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Week
14: Paying Last Respects To Norvell
 My
friends, the Guru is looking resplendent
in his black spandex suit as the Norvell Turner era is laid to rest.
With their playoff destiny in their hands, the Mighty Skins, three-time
Super Bowl champions, rolled over and played dead against an overrated
Dee-troit team starring Gus Frerotte. Yes, that Gus Frerotte.
The Skins committed 14 penalties and turned it over five times but
the bulk of the blame belongs to none other than Norvell, who ignorantly
shied away from the running game after an outstanding first half
by Stephen Davis, then the NFL's leading rusher.
The worst thing about the demise of Norvell is this: the man can
coach and is, without question, one of the top two or three offensive
coordinators in the NFL. Unfortunately, he's about as comfortable
as a head coach as the Guru is in heels and fishnet (I prefer "flats"
and lace, thank you very much).
Now the Skins are in the precarious position of facing Arizona,
whose QB, Jake Plummer would rise from a coma to play the Skins.
In fact, he once beat us while lying in bed and, if I'm not mistaken,
he was missing an eye and had a goiter in one of last year's contests.
Speaking of contests, the Lock of the Week (5-1) goes to Buffalo,
where the Bills are mortal locks to beat a Giants team that is coming
off its first decent offensive effort of the late '90s.
Have a different opinion? Send
me an e-mail and I'll tell you where you've gone wrong.
The Standings
| The
Guru |
71-46
|
As
go the Skins, so goes the Guru. |
| The
Norvell |
39-52-1
|
Next
stop...the Resume Doctor. |
| The
Swamp Fox |
34-80-1
|
Interviewing
in Houston? |
The
Games
All times are Eastern. Picks are straight up, not against the spread.
Arizona (6-6) at Washington
(7-5) TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
There is no team in the league that haunts the Skins like Arizona,
which finds a way to beat Washington nearly every time. I've bolted
awake in the middle of the night so many times, sweating profusely
and screaming "Please don't hurt me Snake, don't hurt me!"
that my wife no longer allows me to bring reptiles into the bedroom.
Fortunately for the Skins, a victory has been guaranteed by none
other than the pleasantly plump Fatback Hobbs, friend of
the Guru and favorite of chicken finger wholesalers from Maine to
Miami. Fatback's a good ol' boy from the hills of North Carolina,
where the men are men and the women look like men. Skins, 29-27.
(Speak
Out)
Baltimore
(5-7) at Pittsburgh (5-7) TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
This game pits two of the two cities where Hall of Fame
QB Johnny Unitas played during a wonderful NFL career. Unfortunately
for the Ravens and Steelers, he'd be the best QB on the field if
he showed up this Sunday.
Taking the field for Pittsburgh is Mike Tomczak, the quarterbacking
equivalent of Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards. Dear Mike, The
item in your mailbox is your pension check. Ravens, 16-12.
(Speak Out)
Carolina (5-7) at Green Bay (7-5) TV: Fox,
1 p.m.
I can't say enough about the job George Seifert has done with Carolina,
so I won't say anything. Meanwhile, the Packers are getting healthy
at the right time and, at first glance, seem primed to make a playoff
run.
From the News You Might Not Have Heard Dept.: In event of a complete
collapse, judges ruled that Green Bay head coach Ray Rhodes is not
competent to stand trial. Panthers, 30-28. (Speak
Out)
Cleveland (2-11) at Cincinnati (3-10)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
At this point, Cleveland fans are wondering why the city elected
to bring back football. Bengals backers, on the other hand, are
glad pigskin hasn't returned to their town.
Ideally, this would be the second meeting between rookie QBs Tim
Couch and Akili Smith but Smith is on the shelf, presumably searching
for a first name that makes sense. Bengals, 37-10. (Speak
Out)
Detroit
(8-4) at Tampa Bay (8-4) TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Dee-troit won impressively against Washington last week while the
Bucs won a big game against Minnesota. The Tampa win was nice but
they did it without the benefit of an offense.
Detroit returns Charlie Batch to the starting lineup this week as
Gus Frerotte returns to where he belongs, and I'm not talking about
Washington. It's merely a prediction but I'll say Batch doesn't
finish the game. Bucs, 13-10.
(Speak Out)
New England (7-5) at Indianapolis (10-2)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The Pats just haven't gotten it done in recent weeks, though they
did win a big one last week against Dallas. Meanwhile, Indy showed
its mettle by winning a very tight game in Miami.
The Guru has just learned that the Patriots are in conversations
with the lawyers of Tony the Patskin to bring their one-time favorite
son back to New England. The word is that Tony, a very hairy Italian,
is requesting a calzone, an Epilady and an audience with Tony Bennett.
The meeting with Bennett is the sticking point as he reportedly
can't stand I-talians. Colts, 28-23.
(Speak
Out)
New York Giants (6-6) at Buffalo (8-4)
TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
This week, a group of angry Manhattan residents filed a lawsuit
against anyone referring to Jim Fassel's team as "the New York
football Giants," a tort that has more merit than intravenous
meat loaf.
The Bills haven't played a game in two weeks and they won't need
to play one this Sunday. Bills, 20-9.
(Speak
Out)
Philadelphia (3-10) at Dallas (6-6) TV:
Fox, 1 p.m.
The Birds could've done much to help the Skins last week but instead
wilted in the final few minutes against Arizona. Watching that game
was pure agony, kind of like seeing Ellen Degeneres in Technicolor.
Dallas has absolutely no business being in the NFC East race but,
thanks to the kindness of the Skins, they are a win or two from
being in great shape. You would think the Cowboys would roll on
the Eagles but Philly will play 'them tough before sticking another
stake in the Mighties. Cowboys,
17-16.
(Speak Out)
St. Louis (10-2) at New Orleans (2-10)
TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
The Rams have clinched the NFC West and coach Dick Vermeil
has turned on the faucets, crying like the Guru at a padlocked buffet.
I'm no St. Louis backer but I'm pulling hard against New Orleans,
as the Skins own the Saints first pick in the draft. Stat update:
If he gets 300 yards this week, running back Ricky Williams would
be just 500 yards from triggering a contract incentive of $75. Rams,
35-17.
(Speak Out)
Atlanta (3-9) at San Francisco (3-9)
TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
Atlanta hasn't been the same since Jamal Anderson blew out
his knee in the season opener at Dallas. San Fran hasn't been the
same since Huey Lewis and the News (and that isn't a good thing).
The Falcons, despite their absolutely brutal record, continue to
play hard but the Niners mailed it in weeks ago. Face it: When you're
starting Steve Stenstrom at QB, you don't have problems, you have
Hiroshima! Falcons, 24-16.
(Speak
Out)
Miami (8-4) at New York Jets (4-8) TV:
CBS, 4:15 p.m.
Cruising along two weeks ago, the Dolphins are now in real danger
of missing the playoffs. They won't have an easy mark this week
in New York, where the Jets would love nothing more than to make
Jimmy Johnson squeal like Ned Beatty on a rafting trip.
New York had a horrible game last week against the Giants, allowing
41 points to one of the worst offenses in all of sport. That said,
the Jets are playing well and it will be a dogfight against Miami.
Jets, 17-13. (Speak
Out)
San Diego (5-7) at Seattle (8-4) TV:
CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The Chargers haven't looked good since Bobby Ross left and Seattle
has seen its three-game division lead shrink to one.
In my 29 years, I've seen many things - the fall of the Berlin Wall,
the breakup of the Soviet Republic, Terminator II - but I'll
tell you one thing I don't envision: the Chargers making a game
of this one. Seahawks, 41-7.
(Speak Out)
Minnesota (7-5) at Kansas City (7-5)
TV: ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
The Vikings blew a golden opportunity to take control of
the NFC Central last week by losing at Tampa. On the other hand,
the Chiefs stepped up big time to beat the Raiders.
If KC wins nine games, Gunther Cunningham gets my vote for Coach
of the Year. If KC wins eight, I will claim to never have heard
of Cunningham. A tough spot for the Vikes in Arrowhead Stadium.
Chiefs, 23-20.
(Speak Out)
MONDAY
Denver (4-8) at Jacksonville (11-1)
TV: ABC, 9 p.m.
When the season began, this looked like one of the season's best
games. Now, it looks like a cruel joke on the television-watching
public. Hey, at least it isn't a Dharma and Greg rerun.
Jacksonville, at 11-1, still doesn't impress me. Hey, being a Redskins
fan, teams that stop the opponent just aren't attractive. Where's
the compassion? Where's the excitement? Where's the Norvell?
Patriots, 23-17. (Speak
Out)
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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