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Week
19: What A Wild Week It Was.
 My
friends, what a wild crazy week it was in the world of pro football.
-Buffalo fires its special teams coach after 13 years on the job,
largely due to the Bills' devastating loss to the Tennessee Titans.
-Dallas fires its coach after a pair of playoff seasons and Green
Bay releases its leader after just a year on the job.
-Oakland fires its defensive coordinator despite the fact that the
Raiders finished fifth in the league in defense.
-Tony the Redskin, nee Tony the Patriot, didn't cook enough
sausage for the historic tailgate in gorgeous Landover, Md. Still,
the Skins overcame the obstacle to defeat a pathetic Lions squad.
In fact, the only thing that went wrong at beautiful FedEx Field
was when I dropped my platter of chicken fingers and fries on the
cold, hard ground. To my surprise, this didn't alter the taste at
all.
Getting back to the week's personnel moves, I've got problems with
each of the aforementioned moves.
Yes, Rhodes stinks like a monkey's toejam but he should've gotten
more than one year...I think two would've done it. As bad of a coach
as Rhodes is and as much of a mistake as the Packers made in hiring
him, President Ron Wolf was wrong to can him.
Speaking of wrong, what in the world is Jesse Jackson doing - protesting
the firing of Rhodes? Hey Jesse, go fight some more important battles...and,
while you're at it, keep hope alive, my brother.
The moves to sack Chan Gailey was ridiculous, despite the fact that
Dallas let down at the end of the season but the most galling moves
were made in Buffalo and Oakland.
The Bills sacked longtime special teams coach Bruce DeHaven, who
had been with the team for 13 years, largely because of the kickoff
return that sent Buffalo home last weekend. Throughout the season,
coach Wade Phillips has been a stumbling bum and now he's trying
to cover his huge carcass. Here's an idea, Wade: check out your
local tent and awning store.
But the most disgusting move of the week was Oakland's decision
to fire its defensive coordinator, Willie Shaw, for talking with
other teams regarding job openings.
If we didn't know that Al Davis was clueless and senile (first tipoff
- wardrobe!), we know now. When Shaw came to the Raiders in 1997,
they were dead last in the league in defense. Now, they're fifth.
Is it any wonder Davis & Co. haven't been to the big one since
the Guru was a piker?
Last week's record: 3-1
Last week's MVP: Chief Redskin, who traveled from
Peoria, IL, to Landover to see the Mighty Skins pull out the tall
can of whippin' on Dee-troit. Man, I haven't seen my pops this happy
since I told him I was a Skins fan.
This week's MVP: Lady Fanwood, my lovely wife who is painting
our new home so I don't have to miss any important playoff action.
Finally, someone who knows marriage is all about sacrifice.
This weekend's picks:
Saturday
Miami at Jacksonville, 12:35 p.m., CBS
Because Dan Marino guided the Dolphins on a 92 yard drive to defeat
Seattle, everyone's hopping on the Miami bandwagon...except the
Guru. The Dolphins' defense looks good but ol' Dan looks about as
stable as one of the guests on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."
My goodness, have you seen some of those people? Half of them gotta
be mutants and the other half must've been born on the red planet.
I haven't been high on this Jacksonville team since day one and,
with a plethora of injuries, I've got even more reason to doubt
them. The Jags win the game but not easily. Jaguars, 19-17.
Washington at Tampa Bay, 4:15 p.m., Fox
I'm hearing a lot of talk about how the Mighties don't have
a chance in this game. Ridiculous. Outrageous. Reprehensible. Hogwash
(mmmmm).
I don't even give any credence to such doubters or to my recurring
nightmare: with four seconds left and the Skins down just two, Norv
trots out to attempt the game winning field goal in his boxers.
Leftfooted. Wearing a blindfold.
This Bucs defense is outstanding but the offense is less powerful
than Monty Burns. Prediction: Tampa's Shaun King hurts his team
with his silly mistakes while the Guru eats some silly cheesesteaks.
Skins, 17-14.
Sunday
Minnesota at St. Louis, 12:35 p.m., Fox
St. Louis is the most overrated team in all of the NF of L
and I was all set to predict a home loss for Dick Vermeil &
Co. Then the Minnesota Vikings entered the equation and all hope
was lost.
Denny Green may be a great drummer and a fine ladies man but, as
a football coach, he just doesn't get it done in the postseason.
He's about as successful in the playoffs as I'd be at Jenny Craig
- Monica or no Monica. And don't tell me she lost that weight on
her own; I believe an Oreck was involved.
Looks like I'm headed for St. Lou, my friends. Rams, 37-33.
Tennessee at Indianapolis, 4:05 p.m., CBS
All of a sudden, the Titans are a hot team? After they needed a
miracle to beat the Bills - are you kidding me?
As of this writing, the Colts are the best team in all of football
and the most ready for the postseason. I look for Peyton Manning
to have an enormous day as Indy absolutely smokes Tennessee.
The Colts special playoff promotion: fans with at least two of their
original teeth get 50% off any purchase involving meat on a stick.
Baby, where's my hammer? I'm gonna bang out these molars and head
to Indy. Colts, 33-10.
Last week I was 3-1, with the lone loss due to the arthritic
right arm of one Dante Marino.
Have
a different opinion? Send
me an e-mail and I'll tell you where
you've gone wrong.
The Standings
| The
Guru |
117-61 |
Unencumbered
by the facts. |
| The
Norvell |
43-53-1
|
Still,
he's no Guru. |
| The
Swamp Fox |
34-80-1
|
Marion...meet
Bill Parcells. |
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
Previous Crystal Balls
1998
Crystal Balls
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