My friends, THE GURU is ready for Sunday. The Eagles are coming to town and that always means a bloodbath with big, sweaty men mixing it up in a “no guts, no glory” test of wills. And I’m just talking about the tailgate.

Truth be told, I’m not nearly as worried about the game as I am about my good friend TOMMY BIRD, a Philadelphian’s Philadelphian who is suffering through one of the worst sports stretches of his 50-year existence. Not only did the prohibitive World Series favorite Phillies get bounced in the first round but his Birds, who were also expected to rule the roost, are 1-4 and dead last in the NFC East.
When I talk to him, his voice is tinged with sports depression, a condition with which I’m well familiar as a result of the seven-year Norval Turner era in DC. Oh how I remember those painful, painful days, with each game inevitably decided in the final seconds as the Skins came out on the short end of the stick.

On one such occasion, after a particularly distasteful loss to a brutal pre-Gruden Tampa team, I recall slipping on a patch of ice on my way home from watching the game. Emotionally beaten, I lay prone on the cold, cold ground as a Good Samaritan approached.

“You okay buddy? “ he asked kindly.

“Tough Skins loss,” I groaned through nacho-stained teeth. “Tough Skins loss.”

Though the events of the Norval Era will likely forever prevent me from reaching 100% again, I can at least take solace in the fact that I currently have a first-place football team with a big home game this weekend against a division rival. My good friend is at the other end of the emotional and psychological spectrum as I write this but here’s hoping that he and his ilk bounce back as they did in the fall of 1993.

It was a crisp October evening in Philadelphia – Oct. 23, 1993, to be exact – and the city was alive with possibilities. Fans crowded in front of TVs in row homes and local watering holes to root on their Phils as they faced the Toronto Blue Jays on the road. Among the pub-bound was one mustachioed TOMMY BIRD, boldly promising a win for his team.

The ballgame looked like a lost cause with the visitors trailing 5-1 in the 7^thinning. But then the unlikely occurred, something very un-Philadelphian. Indeed, the Phils exploded for five runs, capped by a three-run homer by a pre-felonious Lenny Dykstra.

Heading into the bottom of the 9^th, Philly clung to a 6-5 lead with closer Mitch Williams on the mound. (Brief digression: I’m told that, by the end of the ’93 campaign, my future mother-in-law, BETTINA OF THE NORTHEAST, was apparently the owner of several ulcers as the result of Mitch’s propensity for making most games a bit too interesting. Coincidentally enough, Bettina’s daughter, THE FAIR CLAUDINE, would one day marry a man named Williams, leading her to become ulcerous as well.)

Yet, for all of their closer’s wildness, the Philly fan base was quite confident as Toronto came to the plate with the game in the balance. Surely, the Phillies would hold on, sending the series to a seventh and deciding game.

In fact, TOMMY BIRD and many of the denizens of his local pub were already celebrating before Mitch even took the mound. Handshakes and hugs were exchanged. Waiters and waitresses passed out free food and drink. And men and women danced, and danced, and danced.

Then, disaster struck. Williams got into jam and, with one out, served up a meatball to ex-Cub Joe Carter, who promptly deposited the ball 379 feet away into the left field seats, ending the series and all revelry in the City of Brotherly Love. The very establishment where Philadelphia fans frolicked just a few minutes earlier immediately turned into a virtual wake with nary a word exchanged between the many patrons, all of whom were in a state of shock.

Then, the magical happened. Yes, cutting the silence, in the far corner of the pub, was a tiny, unknown voice with a big message:

“Let’s Gooooooo Fly—ers. Let’s Goooooo FLY—ERS! LET’S GOOOOO FLY-ERS!”

Within seconds, the entire assemblage of humanity joined in the chant and the mood of the bar was transformed. Handshakes and hugs were exchanged. Waiters and waitresses passed out free food and drink. And men and women danced, and danced, and danced. May T. BIRD experience such a fate this Sunday.

My fate last week was a fifth straight performance over .500 (7-6), pushing the season mark to 49-28 (64%). But all I want is one victory this week.

Several teams won’t get a win – or a loss – in Week Six. The bye squads are Arizona (1-4), Denver (1-4), Kansas City (2-3), San Diego (4-1), Seattle (2-3) and Tennessee (3-2). On to the games…

SUNDAY

San Francisco (4-1) at Dee-troit (5-0), 1 pm, Fox
Talk about a reversal of fortunes. The last time that these teams were both competitive, FATBACK HOBBS wasn’t known as FATBACK HOBBS, CHEWBACCA CEDRONE was known asTONY THE PATRIOT and Chocodiles were still in circulation.

Speaking of CHEWBACCA, I’m pleased to alert sports fans everywhere that I recently put out an APB (that’s an “All Pompadour Bulletin”) for our well-coiffed amigo and found him in suburban Maryland. Ever the planner, he was already packing his gear in anticipation of this year’s Lehigh-Lafayette contest, which he’ll be attending with his long time comrade THE JOBURG RIFLE and 80 of our closest friends. DEE-TROIT, 34-21.

St. Louis (0-4) at Green Bay (5-0), 1 pm, Fox
This contest probably isn’t worth spending much time on. Rodgers will throw for about 400 yards and six TDs. Bradford will be punished by everyone wearing a Green Bay uniform. Favre will call St. Lou to state his interest in the starting job. And lifelong Packers fan UNCA JOHN will celebrate with cheese curds aplenty. PACKERS, 109-12.

Carolina (1-4) at Atlanta (2-3), 1 pm, Fox
This is a very dangerous game for Atlanta, which is close to slipping well behind the rest of the pack in the playoff race. True, the Falcons’ losses have been to good football teams like Chicago, Tampa and Green Bay but shouldn’t Mike Smith’s squad be expected to win these games?

You have to love the happy-go-lucky attitude of Panthers QB Cam Newton, whose competitive spirit reminds me of a circa 2001 OBNOXIOUS MIKE, with the only difference being that Newton is actually in the NFL as compared to Division II in the Yorkville Rough Touch League. Actually, come to think of it, there are probably a lot of dissimilarities e.g. I don’t believe Cam has ever worn his pants on his head in a public place or run a tab on my credit card. FALCONS, 39-36.

Indianapolis (0-5) at Cincinnati (3-2), 1 pm, CBS
The records of these two teams illustrate why it is difficult to predict how things will unfold in the NFL. Stunningly, the Colts are in the running to win the Andrew Luck Derby while Cincy, long an afterthought, is winning games with a red-headed quarterback. What’s next? An auburn-haired president? Business leaders with crimson manes? How about an upset special? COLTS, 20-19.

Jacksonville (1-4) at Pittsburgh (3-2), 1 pm, CBS
With Blaine Gabbert manning the QB position and Maurice Jones-Drew struggling to shake loose, there’s little doubt that this season is Jack Del Rio’s swan song in the largest city by area in the contiguous 48. As has always been the case with the Ball, we disseminate knowledge even beyond the world of sports.

Blue horseshoe likes Pittsburgh. STEELERS, 30-9.

Buffalo (4-1) at NY Giants (3-2), 1 pm, CBS
Whenever I think of these two teams together – and it rarely, if ever, happens – I always think of Super Bowl XXV. Not so much of the game but of the food spread that day at 935 ½ East Sixth Street in Bethlehem, Pa., where I dined on various processed foodstuff with FATBACK, HAIRMAN KEN and BIG TIME MIKE. I fell in love with each of those big lugs that day.

Giants fans, however, are clearly out of love with QB Eli Manning, whose flurry of interceptions played a major role in last week’s upset at the hands of the Seahawks. The G-Men are always tough at home but, let’s face it, this Buffalo squad is just better. BILLS, 28-25.

Birds (1-4) at Skins (3-1), 1 pm, Fox
This game is going to be a battle royale, folks. Philly is a wounded animal and, generally when the Birds have been in that situation under Andy Reid, they’ve responded with big-time performances. The Skins, meanwhile, have had an extra week to prepare for this game and I believe that fact, along with various superstitions I’ll perform throughout the game, will be the difference. SKINS, 24-23.

Houston (3-2) at Baltimore (3-1), 4:05 pm, CBS
Houston, we have a problem. I know, that’s too easy. Mario Williams is out for the season. Andre Johnson is on the shelf for three weeks. And RAVISHING ROY REYNOLDS is out of sequins to put on his new Elvis costume. You can book it: the Texans will be back to their usual .500 home by game’s end. RAVENS, 30-26.

Cleveland (2-2) at Oakland (3-2), 4:05 pm, CBS
There was lots of sports emotion in the Raiders game last week, as Hue Jackson’s squad won one in memory of Al Davis. Much has been said and written about the longtime Raider legend but I’m of the opinion that his biggest sin was his habit of wearing white after Labor Day. RAIDERS, 31-22.

Dallas (2-2) at New England (4-1), 4:15 pm, Fox
This could be a beatdown of Biblical proportions with Tony Romo playing the role of Job. Of course, Job was righteous while Romo has a star on the side of his helmet, a character flaw if there ever was one. Brady and Welker go nuts. PATS, 37-27.

New Orleans (4-1) at Tampa (3-2), 4:15 pm, Fox
It’s hard to believe but no one is talking about the Saints, who are rolling along with a 4-1 mark and the NFC South lead. This looks like a mismatch considering Tampa’s 48-3 loss last week in San Fran but, as with sandwiches, things are seldom as they appear in the NFL. You know what I’m talking about, curried chicken salad on whole wheat with extra tomatoes. Mmmmm…SAINTS, 30-28.

Minnesota (1-4) at Chicago (2-3), 8:20 pm, NBC
Every game with the Vikings could be McNabb’s last start. Of course, you could say the same about Chicago’s Jay Cutler, who is taking a physical pounding week after week. This one will come down to how well the Bears can protect their QB from Jared Allen & Co.

The only sure thing: RIEGS THE BEARwill crush some Italian sausage and THE BIG D will be too busy dreaming of Theo Epstein to even turn on his TV. BEARS, 9-8.

MONDAY NIGHT

Miami (0-4) at NY Jets (2-3), 8:30 pm, ESPN
This rivalry is rife with memorable moments. AJ Duhe picks off three passes in the ’83 AFC title game, Wesley Walker scores four TDs in 1986 and Dan Marino fakes the spike in 1994. More recently, FISHBOY and PAULIE ROUNDTABLE engage in a winner-take-all mud wrestling match (pick any year from 1997-2002).

This Jets team has been a big-time disappointment thus far but it’s hard to imagine them falling to the Fins, even with the bye week to prepare. JETS, 26-13.

That’s it for this week. Enjoy your weekend. God bless you and your family.