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Week
17: We Want Dallas...To Win?!?
 My
friends, the Guru saw seven years of pain, doubt and misery
depart on Sunday evening as the Mighty Skins rallied to topple San
Fran in OT, gaining the NFC East title.
Seven miserable years of sitting in sports bars and traveling to
exotic locales - St. Lou, Indy, Philly, the Meadowlands - have ended.
By my count, the past seven years have led me to 39 sports bars,
six NFL stadiums, 6500 wings, 14 bar maids who fell in love with
me and 65 nights of crying myself to sleep.
Well, the new era begins this Sunday when the Mighties reach deep
into the cabinet and pull out the tall can of whippin' as they face
the ever-fading Miami Dolphins.
Take the Skins, thank me later.
In another matter, I can't believe what I'm a-sayin' but I'm rooting
for a Dallas victory this Sunday against a horrendously under-talented
New York Giants team.
Why? Simply, the Skins want a piece of Dallas, which has tormented
them in recent years, in the first round at the House that FedEx
Built. Yes, I want Norvell & Co. to be the group that puts the
final nail in the coffin for the not-so big three of Smitty, Aikman
and Achin' (Michael Irvin.)
In an effort to inspire the struggling Cowboys, I've written a short
song, sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. With apologies
to the music industry and those of you with eyes and ears, here
it goes:
Should Dallas losses be forgot,
And never brought to mind,
Of Jerry breaking the cap rules,
And kickin' Chan's behind.
Should Dallas losses be forgot,
I remember every one,
As much as every Skins win,
Those 'Boys defeats were fun.
Should Dallas losses be forgot,
By the Guru and the Chief,
For I must say those days of pain,
For Dallas, were too brief.
Should Dallas losses be forgot,
As the Blue Star does fade,
The Chief and I will make the plans,
For an all-day long pa-rade.
Should Dallas losses be forgot,
We'll tap dance on their tombs,
And still we'll pray and hope at night,
There's no 'Boys in the womb.
Should Dallas losses be forgot,
I'm gettin' misty-eyed,
I must end this song right now,
And eat some batter-fried.
In other games this weekend:
Jets over Seattle: Dear Phil Luckett, Jets must be in end
zone to get six points. If you have any questions, please contact
Dennis Erickson, Corvallis, Ore.
Chicago over Tampa: This Bears squad, like the Guru, is lookin'
good.
Green Bay over Arizona: The Packers stink but Arizona is absolutely
rancid.
Buffalo over Indy: Colts are one win from triggering a clause
that makes Indiana an official U.S. state - Go Bills!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacksonville over Cincy: Coslet is returning? A sign of the
Apocalypse.
Carolina over New Orleans: Under NFL's odd tiebreaker formula,
7-8 Panthers must score 731 points and bake a flourless cake to
make the playoffs.
Minnesota over Detroit: "Barry Sanders? We don't need Barry
Sanders," say the Lions, 2-5 in their last seven games.
Baltimore over New England: Pete Carroll auditioning for
lead role in the new film, "Pete Carroll, High School Gym Teacher."
KC over Oakland: This week's National Enquirer suggests that
Al Davis and Hugh Hefner are the same person. Davis denies rumor
but begins wearing white robes and smoking pipes in Raiders' executive
offices.
Denver over San Diego: Despite injury, Broncos' Terrell Davis
leads league in bad soup commercials. Raise your hand if you'll
never eat Chunky again.
Tennessee at Pittsburgh: I liked Bill Cowher until he took the
pom pons from that poor cheerleader in the Dr. Pepper commercial.
What's she gonna do now - use her brain? She's a blonde, for goodness
sakes.
Atlanta over San Francisco: If Dan Reeves didn't have a coronary
this season, his doctors must be good.
This week's upset special: Philly beats the Rams behind Duce
Staley and about 400 batteries, tossed from the convicts in the
Vet's 700 level. After the game, Dick Vermeil cries and Andy Reid
eats a six-foot sub.
Last
week I was 11-4, which gives me home-field advantage throughout
the playoffs.
Have
a different opinion? Send
me an e-mail and I'll tell you where
you've gone wrong.
The Standings
| The
Guru |
105-56 |
Even
Knute Rockne is jealous. |
| The
Norvell |
41-53-1
|
Never
doubted you, my man. |
| The
Swamp Fox |
34-80-1
|
An
opening in Green Bay? |
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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Crystal Balls
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