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Week
8: St. Louis Rams? Are You Kidding?
 My
friends, the Guru can't believe
what his eyes are a-seeing. The St. Louis Rams, yes the St. Louis
Rams, are the best team in all of football.
When Trent Green went down in the preseason, I said this team was
snakebit and would never recover. Now, they're on the verge or running
roughshod through the weak NFC with a guy named Kurt Warner at QB.
Much of the team's success is attributable to coach Dick Vermeil,
who has been known to cry when he gets a good parking spot. The
sentimental leader has also broken down at weddings, funerals, luncheons,
birthday parties, embalmings, Wal-Marts and delis.
God bless him.
Last week I went 10-4, moving my two-week record of picking games
straight up at 16-12. Some say not picking against the spread is
weak but I say it's frugal.
Lock of the Week? I love the Jaguars in Cincinnati, where most of
the residents will be skipping this week's games to hang Jim Gray
in effigy. Unfortunately for these slow-witted denizens, most of
them think Effigy is located about 25 miles south of the city.
Enjoy the weekend and please e-mail
me with any questions or comments.
All times are Eastern.
Buffalo (4-3) at Baltimore
(2-4) TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
I liken Baltimore's three-headed QB of Tony Banks, Stoney Case
and Scott Mitchell to a three-course dinner of gruel, chicken livers
and Goya beans: It doesn't look good when you see it and makes
you ill for hours afterward.
Buffalo looked lost in Seattle last weekend, mustering just 13 points
in the defeat. Thirteen points in this tilt gets them a victory.
Bills, 16-10. (Speak
Out)
Carolina
(2-4) at Atlanta (1-6) TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Coming off an emotional win over San Fran, coach Siefert's
club just couldn't get it done against an underrated Detroit squad.
Guess he isn't so bright sans his favorite capologist and
a team full of Hall of Famers.
I'm anything but impressed with this Atlanta club, which has looked
absolutely miserable this season. Dan Reeves may be talking about
how his heart trouble has made him a calmer coach but I'll bet some
fried food that ol' boy is on a diet consisting of handfuls of Rolaids.
Falcons, 24-21.
(Speak Out)
Chicago (3-4) at Washington (4-2) TV: Fox,
1 p.m.
In the past, this is the type of game that Norv Turner's Skins would
lose. Luckily for the coach, the Guru will be at FedEx Field this
Sunday to make sure there are no mistakes, such as a vendor serving
a hot dog that doesn't fill the bun.
Honey, if Chicago takes an early lead and I'm forced to hurt someone
from the organization, my stash of bail money is still in my file
cabinet, beneath the Joe Gibbs figurines and the half-eaten apple
danishes. Skins, 34-30. (Speak
Out)
Cleveland (0-7) at New Orleans (1-5)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
This week on Fox: When Ineptitude Collides. This Browns
team is on track to be the first winless club since the 1976 Tampa
Bay Bucs while the Saints have lost four games they've led in the
fourth quarter.
If Chris Palmer and Mike Ditka had coached Aaron Burr and Alexander
Hamilton, they'd still be shooting at each other. Rams, 42-3.
(Speak Out)
Jacksonville
(5-1) at Cincinnati (1-6) TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The Jaguars have made strides defensively under new coordinator
Dom Capers, who has given his players the freedom to go to the bathroom
whenever they like.
The reign of Bruce Coslet is mercifully coming to an end in Cincinnati,
though his career mark of 44-68 (.393), is still comfortably ahead
of that of the Swamp Fox, ex-coaching legend Marion Campbell (34-80-1,
.298).
In fact, the Coz is a remarkable 18-30 since taking for David Shula
(???) in 1996, including 7-2 in the last nine games of 1996. Jags,
37-6 .
(Speak Out)
New York Giants (4-3) at Philadelphia
(2-5) TV: Fox, 1 p.m.
Since coming to New York, Giants coach Jim Fassel has proved to
be everything but the quarterback guru he was expected to be. If
he were coached by Fassel, Joe Montana would've just been another
guy that looked like Barry Manilow.
Yes, the Eagles offense is worse than a low-fat hot dog but the
"D" is pretty good and Andy Reid is showing signs of
being an NFL coach, such as parking his car in the spot which
says "Reserved for Head Coach, Andy Reidy."
Six safeties get it done for the Birds. Eagles, 12-10.
(Speak
Out)
St. Louis (6-0) at Tennessee (5-1) TV:
Fox, 1 p.m.
As I sit here in my Kurt Warner t-shirt and Dick Vermeil mask, it
occurs to me that the Guru is the only one who hasn't bought into
the hype about the Rams.
So what if Warner has thrown 56 TD passes - What about the three
picks? And how 'bout only beating a bad Niners team by about 28
points? I guess I'm just a little hard to impress.
"Lady Fanwood, could you please bring me another one of
those pretzels shaped like the Gateway Arch and my 'Isaac Bruce
for President' hat? I need to get comfortable." Titans,
27-24.
(Speak
Out)
San Diego (4-2) at Kansas City (4-2)
TV: CBS, 1 p.m.
The Chargers are the most surprising team besides St. Louis but
more than a few people expected KC to be under .500 at this point.
The Chiefs have played their normal ball-control style, mixing in
a little defense, some sage and a spring of parsley. Wait a second,
that's my recipe for Italian meatballs! Mama mia! Chiefs,
19-17.
(Speak Out)
Dallas (4-2) at Indianapolis (4-2)
TV: Fox, 4 p.m.
The Colts rode into Dallas a couple of years ago and upset
the Cowboys so Chan Gailey's team will be ready to rumble in the
made-for-anything-but-football RCA Dome.
Doesn't the Indy triumvirate of Manning, James and Harrison remind
you of the Cowboys' Aikman, Smith and Irvin? Great trios are made,
not born, and working hard is the key, though I think it was
purely bad luck that felled A Flock of Seagulls. Vikings,
33-7.
(Speak Out)
Miami (5-1) at Oakland (4-3) TV: CBS,
4 p.m.
The Dolphins are off to a great start but I'm not convinced
this team is destined for greatness, at least not in the Siegfried
and Roy sense. The defense is good and the offense can be special
but Jimmy Johnson's poor relationship with Marino is a real sticking
point.
Jimmy
is a control freak along the lines of an Al Davis, the puppet master
who pulls Jon Gruden's strings. This season is looking every bit
like every other year in the '90s for the Raiders, who haven't won
more games than they've lost since back when Art Shell was running
the club, three coaches ago. Can the Swamp Fox be far behind? Dolphins,
23-17.
(Speak Out)
Minnesota (3-4) at Denver (2-5) TV:
Fox, 4 p.m.
The Vikes got back on the winning track behind the golden arm of
Jeff George, who thinks he's God's gift to football. George has
a multitude of weapons at his disposal, with Randy Moss, Cris Carter
and Denny Green's libido.
The Broncos were very close to winning last weekend in New England
but fell when Jason Elam's 85-yard field goal try fell short. Did
you see how long that kick was? If Elam doesn't have a hernia after
trying that, he's more of a man than me. No jokes, please. Denver,
33-30. (Speak
Out)
New England (5-2) at Arizona (2-4) TV:
CBS, 4 p.m.
Tony the Pat takes his hairy carcass to Tempe, where the over-under
on how many pounds he'll sweat out by kickoff is holding steady
at 31. Bet the over on Tony the P., who has more hair than the
shower drain in the Planet of the Apes.
I'm nothing but unimpressed with the Cards, whose poor offseason
has them back at square one. Methinks that releasing Larry Centers
was the worst move Arizona has made since opening its doors to the
old and incontinent. Gotta love Drew & Co., here. Pats, 17-14.
(Speak Out)
Tampa Bay (3-3) at Detroit (4-2) TV:
ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
Tampa coach Tony Dungy made a long-awaited move this week
when he decided to bench Trent Dilfer in favor of Eric Zeier. The
move is not an endorsement of the backup but a message to Dilfer,
whose right arm is every bit as accurate as the Guru's rectal thermometer,
which has no mercury.
Detroit is a stunning 4-2 after winning just five games in 1998
with Barry Sanders, thanks to a marvelous coaching job by Bobby
Ross and solid quarterbacking from Charlie Batch and (gulp) Gustavus
Frerotte. Bucs, 21-17.
(Speak Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Seattle (4-2) at Green Bay (4-2) TV: ABC, 9 p.m.
Mike Holmgren returns to Lambeau Field, where he led the
team to a 75-37 mark and two Super Bowl appearances in seven seasons.
Holmgren is off to fine start in Seattle, despite the absence of
wideout Joey Galloway, who is reportedly up to 231 pounds due to
a diet of Slurpees and Bon-Bons.
The Packers look good on paper but this team is as thin as Ally
McBeal. In fact, Favre is all this team has, period. Then again,
I guess all we had during WWII was the Bomb and I don't see many
building-sized portraits of Emperor Hirohito from where I'm standing,
do you? Packers, 30-26.
(Speak Out)
Tell the Guru what you think
of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board or e-mail
ArmchairQB.com.
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