears front office
were running the City of Chicago, they'd hire Mrs. O'Leary to run
the Fire Department. CHIEFS
(Speak Out) This Packers team played second fiddle to Minnesota in '98 but I look for Favre & Co. to come out firing in week one. I've only got two serious questions about this team: 1) Can Antonio Freeman get some support and wide receiver? and 2) Is the new coach really Ray Rhodes? My goodness, he ran that Birds franchise into the ground like a man possessed and now he's being trusted to coach one of the top teams in the league? I've seen better coaches in Lamaze. Why
doesn't Ron Wolf just go to any one of Green Bay's 24-hour pubs
and give the nearest barstool occupant a headset and half a million?
The Pack may win games in '99, in fact I think they will, but it'll
be in spite of the corpse on the sidelines. RAIDERS
(Speak Out) "Yup, them hick towns can only get you Calvin OR Hobbes - not both," says an anonymous Indianapolis councilman, straw dangling between both of his teeth. In all honesty, I'm just kidding my Midwestern friends, some of the best trailer parks I've been to are in Indianapolis. BILLS (Speak Out)
Carolina (4-12) at New Orleans (6-10)
Line: NO -3 TV: Fox, 1 pm New
Orleans season went kaput in the preseason when star defensive end
Joe Johnson collapsed with a season-ending knee injury. Carolina
won't win eight this season but they'll beat the Saints with little
trouble. Let's just hope that Panthers tailback Fred Lane keeps
the crotch-grabbing to a minimum. PANTHERS
I'm tempted to take the case of Jell-O wearing the Jets sweater but I think the loss of Wayne Chrebet will hurt this team like calorie restrictions hurt the Guru. Throw in the fact that my man Tony the Patriot, arguably the world's greatest sausage chef, recently purchased a Parcells voodoo doll and I've got to like the Pats. Best
case scenario: The game ends in a tie and that clown of a Jets
fan who wears the fireman's helmet and jumps on his buddy's shoulders
is diagnosed with vertigo. PATRIOTS
(Speak Out) The
Mighties, on the other hand, are primed and ready for action, thanks
to the whirling dervish that is pint-sized owner Daniel Snyder.
True, I could put Snyder on my knee and use him as a puppet but
I like what this guy has done with the organization, especially
when he canned 23 front office workers, including several secretaries.
I can hear him know... On
the field, the Skins are much improved, largely due to the acquisitions
of QB Brad Johnson and CB Champ Bailey, the best player in the entire
draft. Ho hum. Looks like a string of Bowls for the Skins. SKINS
(Speak
Out) Atlanta played over its head last season, much like the Chargers team a few years ago that advanced to the Super Bowl. I don't expect QB Chris Chandler to stay healthy and the club will miss LB Cornelius Bennett more than it thinks. Throw in the fact that Jamal Anderson can't repeat last year's performance and you've got a Falcons team struggling to reach the NFC playoffs. Minnesota,
on the other hand, is a team to be reckoned with, especially if
Randy Moss is as good as he was in 1998. The town better enjoy the
good times while they last as owner Red McCombs is making noise
about moving the club to a different locale, say his hometown
of San Antonio. A couple of wild men like Randall Cunningham and
David Robinson in the same town: Look out, Donnie and Marie. Now I'll admit that the Jags are more than loaded offensively with Brunell, Taylor, Smith, Boselli and McCardell but the defense shows me absolutely nothing. Oh, there's talent with Kevin Hardy, Carnell Lake and Tony Brackens but talent won't get you anything but a nice Web site and a horde of female admirers (see Stahl, George). On
the other hand, I look for the Niners to make one last gasp before
Steve Young and Jerry Rice go the way of the Edsel and cheap food
at the ballpark. If Bryant Young, he of the snapped leg, contributes,
this Niners team just may be dancin' come January. NINERS
(Speak
Out) Speaking of Seattle takes me back to my honeymoon when I went to that city's weak excuse for a sports bar in 1997 to watch my Mighty Skins fall to Baltimore as Bam Morris ran for upwards of 150 yards. As my lovely bride, Lady Fanwood, got the first of what would become more than 50 haircuts, I recall beating my head on a table made of hemp as some pseudo sports fan next to me read The Economist and drank a hot cup of Earl Grey with pinky extended. Never mind the fact that the waitresses would serve me nothing but Java and Nirvana was blaring in the background. Still, I've got to admit that the cappuccino wings weren't bad. As
for Dee-troit, this club is uglier than the group picture from an
inbred reunion deep in the Appalachian Mountains. SEAHAWKS
(Speak Out) Tampa, on the other hand, seems poised to rebound after last season's fall from grace. DT Warren Sapp reported to camp in good shape and QB Trent Dilfer may finally be ready to lead a team well into the playoffs. I
don't know if New York can make it to the postseason (and I've got
my mother saying rosaries to ensure that they don't) but I know
Tampa isn't going to struggle like it did last season. Look for
Sapp and friends to be on Graham like Clinton on an intern.
BUCS
(Speak Out) Seriously, it's great to have the gridiron back where it belongs in a city which is arguably one of the true armpits of America. I wouldn't say Cleveland is a terrible place to live but, as an honest journalist, I think I have to. The
Steelers won't have a great season but they'll pummel this bad Browns
team, especially since Chris Spielman has retired. Heck, Kordell
Stewart might even throw for 100 yards. STEELERS
(Speak Out) Denver's Mike Shanahan surprised everyone in the preseason by naming Brian Griese his starting quarterback. I think Griese can play but this move has all the appearances of an ego play by Shanahan, who may want to show folks he can win the Super Bowl with anyone behind center. "Now at emergency quarterback for the Broncos, Gumby. No. 16, Gumby." Adding
to the scene Monday night will be the retirement of John Elway's
No. 7 jersey. I was growing up in Denver when Elway, and the mania
surrounding his arrival, came in 1983 and can honestly say he'd
have no problem finding takers to wipe his fanny if he put the project
up for bids. $150 is my final offer, by the way. BRONCOS
(Speak
Out)
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