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Week
12: Happy Thanksgiving
 My
friends, the Guru is thankful for
many things.
Strong faith in God. A loving family. A good job. And, the opportunity
to consume the delicious sausage of Tony the Patskin, nee Tony the
Patriot, on a frequent basis.
On the football front, I am thankful that my Mighty Skins participate
in the NFC East, which is to the NFL as Shake 'N Bake is to fine
dining.
The Mighties aren't a great football team. Heck, on many days they
aren't even average but they came up big on Sunday against the Giants
and I'll take it.
Speaking of the Giants, has there ever been a more putrid offensive
team in the history of the game, with an average of just 17.0
points per game?
Wait, come to think of it, there certainly has - this year's Browns
(10.5) and Falcons (12.7) and Cardinals (12.8) and Bengals (14.6)
and Eagles (15.1) and Chargers (15.6) and Buccaneers (15.8) and
Niners (16.3) and Jets (16.7).
With all the moves the NFL has made to help offenses, it's stunning
that teams struggle to put the ball in the end zone. It sure looks
like more than a few NFL offensive coordinators should be thankful
for their jobs on this holiday.
On a happier front, last week I was 13-3, including Lehigh's victory
over Lafayette, moving my record to 55-32. Let me take care of a
couple of those offenses.
The Lock of the Week, now at 3-1, travels to the hinterlands
of Minnesota, where the Vikings are sure to lay a whippin' on the
fading Chargers.
Please check back Friday for the rest of the Guru's picks.
The Standings
| The
Guru |
55-32 |
How
does he do it? |
| The
Norvell |
38-51-1
|
Light
at end of tunnel? |
| The
Swamp Fox |
34-80-1
|
Hello
Cincinnati! |
The
Games
All times are Eastern. Picks are straight up, not against the spread.
Chicago (5-6) at Detroit
(6-4) TV: 12:30 p.m., Fox
The Bears have been revived by the arm of (gasp!) journeyman Jim
Miller, whose NFL resume is as impressive as the average Chicagoan's
vocabulary. Bar, tavern, Cubs, Bulls, Bears, Old Style...that's
pretty much it.
Detroit started 6-2 but has experienced a couple of tough losses
in recent weeks. Is their magic finally running out? Hey, if Doug
Henning can keep it going for this long, so can Bobby Ross &
Co. Lions, 26-24. (Speak
Out)
Miami
(8-2) at Dallas (5-5) TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The prodigal son - Jimmy Johnson - returns to Dallas but
I don't see Jerry Jones killing the fatted calf, unless Nike asks
him to. These guys act like they respect each other but that's like
the Guru pretending he doesn't want the last helping of stuffing.
And I'm a bowl scraper, my friends.
Dallas usually performs well on Thanksgiving but the Dolphins are
red hot and I'm not sure the return of Troy Aikman will make much
of a difference. How about a repeat of the gaffe Dallas defensive
tackle Leon Lett committed on Thanksgiving a few years ago? Dolphins,
23-20 .
(Speak Out)
Arizona (4-6) at New York Giants (5-5) TV:
Fox, 1 p.m.
Neither of these teams has an offense to speak of, though the Giants
think they'll be able to move the ball behind Kerry Collins. With
overly optimistic thinking like that, I suppose coach Jim Fassel
also expects to get good service at a toll booth on the New Jersey
Turnpike.
This Arizona team is perhaps the league's most disappointing and
Sunday won't be any better. Giants, 20-12. (Speak
Out)
Jacksonville (9-1) at Baltimore (4-6)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
Last week, the Jags gave up their first rushing touchdown of
the season in a win over the Saints. Meanwhile, the Ravens had to
get an overtime field goal to beat the absolutely hapless Bengals.
The Ravens have surrendered just 181 points in 10 games but their
offense waves the white flag on a weekly basis. As sure as I'm cooking
sausage, Baltimore will turn it over five times on Sunday. Jaguars,
16-0 . (Speak
Out)
New
England (6-4) at Buffalo (7-4) TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
Still reeling from the defection of former No. 1 fan Tony the Patriot,
New England is in fourth place in the AFC East. In fact, if the
season ended today, the Patriots wouldn't make the postseason and
coach Pete Carroll wouldn't make it out of the parking lot. Well,
at least some of his appendages wouldn't.
Buffalo has shown tremendous grit in recent weeks, despite last
week's defeat to the Jets. I'd be shocked, dismayed and hungry if
the Bills didn't roll over the Pats this weekend. Bills, 27-14.
(Speak Out)
New Orleans (2-8) at St. Louis (8-2)
TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
I think Saints coach Mike Ditka is a great man and a good football
coach but let's face it: his act has worn as thin as a pair of the
Guru's lycra boxers.
Kurt Warner & Co. continue to crush everyone in their wake and
there's no reason to think this week will be any different. Emotional
moment of the week will occur in the fourth period when Rams coach
Dick Vermeil gets teary-eyed after spotting his ballet teacher from
the second grade. Rams, 50-2.
(Speak
Out)
Philadelphia (3-8) at Washington (6-4)
TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Just two weeks ago, the Eagles upset the Redskins, causing your
beloved Guru to upchuck half a dozen of the sausages he'd consumed
at the morning tailgate.
This week, the Mighties will rely on the strength of two men reclining
on their respective couches in the Midwest - Fatback Hobbs and
Chief Redskin, the one who sired the Guru. Fatback inspires
the Skins with his feats at the dinner table, which he'll butter
and munch on if he gets hungry, while the Chief cites in-game napping
as his most important contribution. Skins, 33-16.
(Speak
Out)
San Diego (4-6) at Minnesota (6-4) TV:
CBS, 1 p.m.
The honeymoon is over for Dan Riley in San Diego. The Guru and many
others questioned the Chargers decision to hire the neophyte coach
after he guided Oregon State to a 5-6 record in 1998.
Now, the Chargers are falling faster than Ryan Leaf on a bad patch
of flag football grass and Dennis Erickson's Beavers are a bowl-bound
7-4. Minnesota is lighting it up recently and Sunday's game will
be a virtual Menlo Park. Vikings,
41-14.
(Speak Out)
Tennessee (8-2) at Cleveland (2-9)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
What's a bigger surprise, that Tennessee has been able
to win eight games or that Cleveland has managed to win two. I'm
impressed by coach Jeff Fisher's club but the Browns two wins are
nothing short of miraculous.
That said, the city of Cleveland is in for a rough 20 years or so
with a weak football team and a baseball team on the decline. Throw
in the fact that Drew Carey doesn't look as good as he used to and
it might be time to take Prime Minister Chretien up on his offer
to annex Ohio. Titans, 24-16.
(Speak Out)
Kansas City (5-5) at Oakland (5-5) TV:
CBS, 4:15 p.m.
KC Coach Gunther Cunningham's distaste for the Raiders is
legendary. In fact, Cunningham won't even wear silver and black,
which is good because it'd clash with his eyes and banana-colored
glasses.
Is there any coach in football with a more bone-chilling glare than
Jon Gruden? Man, I'd rather undergo surgery without anesthesia and
eat fat free cheese than get on his bad side. Raiders, 26-25.
(Speak
Out)
New York Jets (4-6) at Indianapolis
(8-2) TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The Jets are playing good ball but the Colts are even better, relying
on the trio of Peyton Manning, Edgerrin James and Marvin Harrison.
Even if the Jets finish strong, I look for this to be the swan song
for Bill Parcells, who takes being miserable to a new level. This
week's example: He woke up half an hour early each morning to throw
rocks at his paper boy. Colts, 34-24. (Speak
Out)
Tampa Bay (6-4) at Seattle (8-2) TV:
Fox, 4:15 p.m.
The Bucs are making a playoff run but things won't get easier in
Seattle, where the Seahawks are flying higher than a helium-filled
Joey Galloway.
Coach Mike Holmgren has turned the Seahawks into a good football
team almost overnight, reminding many of the Guru's transformation
from duckling into a swan at the debutante's ball. Seahawks,
24-9.
(Speak Out)
Atlanta (2-8) at Carolina (4-6) TV: ESPN,
8:20 p.m.
Wow, the folks at ESPN must be happy about this ballgame.
A dud team with an old coach against a dud team with an old coach
who thinks he's young. Well, at least the Panthers are still playing
hard - the Falcons mailed it in as soon as RB Jamal Anderson went
down with an injury in Week One.
Bad news for Atlanta: the commissioner's office has just ruled that
you have to score to win. Game over. Panthers, 30-7.
(Speak Out)
MONDAY
Green Bay (5-5) at San Francisco (3-7) TV: ABC, 9 p.m.
The Packers aren't good but mark my words: the Niners will
not win another game this season. This team has quit on Steve Mariucci
and, like a good crop of tomatoes, you can bet he'll be canned when
the season is over.
My suggestion is to sit back, grab a snack and enjoy the demise
of these two franchises. Packers, 29-13. (Speak
Out)
SATURDAY
Lehigh (10-1) at Hofstra (10-1) TV: Fox Sports New York, Noon
On the off-chance you're not enamored with the I-AA football
playoffs, I'll be brief. 1) Lehigh will run up and down on the Dutchmen
this weekend. 2) Tony the Pat and I will will resume our carnivorous
ways. 3) The rumors about Tony and I are untrue. Lehigh, 37-34.
(Speak Out)
Tell the Guru what you
think of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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