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Week
7: Dallas Week Tries Guru's Soul
 My
friends, the Guru is primed and
ready for the mind-numbing exercise that is Dallas Week.
The Mighty Skins, once the laughingstock of all things sports-related,
are on an express to the Bowl and the next stop is Irving, Texas,
where Norvell & Co. will treat the Cowboys like a dog treats
a hydrant.
Dallas Week is a rough one around the Guru's house as I put my game
face on Monday, stop speaking to my wife Tuesday and flush all non-beef
products from my body on Wednesday. Preparation for battle is no
picnic, my friends.
Truth be told, the Guru loves nothing more than the feeling of
tap dancing on the despicable Dallas star, a symbol which is
responsible for world hunger and hemorrhoids and is clearly visible
in all photos of the grassy knoll.
The six or seven of you who read this column may recall last week's
decision to pick winners of games, instead of picking against the
spread. Well, I got off to a rough 6-8 start but managed to correctly
predict the margin of victory in three of those contests. Uncanny.
My friends, I swear to you that the rumor that I can see into the
future is nothing more than hearsay. I am just like many of you,
only younger and better looking.
This week's games begin early with a Thursday night contest between
the Chiefs and Ravens. Now, the Guru usually reserves Thursdays
for his bath at the local Jumbo Car Wash but I plan on making an
exception this week. Won't you watch with me?
That's
all for now, sports lovers. Check out the KC-Cleveland pick below
and please e-mail me
with any questions or comments.
Check
back Friday morning for the rest of my predictions!
All times are Eastern.
Kansas City (3-2) at Baltimore
(2-3) TV: ESPN, 8:15 p.m.
This game matches two football teams who are a mystery to many football
fans. KC looks like about a 9-7 or 8-8 team while the Ravens will
struggle to reach the .500 mark.
The Chiefs have looked very good at some times and mediocre at others,
kind of like the Guru himself. It's very hard to believe that just
a two years ago this club had Super Bowl written all over it. Carl
Peterson, your employment officer is on line one.
A little tidbit from the crack staff at the Crystal Ball: KC's
Gunther Cunningham is the only NFL coach who lists "making
sausage" as a hobby. Baltimore, 21-17. (Speak
Out)
Chicago (3-3) at Tampa Bay
(2-3) TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
After a great win at Minnesota, the Bears laid a huge egg
in losing to the Eagles at home last weekend. Tampa comes into this
game needing a win to stay close in a tight division race led by
Detroit and Green Bay.
We've said it time and time again but the reason for the Bucs' offensive
ineptitude is QB Trent Dilfer, who struggles to make big plays 1)
When his protection is bad and 2) When his protection is good. In
a big effort to improve the team's chances, Tampa Bay officials
recently hired Dilfer's kid brother to operate the scoreboard at
all home games. Tampa, 17-12.
(Speak Out)
Cincinnati (1-5) at Indianapolis (3-2) TV:
CBS, 1 p.m.
The '90s Bengals are to the NFL as Eddie "the Eagle"
Edwards was to the Olympics: a laughable sideshow with poor form.
Unfortunately for the Cats, they're not trying to be the punch
line to a bad joke.
Yes, Cincy has Akili Smith, who has talent, but there's no way he'll
ever be a top quarterback unless Mike Brown commits to building
a winning franchise. Clearly, this is a team that couldn't care
less about winning and that attitude begins with Messrs. Brown and
Coslet.
Meanwhile, The Colts are building a strong foundation with Peyton
Manning, Edgerrin James and Marvin Harrison but don't overlook Chad
Bratzke and the underrated Indy defense. Colts, 33-14.
(Speak
Out)
Cleveland (0-6) at St. Louis (5-0)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The league's worst team meets the (gulp!) best team in a matchup
that could get very ugly. How ugly? Ever see the Elephant Man or
a portrait of Scottie Pippen?
The Kurt Warner story remains the season's best rags-to-riches story
but, on the flip side, this Browns squad is one of the worst clubs
I've ever seen. Yes, the "D" is solid but the offense
is so poor that it's hard to imagine Cleveland winning if the opponent
puts up 14 points.
Fortunately, coach Chris Palmer is measuring the team's progress
in baby steps. This week's goal: making it through the coin toss
without serious injury. Well, I've waited too long to jump on the
St. Louis bandwagon. Rams, 42-3.
(Speak Out)
Denver
(2-4) at New England (4-2) TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
Tony the Patriot, the hairiest man alive and a personal friend of
the Guru, is in Cancun this week as his team hosts the revived Broncos.
What a coincidence that Tony would head for the warmth of Mexico,
as his sporting fortunes (Pats and Red Sox) have gone South, as
well.
The Broncos looked good with Brian Griese at the helm the past week
but Denver may have gotten started too late to make the playoffs.
At this stage of his career, young Brian looks like he could eventually
become one of the top two Grieses in NFL history but it's still
early. Patriots, 23-17.
(Speak Out)
Detroit (3-2) at Carolina (2-3) TV: Fox,
1 p.m.
Bobby Ross looked like a goner when Barry Sanders retired but he's
got his club in fine shape, Last week, the Lions were rallied by
one Gus Frerotte, the longtime tormentor of the Guru as quarterback
of a certain would-be juggernaut.
Gus had his moments in Washington but, like the Guru at his audition
for the lead in "Guys and Dolls," was inconsistent. Oh
well, the girdle was way too tight, anyway.
Fact: when Carolina coach George Seifert cost his team the game
vs Washington by removing tailback Tim Biakabutuka, he blamed it
on the bosanova. Carolina, 23-13.
(Speak
Out)
New Orleans (1-4) at New York Giants (3-3)
TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
The Saints have led each of their games in the fourth quarter but
have managed to lose four of those contests. It's time this team
took a lead from its coach and was a little more calm in the face
of battle.
Of course, the coach proved himself to be anything but a sea of
tranquility when he grabbed his privates and gestured obscenely
at some fans last weekend. The Guru hasn't seen that much crotch-grabbing
since the last time he watched "Yo! MTV Raps."
Meanwhile, in surprising news, the Giants have reportedly inked
magician Doug Henning to find creative ways to score. The team's
first choice, David Copperfield is already hard at work in Cleveland.
Giants, 14-12.
(Speak
Out)
Philadelphia (2-4) at Miami (4-1) TV:
Fox, 1 p.m.
South Philly meets South Beach in a matchup the Eagles have been
waiting for since the schedule came out. No, the birthplace of the
cheesesteak and hoagie isn't about to roll over for an outfit like
Miami Subs.
Eagles coach Andy Reid, who gave up on his team in week two, didn't
find out the Birds beat the Bears until he was three pork chops
into the flight back to the Brotherly City.
I expect the Dolphins to win this one but wouldn't be stunned if
Philadelphia's fine defense held Miami in check and kept the scoring
to a minimum. Dolphins,
24-7.
(Speak Out)
San Francisco (3-3) at Minnesota (2-4)
TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Just last season, these teams were among the NFC's finest.
Now, the loser of this Week 7 tilt will be in serious trouble of
missing the playoffs.
The Niners' problems start under center with Steve Young's replacement,
Jeff Garcia, but the offensive line is the team's biggest problem.
A tough group for many years, this crew is either over the hill
(Ray Brown) or not talented enough (Dave Fiori).
The Vikes decision to insert Jeff George at quarterback might seem
like a good idea but let's remember that someone once said "I'd
like to fly a big balloon. I'll call it the Hindenberg." George
has a heck of an arm and can lead an offense but he'll win about
as often as Leonard Tose does in a game of craps. Vikings, 33-7.
(Speak Out)
Washington (4-1) at Dallas (3-2) TV:
Fox, 1 p.m.
My friends, the Guru hasn't been this confident since the
first day of Driver's Ed. Yeah, I sent a couple of trash cans to
their early graves and dented the snot out of the hood but that
was then and this is now.
The hiring of Bill Arnsparger as a defensive assistant was a brilliant
move by Norv Turner, who looks like a much better coach with some
talent around him. I've long said that no one calls a better game
than Norvell and now he's got some guys to help him execute his
schemes.
Dallas's win over the Skins in Week One was a fluke that wouldn't
have occurred if three Redskins defensive backs (and a nauseous
Guru) hadn't missed the final six minutes with severe cramps. Simply,
this Skins team is potent and will run roughshod over a Dallas squad
that is too old. Skins, 31-10.
(Speak Out)
Buffalo (4-2) at Seattle (3-2) TV: CBS,
4:15 p.m.
This game is critical for the Bills, who need to keep pace with
a Dolphins club that figures to romp against downtrodden Philly.
Mike Holmgren's team needs a "W" after blowing a game
it should've won in San Diego.
The Guru will always have a soft spot in his heart for Seattle,
where he and the lovely Lady Fanwood honeymooned a couple
of years back (I'm sketchy on the exact date - she could tell ya,
though.)
However, I was severely disappointed at that fine city's pathetic
excuse for a sports bar, where a decent American like myself
was not able to drink a beer or swallow a mozzarella stick until
nearly 10:30 a.m. Throw in the fact that he guy next to me was reading
The Economist and the Skins lost to the Ravens and you can surely
understand my pain.
Flutie is magnificent on the carpet and I think the Seattle defensive
lineman are in for a long and frustrating afternoon but I still
like the Seahawks in a very tight one. Seattle, 27-24. (Speak
Out)
Green Bay (3-2) at San Diego (4-1) TV:
Fox, 4:15 p.m.
The frozen tundra meets frozen tofu in a battle that would have
Lombardi rolling over in his grave. Speaking of Saint Vince, the
Cincinnati Bengals have reportedly begun talks to lure him out of
the casket.
I'm quite impressed by the Chargers, who've taken advantage of a
weak schedule to lead the AFC West. I, for one, laughed hard when
San Diego hired Mike Riley from Oregon State but he's proved me
wrong thus far.
Green Bay's success is solely attributable to the golden right arm
of Brett Favre, who is the finest player in the game. That said,
he won't be able to get it done by himself against a ferocious San
Diego defense and I doubt the Packers' running game will step up
to help him. Chargers, 24-20.
(Speak Out)
New York Jets (1-5) at Oakland (3-3)
TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
When these teams speak of "Heidi" they talk not
of Charlie Sheen's buddy but of the television disaster that pre-empted
a dramatic Oakland win over these same Jets so many years ago.
Last week's decision to start Ray Lucas clearly told me that Bill
Parcells has given up on 1999 and will not coach in 2000. Parcells
is a tremendous coach and I expected him to rally the Jets into
playoff contention but it's quite obvious that he doesn't have the
horses to get the job done.
How wonderful is it to see Parcells struggle? Honey, where's my
lawn chair? I'm going to eat me some JuJubes and drink this in.
Raiders, 28-17.
(Speak Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Atlanta (1-5) at Pittsburgh (3-3) TV: ABC, 9 p.m.
Monday night hasn't been this unappealing since "That's
Incredible" was in syndication. Sing with me now, "Where
have you gone, Francis Tarkenton? The tax man turns his lonely eyes
to you."
Primetime appearances have been few and far between for the Falcons,
whose greatest Monday night memory is of then-center Jeff Van Note
consuming 124 chicken wings in one sitting. 124? Weak.
The Steelers are starting to look perfectly mediocre under coach
Bill Cowher, beating the bad teams but struggling to compete against
the good ones. This team could learn a lesson from its coach, who
is as intense as anyone in the NFL. Steelers, 23-14.
(Speak Out)
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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