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Week
11: Guru Can't Believe His Eyes
 My
friends, the Guru is seeing things
and what he's seeing is far from appealing.
This has nothing to do with the new full-length mirror I installed.
No, I was at the Vet last weekend and saw the generous Skins give
a victory to a Birds team that had no interest in winning.
The highlight of the day was the cuisine of Tony the Patskin, nee
Tony the Patriot, as the Guru found his way to seven of that man's
Italian sausages. (Initially, the count was thought to be 10 but
it turned out that the Guru had eaten three of his own stubby fingers
while devouring the delicious port.)
Unfortunately, the performance of the Mighty Skins was, in a
word, pathetic. They didn't tackle overrated tailback Duce Staley
and their special teams was about as effective as aftershave on
a skunk. Or on a Philadelphian.
Mark my words: if the Skins lose this week to the New York Giants,
the playoffs will only be seen on television in our nation's capital.
Last week I went 9-6, moving my record to 42-29. The Lock of
the Week, which fell to 2-1 as the Steelers lost to Cleveland,
returns to Jacksonville where I adore the Jags against a brutal
New Orleans outfit.
The Standings
| The
Guru |
42-29 |
...and
good looking, too! |
| The
Norvell |
37-51-1
|
...that
37 looks familiar. |
| The
Swamp Fox |
34-80-1
|
...an
interview in D.C.? |
Enjoy the weekend and please e-mail
me with any questions or comments.
All times are Eastern.
Carolina (3-6) at Cleveland
(2-8) TV: , 1 p.m.
The Panthers took it on the chin in St. Lou while Cleveland got
its second win since Art Modell gave in to his crab cake addiction.
For some reason, I'm impressed with Carolina coach George Seiftert,
though the record would seem to indicate he hasn't done a banner
job. He's restored a sense of pride that hasn't existed in that
state since back when people were allowed to marry their own farm
animals. Panthers, 21-17. (Speak
Out)
Detroit
(6-3) at Green Bay (4-5) TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Everyone on God's green Earth is blasting Lions coach Bobby
Ross for going for two late in Sunday's game at Arizona: my mother
called, my doughnut salesman phoned, heck, even my rabbi weighed
in and I'm not even Jewish!
The Lions had a tough week but the Packers are not a good football
team right now. If Detroit can't beat Green Bay with little ease,
I just might make the Bucs my favorite to win the Central. Packers,
17-16.
(Speak Out)
New England (6-3) at Miami (7-2) TV: CBS,
1 p.m.
The Pats had a golden opportunity to tie the Dolphins for first
in the AFC East but instead wet the bed in a clunker against the
Jets.
Blame it on the Curse of Tony the Patskin, the former New Englander
who left a life of sin and debauchery to root for the Mighty Skins
and his main man in D.C. Political bumper sticker seen on Tony's
car this past week: Marion Barries the Competition. Dolphins,
24-20. (Speak
Out)
Buffalo (6-3) at New York Jets (3-6)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m .
The Bills and Jets both scored big wins against AFC East competitors
last week, with the Buffalo win over Miami a serious wakeup call
to the entire NFL.
The Jets won behind the legs of Curtis Martin, the arm of Ray Lucas
and the triple chin of Bill Parcells, who is on his last coaching
legs. By halftime, Bills QB Doug Flutie will have the coach popping
more Rolaids than critics who saw the last film starring Ellen Degeneres.
Bills, 27-17. (Speak
Out)
Indianapolis
(7-2) at Philadelphia (3-6) TV: , 1 p.m.
After nine games, the surprising Colts find themselves in a tie
for first in the best division in football. Indianans haven't been
this surprised since IU's Bobby Knight began teaching anger management
courses.
The Birds may have the worst team in all of football but their fans
feel they have hope with the decision to start Donovan McNabb at
QB. My friends, I ask you not to hope, as hope plays tricks on men.
Case in point: Andy Reid once hoped to become an NFL head
coach. Colts, 33-10.
(Speak Out)
Seattle (7-2) at Kansas City (5-4) TV:
CBS, 1 p.m.
Joey Galloway is back and all of Seattle is happy. Well, everyone
but head coach Mike Holmgren, who wouldn't even crack a smile if
twin brother Craig Stadler won The Masters.
It's reckoning time for Chiefs coach Gunther Cunningham and I reckon
he's about to get his behind kicked. Seahawks, 27-21.
(Speak
Out)
Atlanta (2-7) at Tampa Bay (5-4) TV: Fox,
1 p.m.
The Bucs have crept back into the playoff picture in recent weeks
behind the arm of Trent Dilfer, who is starting to show signs of
becoming a medicore quarterback.
Atlanta is floundering under the leadership of Dan Reeves, who leads
the league in pre-practice naps. Meanwhile, QB Chris Chandler, he
of the concussions, tops the NFL in on-field naps. Bucs, 22-3.
(Speak
Out)
Pittsburgh (5-4) at Tennessee (7-2) TV:
CBS, 1 p.m.
Things were looking good for the Steelers until they ran into the
weakling Browns.
Now, their season is hanging by a thread as they head to Tennessee.
I love the Titans in this ballgame for several reasons, including
this showstopper: they're better. Don't be surprised if this is
the weekend Pittsburgh head coach Bill does his Woody Hayes imitation
and clobbers an opposing player. Titans,
16-7.
(Speak Out)
Baltimore (3-6) at Cincinnati (1-9)
TV: CBS, 4:05 p.m.
Now playing, "The Ugly meets the Incorrigible."
No, I'm not talking about Monica Lewinsky's first tryst with B.
Clinton but of Cincy's home contest against a brutal Baltimore club.
The Ravens can't score but manage to be more offensive than the
new Greenwich Village play: "Guys and Guys." Bengals,
34-33.
(Speak Out)
Dallas (5-4) at Arizona (3-6) TV: Fox,
4:15 p.m.
Despite the absence of three stars on offense, the Cowboys
still managed to beat the Packers. Meanwhile, the Cards upset Detroit,
probably the first time Arizona's done something right since agreeing
to take the rest of the country's aged and incontinent.
This Dallas team isn't good but neither are the Cards. I'd take
Arizona if QB Jake Plummer were starting, but he's not. What now-starter
Dave Brown has done for quarterbacking, the Yugo did for the luxury
car market. Cowboys, 24-14.
(Speak
Out)
Chicago (4-6) at San Diego (4-5) TV:
, 4:15 p.m.
The Bears are high after a win over Green Bay and a tight loss to
Minnesota but the Chargers are reeling like a burrito-less Guru.
Dick Jauron will do a nice job in Chicago but my verdict is out
on San Diego's Mike Riley, who is spending his first season on the
professional level. The Guru's fearless prediction says Riley will
be gone by the end of the 2001 season, left to wander the Earth
as a second-string carnie for the rest of his days. Bears, 12-7.
(Speak
Out)
St. Louis (7-2) at San Francisco (3-6)
TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
The Rams bounced back with a win over Carolina last week and head
to San Fran for a tussle with a Niners team that's headed for its
first losing season since 1982.
Just think, the last time the Niners were considered losers, the
Guru's cholesterol was under 200 and John Travolta was a popular
actor.
St. Louis has far too much firepower for the Niners to contend with.
Throw in the fact that San Fran has folded the tent like an Eagle
Scout and we're looking at a romp by the Rams. Rams, 37-21.
(Speak Out)
New York Giants (5-4) at Washington (5-4)
TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
Ladies and Gents, I am absolutely terrified by this ballgame.
The last time these teams met, the Skins hung 50 on the Giants vaunted
defense and the folks from NYC have promised revenge.
Of course, the Skins chances are decent because of the ineptitude
of the Giants offense, which is as potent as wet dynamite. I'm keeping
my brain out of this one. Skins, 23-20.
(Speak Out)
New Orleans (2-7) at Jacksonville (8-1)
TV: ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
Folks, this game is the biggest mismatch since the Guru
played chess with Bobby Fischer. Let's just say that yours truly
knows his way around a board and Fischer's mind ain't what it used
to be.
With each passing week, the days get shorter for Mike Ditka and
I'm not just saying that because it's late in the fall. The Jags
are out of sync on offense but they could be out of the country
and win this one. Jags, 30-9. (Speak
Out)
Oakland (5-4) at Denver (3-7) TV: ABC,
9 p.m.
The Broncos are out of the playoff race and the Raiders
need a win if they're to contend in the highly competitive AFC.
When in doubt, always go against the Raiders, who tend to come up
big about as often as the Hobbit. Jon Gruden is a decent coach but
he's fighting uphill against Al "Honey I Killed the Franchise"
Davis. Broncos, 30-19.
(Speak Out)
Lafayette (2-3, 4-6) at Lehigh (4-1, 9-1)
Saturday, 12:30 p.m.
The nation's most-played college football rivalry is on
again and the 135th meeting will be a special one for a couple of
reasons. First, bubblebutt Lafayette coach Bill Russo has finally
decided to call it quits, about six years too late, and, most importantly,
the Guru and Lady Fanwood are planning a MONSTER tailgate in the
gorgeous Lehigh Valley.
Rivalry logic oftens leads people to say that "you can throw
out the records" but, my friends, I only say that when my team
isn't that good. This Patriot League tilt will be tight for a while
but look for the Mountain Hawks to make some plays late and win
by a healthy margin. Lehigh, 33-21.
(Speak Out)
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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