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Week
4: Cream-Filled Guru Rises To Top
 My
friends, the Guru is in a place
rarely visited by mere mortals.
The
'67 Packers arrived at this destination...the '85 Bears visited
it frequently...Siegfried and Roy have a mailbox there.
Yes, the Guru is squarely IN THE ZONE.
How did I arrive here? I have no idea but I knew I was in a happy
place when I reeled off a 13-0-1 mark in Week Three, with Oakland's
Raiders to blame for the sister-kisser. That'll teach me to make
fun of Al Davis and his affinity for wearing white after Labor Day.
My sterling week pushed my season mark to 23-20-1, moving me miles
ahead of the Swamp Fox, whose mark of 34-80-1 is the worst this
side of the poor slob who chooses to coach against the Harlem Globetrotters.
Last weekend was a beautiful one all around as my beloved
Mighty Skins vanquished an overrated Jets squad and my alma mater,
Lehigh U., blanked a horrendous Princeton club, sending the namby-pamby
Tigers scurrying for their croquet sets and dates with girls named
after French poodles.
Ah, what a wonderful time it is to be an anti-New York sports
fan with Bill Parcells & Co. rolling over, the Giants struggling
to score against New England's prevent defense and the Mets crumpling
like a lawn chair beneath the Guru. Man, it was beautiful to walk
into the office on Monday and see the pained faces and the looks
of utter despair.
The games were great but the highlight had to be the appearance
of Chief Redskin, whose mere presence is usually worth seven
points to the Skins. The Chief, the one who sired the Guru, has
been a fan of the Mighties since his birth in 1940 and is the team's
No. 1 fan. Sunday's win pushed the Skins record to 6-0 in road contests
the Guru and the Chief attend together with the next test coming
Dec. 19 at Indianapolis.
On the diet front, I'm proud to report that I've shed 12 pounds
of ugly fat. No, wise guy, this doesn't mean I've had a lobotomy.
If I can just lose the equivalent of a small person - say Gary Coleman
or Webster - in the next year, the American Medical Association
has said it will downgrade my condition to "obese." Then,
I'll be able to relax and pack on a few lbs.
I won't take it easy with this week's picks but I'd like to say
the odds of me going 13-0-1 again are about as good as those of
me being mistaken for Kate Moss. Le Guru does have some high cheekbones,
though.
That's all for now, sports lovers. Check out my picks below and
e-mail me with
any questions or comments.
The Standings
| Hurricane
George* |
38-25-0
(.603) |
| The
Guru |
23-20-1
(.535) |
| Norman
Chad |
17-25-2
(.405) |
| Norv
Turner |
34-48-1
(.402) |
| Swamp
Fox |
34-80-1
(.296) |
| NY
Mets (Sept. 21-28) |
0-7-0
(.000) |
*College Picks - read George Stahl's Saturday
Selections
All times are Eastern. Picks are against the spread.
Arizona (1-2) at Dallas (2-0) Line: DAL
-7 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
After a rousing playoff victory last season in Big D, the
Cardinals were young and full of promise, like Olestra a couple
of years back. Now, Arizona, like Frito Lay's fat-free oil, is causing
major abdominal cramping.
Jake
the Snake has looked like Jake the Detmer in the first three weeks,
leaving a boatload of interceptions and missed opportunities in
his wake. He'll come up against a Dallas team that regains Deion
Sanders, one of the most gifted d-backs to ever strap on a helmet.
Leon Lett, five weeks from returning from another drug suspension,
is reportedly concentrating on his ABC's. COWBOYS
(Speak
Out)
Baltimore (1-2) at Atlanta (0-3) Line:
ATL -3 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
I called Atlanta a fluke in Week One and the critics laughed but
now this club is headed for a very Atlanta-like sub-.500 season.
In fact, this team is starting to look a bit like several squads
coached by the Swamp Fox, who waved the white flag more than
the Krauts in WWII.
The Ravens finally saw the light last week and demoted QB Scott
Mitchell to the backup spot. Mitchell is a stiff, has no heart and
cares about no one but himself - and those are his good points!
Unfortunately, Baltimore turns to Stoney Case, a man who makes his
teammates as comfortable as Pat Buchanan at a Gay Pride rally. FALCONS
(Speak
Out)
Jacksonville (2-1) at Pittsburgh (2-1)
Line: JAX -3 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
Both teams are coming off tough defeats, with the Jags
losing in the final minute to Tennessee and Pittsburgh getting crushed
by a determined Seattle squad.
Steelers coach Bill Cowher will have his team fired up but their
sheer emotion won't be able to match the talent of the Jags, who
struggled last weekend when
a vicious Florida storm kept their weapons at bay. At last report,
the Skipper and Gilligan were still missing.
Question: Ever seen Jacksonville coach Tom Coughlin and Howdy
Doody in the same place? My sources say no. JAGUARS
(Speak Out)
New England (3-0) at Cleveland (0-3)
Line: NE -12 TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The Pats are undefeated but they've been pretty lucky - beating
the Jets after Vin Testaverde was injured, rallying to top the Colts
and running up against a hideous Giants offense.
Meanwhile, this Cleveland team has looked as amateurish as a Charles
Grodin talk show. Coach Palmer made a nice move in replacing QB
Ty Detmer with top draft pick Tim Couch. Simply put: Couch's arm
is a howitzer while Detmer's is a Pez dispenser. Cherry Pez, but
Pez, nonetheless.
Logic says the Pats will win this game in a rout but those who
know the Guru know he doesn't dabble in logic. It's just a hunch
but so was indoor plumbing and I think that's paid off pretty nicely.
BROWNS
(Speak
Out)
New Orleans (2-1) at Chicago (1-2) Line:
NO -1 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Da coach, Mike Ditka, is back in Chi-town and sure to rekindle
memories in the town he put back on the NFL map with a Super Bowl
title in '85. He's kinder, he's gentler and he's a heck of a long
way from coaching a winner in New Orleans.
First overall draft pick Ricky Williams, whose base contract calls
for him to pay the Saints, must now average 409.2 yards over the
last 13 games for a $5,000 bonus to kick in.
Revisiting 1985, part II: Ex-Chicago reserve QB Steve Fuller recently
learned he could be in line to inherit the backup drive-thru window
spot in the event of a Y2K tragedy. Secretely, management worries
about putting Fuller in this spot. BEARS
(Speak Out)
Philadelphia (0-3) at New York Giants
(1-2) Line: NYG -9 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
the struggling Eagles are bidding to become the first team to fail
to score a TD since...the 1998 Philadelphia Eagles. Note that the
'98 squad was not blessed with a QB as skillful as "Down-and-Out"
Doug Pederson, whose early-season performance has the Philly braintrust
considering a ban of the forward pass.
In a similar vein, this ugly Giants club is Larry King to the Birds'
Elephant Man. This franchise has taken offense to a new low in recent
weeks, forcing forlorn team officials to ask Commissioner Paul
Tagliabue if it's legal to hire a middleman to ensure that the
center snap reaches QB Kent Graham. EAGLES
(Speak
Out)
St. Louis (3-0) at Cincinnati (0-3) Line:
STL TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Talk about two teams headed in opposite directions. The
surprising Rams have responded to the leadership of former Arena
Football League quarterback Kurt Warner, whose previous career highlight
was delivering a baby calf on the field while a member of the Iowa
Barnstormers.
This week marked another chapter in the sad saga of Cincy running
back Ki-Jana Carter, whose season ended when he dislocated his kneecap
in last week's 27-3 loss to Carolina. Carter joined the NFL in 1995
after a star-studded three years at Penn State but has managed to
play just 35 games in the NFL.
The Bengals may be the league's worst franchise with suspect players,
an inept coach and no full-time scouts. This strategy would never
work for the Guru, who's got two guys he pays to check out local
all-you-can-eats before he reaches town. BENGALS
(Speak Out)
Tampa Bay (2-1) at Minnesota (1-2) Line:
MIN -7 TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
I like the Bucs this weekend for two reasons: 1) Trent Dilfer only
plays on offense and 2) Warren Sapp is the best defensive player
in the league. Sapp is reportedly questionable for Sunday's contest
with a broken hand but I'll bet a sack of Krispy Kremes he lines
up and tap dances on Randall Cunningham or Jeff George come Sunday.
Meanwhile, Dilfer is a bigger disappointment than a beef-free
dinner. He's got all the ability in the world but just can't
seem to put it together on Sundays. For the Bucs to take the next
step, they've got to get a quarterback who is ready to compete each
and every week.
That said, I think this Minnesota team is still in a haze and wouldn't
be surprised if the Bucs won this one outright. BUCS
(Speak
Out)
Carolina (1-2) at Washington (2-1)
Line: WAS -8 TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
As a Skins fan, these are the types of games that scare
me: the Mighties are a big favorite, the crowd will be huge
and there might not be enough sausage-type foods to go around.
This Carolina team is better than most people realize and
it poses a serious threat to the Mighties. Washington's offensive
line will need a big game to subdue Panthers lineman Sean Gilbert,
who spent the season of '96 stealing oxygen and dollar bills from
the good people of the Beltway.
Last week, the Skins drew a lot of strength from Chief Redskin,
whose numerous "lucky" trips to the men's room paid off
in a seven-point victory. This Sunday, the inspiration will come
from a unique source - Tony the Patriot, the mega-hairy Italian
who has abandoned his beloved New Englanders in favor of the
Mighties.
Those of you from the "boot" may remember Tony the P as
Chewbacca Cannoli, the star of numerous 1980s Italian "B"
movies, such as The Pizza Ate My Razor and I've Lost My
Spaghetti In My Beard. SKINS
(Speak Out)
Kansas City (2-1) at San Diego (1-1)
Line: SD -1 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The honeymoon is over for Chargers coach Dan Riley, who
may wish he was back coaching Oregon State after his team drops
five or six more games. Still,
I think his club has a good chance to win this weekend.
Why? First, I'm not sold on the Chiefs. They're an undisciplined
team and, my KC source, Fatback Hobbs, tells me the Arrowhead
Stadium tailgates aren't all they're cracked up to be.
My friends, I can deal with mediocre football, after all - I'm a
'90s Skins fan, but a weak tailgate is simply inexcusable. If I
have to get Tony the P and the Chief and fly out to KC with my own
special marinade, I'll do it.
CHARGERS
(Speak Out)
New York Jets (0-3) at Denver (0-3)
Line: DEN -5 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
A game that looked like a preview of the AFC Championship has become
a battle for playoff survival. Ol' Bucktooth Mike Shanahan, from
the Bill Walsh School of Self-Proclaimed Geniuses, found out the
hard way that it isn't easy to win without a John Elway at QB.
How
hard is Bubby Brister laughing with Brian Griese struggling at quarterback?
It's certainly possible that Brister would've been 0-3, as well,
but Shanahan could have saved himself a lot of aggravation by starting
the guy - Brister - most ready to handle the job.
Speaking of the Bubster, the tapes from his days of quarterbacking
the Jets in the mid-90s are arguably some of the most brutal pieces
of film you'll ever lay your eyes on. I've seen blind 97-year-old
widows throw the ball with more velocity than Brister did with the
Jets.
As for the New Yorkers, a passerby told me he thought he saw
the fat lady and her skinny companion singing in the Jets locker
room this week but it turned out to be a wig-wearing Parcells
with good pal Marv Albert.
BRONCOS
(Speak Out)
Tennessee (3-0) at San Francisco (2-1)
Line: SF -1 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The Niners are slim favorites because of the questionable health
of Steve Young, who sustained yet another concussion in Monday's
win over Arizona. Young was replaced by rarely used backup Jeff
Garcia, the Admiral Stockdale to Stevie Y's Ross Perot.
I've been impressed with this Titans club, which is off to its first
3-0 start since Jeff Fisher took over a few years ago. Fisher is
known as a defensive coach but he's gotten good play out of veteran
Neil O'Donnell, who will command the team with starter Steve McNair
out for an extended period.
As much as I like Tennessee, I can't see them springing the upset
in San Fran - not with the rabid, wine-drinking Niners fans yelling
at the top of their lungs and waving their Polo sweaters like a
modern Terrible Towel. NINERS
(Speak Out)
Oakland (2-1) at Seattle (2-1) Line:
SEA -3 TV: ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
The Raiders have been an early-season surprise under Jon
Gruden, who has earned the respect of players and coaches. Of course,
he only needs to gain the love of one person in Raiderland, the
eccentric Al Davis, whose "Commitment to Excrement" theme
of the 1990s is destined to continue into the next century.
After a pair of subpar performances, the Seahawks rebounded nicely
against the Steelers, crushing Coach Cowher & Co. This week,
Seattle made the news for its decision to end contract talks with
holdout receiver Joey Galloway, one of the top players at his position.
I'd like to take this time to announce my retirement from ArmchairQB.com
as I've decided to open a Starbucks in suburban New Jersey. I'll
save the $40 my loving wife, Lady Fanwood, spends on lattes
every week and I'll have more than enough maple scones and espresso
beans to carry me and mine into the next millennium. SEAHAWKS
(Speak
Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Buffalo (2-1) at Miami (2-0) Line: MIA -5 TV: ABC, 9 p.m.
The Bills return to the scene of their crushing playoff loss to
Miami, where the Little Fella had Buffalo on the precipice of a
great road victory before fumbling in the final minute.
Everyone's high on this Miami team but I'm still not convinced.
Yes, Jimmy's got himself a defense but can Marino get it done when
he has to in crunch time? My favorite Dolphins groupie, Fishboy,
a five-footish kid with webbed feet, tells me Danny is throwing
the ball better than he has in years. Please.
I may be going out on a limb but I don't think Marino can outplay
the Little Fella in a big game. Take the midget, thank me later.
BILLS
(Speak Out)
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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