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Week
18 : A B(rutal) C(ollege) Broadcast
 My
friends, the Guru is ready for the playoffs and incredibly pumped
about making the journey to FedEx Field this weekend with Chief
Redskin and Tony the Patskin.
Unfortunately Fatback Hobbs won't be able to make it as he
is trapped in Kansas City, where the only big sporting event in
January is the annual tumbleweed eating contest on the final Sunday
of the month. (By the way, I love Fatback in this contest. I wouldn't
say he's obese but his bed does remind me of George Foreman's Lean
Mean Grilling machine: when Hobbs gets on, the fat just runs of
the sides.)
Before we talk about the weekend's NFL playoff action, I pause to
rip ABC's announcers for a weak effort in the Sugar Bowl, despite
what my incredibly competent partner would have you believe.
Like most people with half a brain, I've got serious problems with
Brent Musburger and Gary Danielson, who treated Florida State head
coach Bobby Bowden with kid gloves.
In particular, I found it galling that Musburger made light of Peter
Warrick's arrest, referring to him as "the most famous shopper
since Imelda Marcos." How can we expect kids like Warrick to
be accountable when the media doesn't take things seriously?
Musburger didn't make me any happier when he shrugged off kicker
Sebastian Janikowski's curfew violation, laughing at Bowden's explanation.
What is it with Musburger and kickers? Last year, he had a love
for Kansas State kicker Martin Gramatica and Tuesday he couldn't
shut up about Janikowski, who had about as much impact on the game
as Musburger's hairpiece.
Finally, Lynn Swann, whom I usually like, made a major faux pas
in continuing to talk with Bowden as the Seminoles ran a second
quarter flea flicker. Hey Lynn, respect the game and I'll see what
I can do about getting you in the Hall.
Danielson could've stepped to the fore and made some strong statements
but the effort of he and Swann wasn't particularly disturbing. Musburger,
meanwhile, is a flat-out brutal announcer. Man, ABC looks silly
for having him do the title game, instead of Brad Nessler, who is
a) more talented and b) a no-nonsense guy.
With that unpleasantness behind us, it's time for the Guru to drop
a bomb: I was born a woman. Wait, wait, this is what I meant to
say: the Colts and Rams will be sitting home on Super Sunday.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the Rams got bounced right away,
particularly if their first playoff game is against the Vikings.
This team has played over its head all season long and playtime
is over.
The Colts are a much better bet to advance to the Bowl but I actually
like the Tennessee Titans to represent the AFC. Why? Two solid quarterbacks,
a great pass rusher and a veteran offensive lineman who can handle
any situation.
Let's just be glad Musburger won't be in Atlanta on Jan. 30.
This
weekend's picks:
Saturday
Buffalo (11-5) at Tennessee (13-3), 12:30 p.m., ABC
Bench Doug Flutie? What in the world is Wade Phillips thinking?
You can't do that to Bambi.
Sure the coach guided this team to 11 wins but I'm beginning to
think the Bills are winning in spite of him. For Buffalo's sake,
let's hope he drops his sandwich long enough to remove his head
from his fanny. Titans, 27-20
Detroit (8-8) at Washington (10-6), 4:05 p.m., ABC
Detroit is falling like a 94-year-old woman and the Skins won't
be there to catch them. It kills me to hear Lions QB Gus Frerotte
talk about what Norv Turner "did to him" when he was with
the Mighties.
Without Norv, Gus'd be back in Ford City, Pa., with his buddies,
shoveling coal in between bites of scrapple. Norv had the guts to
play Gus over Heath Shuler, who was selected about 200 picks ahead
of Frerotte - a lot of coaches would've played the bonus baby but
Norv didn't. It'll be sheer pleasure to see Frerotte struggle on
Saturday. Skins, 42-10
Sunday
Dallas (8-8) at Minnesota (10-6), 12:35 p.m., Fox
The fact that Dallas is in the playoffs is a sick, sick joke.
Look for the Vikes to lay a big-time whippin' on the Boys, with
Aikman, Smith and Irvin retiring during the third quarter. Denny
Green can't coach his way out of a paper bag but he won't have to
if he wants to beat Chan Gailey, who is beginning to look a lot
like Handley, Ray that is. Vikings, 34-17
Miami (9-7) at Seattle (9-7), 4:05 p.m., CBS
Speaking of teams that don't deserve to be in the postseason...
If this game were a film, it'd star Ernest and Lorenzo Lamas.
Who is the geezer impersonating Dan Marino? My goodness, he looks
as feeble as my great grandfather, who died in '08. I rarely side
with Jimmy Johnson but he is dead right when he says, privately
of course, that Marino must go the way of the Edsel. Seahawks,
29-14
Last
week I was 11-4. I know it's attractive but I'm sorry ladies, Lady
Fanwood says I'm no longer on the market.
Have
a different opinion? Send
me an e-mail and I'll tell you where
you've gone wrong.
The Standings
| The
Guru |
116-60 |
Tagliabue
asks to borrow C. Ball. |
| The
Norvell |
42-53-1
|
Forty-two!
Whee!!!!!!!! |
| The
Swamp Fox |
34-80-1
|
Marion...meet
Bill Parcells. |
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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