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Week 2: Guru
on the Mend
My friends,
the Guru has had better weekends.
As some of you may have noticed, I went just 3-12 in my picks.
Now, I know the Eagles, Bengals and lowly Browns would be ecstatic
with such records but such an effort was embarrassing for someone
who finished 1998 on a hot streak like the Guru did.
Man,
the detractors came out of the woodwork after the pitiful effort,
with one "gentleman" even suggesting I make the site
Armchairmoron.com. I, of course, took the time to check it out
and found that the URL was taken - by the guy's mother.
But,
the real tragedy of the weekend involved my Mighty Skins,
who wilted like Darryl Strawberry in a moral dilemma, as they lost
to Dallas, 41-35, Sunday.
How
painful it was for me to sit in a local sports bar, next to some
pseudo Skins fan, who insisted that 1) Darrell Green, a lifelong
cornerback, is a free safety and 2) the Skins should get QB Brad
Johnson out of the game with a seven-point lead and three minutes
left "so he doesn't get hisself hurt."
I'm proud to say that I ignored him like I do my doctor's dietary
instructions, resisting the strong urge to "dot his 'i'
and cross his 't'." I'm not sure I would've shown the same
patience with the three starting defensive backs who missed the
game's last three minutes with cramps. For goodness sakes, Norv,
give me some men, not a bunch of sallies who can't remember to drink
water in 85-degree heat.
That said, I expect the Skins to rebound this week and I
will too, possibly winning as much as five games. Peace.
Week One Record: 3-12-0
1998 record: 117-102-7
All times are Eastern. Picks are against the spread.
Pittsburgh (1-0) at Baltimore (0-1) Line:
Pitt -2 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
One week after taking Art Modell's former team to the woodshed,
the Steelers head to Baltimore for a date with the crook's new club.
If there's any justice in the world, Pittsburgh'll throw up 70 points
on the Raves and Modell will break his hip by sitting awkwardly
on his wallet.
Craziest
thing I heard this offseason was Modell's outrage at Skins owner
Daniel Snyder's hiring of Baltimore's marketing chief. Big Mo went
off about how deceitful Snyder was and how he didn't like doing
business that way. Modell calling a man deceitful? That's like the
Guru calling someone a bad prognosticator. STEELERS
(Speak Out)
Jacksonville (1-0) at Carolina (0-1)
Line: JAX -9 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
It's hard to believe these two teams entered the league at the same
time, isn't it? Jacksonville is now a powerhouse and Carolina is
an outhouse, with progress a rarity in recent years.
It'll be interesting to see how the Jags defense attacks Carolina,
especially since ex-Panthers coach Dom Capers is at the defensive
controls for Jacksonville. Look for a lot of blitzing from the Jaguars,
who seem fortified by the acquisition of Pittsburgh defensive
back Carnell Lake. The folks in Florida haven't been that happy
to see a body of water since the swimmin' hole was invented.
This
series has become quite a rivalry so don't be surprised if Carolina
puts up a fight. Still, I like the Jags by about a touch. PANTHERS
(Speak
Out)
Seattle (0-1) at Chicago (1-0) Line:
SEA -3 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
Most pickers expected the records to be reversed but Seattle
dropped the ball against Detroit and the Bears pulled off their
biggest surprise since Jim McMahon made curfew in 1987.
I really think the Joey Galloway holdout has hurt the Seahawks
and I have to blame coach/general manager Mike Holmgren, because
a) I can and b) Such opinions never have any consequences for me.
Galloway is a talented wideout and needs to be in camp for Seattle
to have a shot at the postseason.
Bears
rookie QB Cade McNown got off to a good start, directing the team
to a TD in his only drive. However, the UCLA product has since
been charged with the use of a handicapped parking pass while
in school, though he insists he had a legitimate reason to use the
placard.
"My
'Golfing Underwater 101' textbook was pretty heavy and my test-taker
doesn't like to walk," he reportedly told investigators
this past week in the City of Angels. SEAHAWKS
(Speak Out)
San Diego (0-0) at Cincinnati (0-1) Line:
CIN -1 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The Chargers haven't been undefeated this late in the season since
Air Coryell was flying high over San Diego. In the opener, the
Bengals played the Titans tough but faded in the final four
minutes, much like the Guru in the 12-minute run in college training
camp. That oval track was on a steep incline - I swear it.
The
most famous San Diego-Cincinnati battle was the 1981 AFC Championship,
when the Bengals topped the Chargers in the coldest postseason game
this side of the Packers-Cowboys Ice Bowl. Don't expect this game
to be memorable for anything but the laughter. BENGALS
(Speak
Out)
Green Bay (1-0) at Detroit (1-0) Line:
GB -6 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Green Bay rallied for an expected win over Oakland in Week
One but the Lions shocked Seattle in the Kingdome. QB Charlie Batch
was tremendous, recalling the heroics of immortal Lions signalcaller
Eric Hipple who, if you think about it, looks like Groundskeeper
Willie from "The Simpsons."
I
was quite impressed by the effort of Brett Favre, who willed the
Pack to victory last week. It says here he'll get some support in
Detroit.
PACKERS
(Speak Out)
Arizona (1-0) at Miami (1-0) Line: MIA
-9 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
This Arizona team is more death-defying than a guy who walks past
me with a plate of hot appetizers. Don't get me wrong - I love quarterback
Jake Plummer and the defense has a lot of potential but I just don't
like the direction that this franchise is going.
Then again, despite the impressive win at Denver, I'm not completely
sold on Miami. Yes, there's a lot of talent there, including
my former Lehigh teammate Rich Owens at defensive end, but I'm not
certain Jimmy Johnson can get it done with this team.
Of
course, this is coming from the guy that sold Microsoft stock
at $3, loved the new Coke and just had an eight-track tape player
and checkered curtains put in his new Vanagon. DOLPHINS
(Speak Out)
Oakland
(0-1) at Minnesota (1-0) Line: MIN -9 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
I wasn't surprised Oakland put up such a fight in Green
Bay but I truly expected the Vikes to lay a bigger whippin' on Atlanta.
That said, this Oakland team can play with Minnesota, particularly
in the secondary where Charles Woodson and Eric Allen are capable
of matching up with Randy Moss and Cris Carter.
Sixteen
years after Oakland's last Super Bowl win, against a team which
shall remain nameless, owner Al Davis would be wise to hock all
of his white attire for a more fitting wardrobe to usher in
the millennium. I'm thinking about something nice in a jackass costume.
That said, Oaktown can surprise Denny Green & Co., particularly
if Rich Gannon can complete passes against his former mates. RAIDERS
(Speak
Out)
Indianapolis (1-0) at New England (1-0)
Line: NE -4 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The Guru, in his best Kate Capshaw voice: "Indy, I'm sorry
I doubted you in Week One. Please come back to me and I'll make
everything better."
After a strong Colts' showing in week one, the Guru is a couple
of wins away from hitching a ride on the Indy bandwagon. I like
Edgerrin, love Peyton and will never forget that gorgeous day in
1994, when Chief Redskin, Fatback Hobbs and I went to the RCA Dome
and saw our Mighty Skins run roughshod over a squad that just wasn't
ready for one Gustavus Frerotte.
Unfortunately
for Indy, it faces a determined New England team in Foxboro. How
sweet was it for always-on-the-chopping-block Pete Carroll to give
Parcells' fat keister a swift kick? Sources tell me it was tastier
than deep-fried pig carcass, my friends. PATS
(Speak Out)
Washington (0-1) at New York Giants
(1-0) Line: NYG -2 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
If the Mighties are going to win an early-season game,
this is it. Goodness, this Giants team can't score and is more
offensive than the Guru in a neon green two-piece. (Pause for
cringe and possible vomiting)
Despite the tough loss in Week One, I was impressed by many things
the Brad Johnson-led offense did. For a second, I thought I was
witnessing the birth of a juggernaut: then the fourth quarter began.
Now, I wouldn't say the loss made me want to hurt myself but
I did eat a suicide buffalo wing with no, I repeat no, blue cheese
dressing. Sacre bleu.
As much as I hate to admit, Jim Fassel is a better coach than Norv
Turner. That said, Fassel's boys are going to need more than two
points to beat the Skins and unless their defense puts three or
four TDs on the board, they're going down hard.
SKINS
(Speak Out)
Tampa Bay (0-1) at Philadelphia (0-1)
Line: TB -6 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Tampa QB Trent Dilfer, removed from last weekend's offensive
debacle against the Giants, was last seen serving gruel at a Manhattan
diner. After a weak effort in the food line, Dilfer was demoted
to second-string on the unit which cuts the corn from the cob for
the folks with no teeth, most of which are Eagles fans.
One of the most surprising efforts of Week One was the Eagles' performance
vs Arizona. In fact, Philly had the game won late when ex-Villanova
receiver Brian Finneran let a ball bounce off his hands to Arizona
safety Kwami Lassiter. Andy Reid, get used to it, my dear boy.
If Warren Sapp doesn't sack Doug Pederson at least twice, it means
he snapped the QB's leg on the first tackle. Take the Bucs BUCS
(Speak
Out)
New Orleans (1-0) at San Francisco (0-1)
Line: SF -10 TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
By my calculations, Ricky Williams would have to average approximately
345 yards per game to trigger a $5,000 incentive in his rookie
contract. I haven't seen a guy taken like that since George convinced
me to join this Web site.
This Niners team is embarrassed by their Week One loss, the team's
worst defeat since a playoff loss to the Giants back when Bill Parcells
weighed less than 350. I wouldn't be surprised if San Fran scored
35 points in the first half to show the world that they're still
a force.
Last week, Niners defensive tackle Bryant Young made yet
another big step in his stunning comeback when he played against
Carolina just 10 months after suffering a brutal leg injury. Makes
me feel pretty guilty that I haven't left the house since I
stepped awkwardly on a pumpkin on my front porch in October 1996.
NINERS
(Speak Out)
Denver (0-1) at Kansas City (0-1) Line:
DEN -3 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
Is this still a great rivalry? I'm not sure, as the Broncos looked
quite mortal in the opener and KC played horribly against Chicago.
Last week I raised doubts about Gunther Cunningham's ability to
coach and this week I'm back to question his ability to exist. Did
anyone see that ESPN feature on coaching stress where he said coaching
is all he's got in his life?
Gunt, baby, haven't you ever strolled down the beach while
the sun is setting with a bag of hot soft pretzels in one hand and
a can of processed cheese in the other? Please, learn to experience
the finer things (and lose the yellow-tinted glasses - I thought
I was listening to Speed Racer in the first two minutes of the interview).
BRONCOS
(Speak Out)
Cleveland (0-1) at Tennessee (1-0) Line:
TEN -16 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The Browns didn't look great in Week One but at least they
only lost by a little more than six touchdowns. Six honkin' touchdowns!
Are you kidding me?
I thought this Cleveland squad would be terrible but I wasn't
prepared for The Titanic, "Ishtar" and soy sausage rolled
into one. Head coach Chris Palmer inserted top draftee Tim Couch
into the lineup so fast this week that you'd have sworn the quarterback
has some dirt on the boss.
Tennessee certainly isn't great but all it needs to be to beat
Cleveland is half-conscious. Sixteen points is a lot against
an NFL team but, thankfully, the Oilers aren't playing one.
OILERS
(Speak Out)
New York Jets (0-1) at Buffalo (0-1)
Line: BUF -4 TV: ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
I can understand the frustration over Vinny Testaverde's devastating
injury but you folks are going a little overboard. Vinny did a nice
job last year and had become a team leader but he's no Johnny Unitas
(or Earl Morrall, for that matter). I'm not saying the Jets can
go to the title game with Rick Mirer but let's not make Vinny out
to be more than he is: a colorblind Italian quarterback.
Buffalo's week one loss was just as devastating as New York's though
the Bills did emerge with their QB intact. I think Flutie's team
may get a wild-card berth but I don't like them against a Jets team
that's sure to be fired up.
Over-under on the number of beers Bryan Cox "catches"
with his jersey, courtesy of the fine Buffalo fans: Eighteen. Take
the over. JETS
(Speak
Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Atlanta (0-1) at Dallas (1-0) Line: None
TV: ABC, 9 p.m.
Last week I called this Atlanta team overrated and they
lost a tough one at home to Minnesota, the top team in the NFC.
Perhaps I was misunderstood: I think the Falcons have a good chance
for a wild-card berth and are blessed with some fine young talent.
However, I think many things fell into place for them last year
and some things, such as Chris Chandler's health, are already in
question in '99.
Chandler is a solid NFL quarterback and a courageous guy but he's
every bit as brittle as a toothpick chair under the Guru. I
haven't seen someone get this hurt since George broke down after
his calls to Hannah Storm went unanswered.
Dallas
looked great on offense against Washington but who the heck doesn't?
I think Chan Gailey is a fine coach but it'll be a struggle on defense
without Deion Sanders and Leon Lett.
That
said, I don't think Atlanta iwill win this week, though they can
succeed if QB Chandler happens to make an appearance. COWBOYS
(Speak
Out)
Tell the Guru what you think of his selections
at AQB's Speak Out board or
e-mail ArmchairQB.com.
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