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Week 13:
Turkey...Gone
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is an addict. That's right,
I've got it bad...for turkey.
I love my bird (but not the Birds) anyway I can get it - baked,
broiled, steamed, fried or roadkill. As I write, I'm dreaming
of the turkey I'll be abusing later on this afternoon.
I'd like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and thank
all my readers for their kind patronage. It can't be easy to look
at the fat face to your right each and every week. My wife, Lady
Fanwood, sure isn't happy about it.
In Thursday's games, I love Pittsburgh (-2)
at Detroit and Dallas (+3) hosting
Minnesota. Check back Friday for the rest of the Guru's predictions.
Week 12 record: 8-8-0 (Get yours, Guru.)
Season record: 65-70-3 (.500, Here I come.)
Norv T's record: 28-46-1 (Twenty-nine or bust!)
George's NCAA record: 98-104-2 (Click
for Saturday Selections, if you dare)
Tell the Guru what you think of his selections
at AQB's Speak Out board.
Pittsburgh (7-4) at Detroit (4-7) Line: PIT
-2 TV: CBS, 12:30 p.m. ET
This
is the type of game that Steelers coach Bill Cowher always has his
team prepared for. Speaking of prepared, the Guru is ready to
gobble up some serious turkey. I've got a handful of wet naps,
two gallons of water, one trough of well-cooked bird and several
pints of barbecue sauce. Watch out for falling abdomens!
I really like Pittsburgh but Detroit is always dangerous on Thanksgiving
at home. Remember, this is usually when the Lions start their
late surge. Oh, where have you gone Scott Mitchell? STEELERS
(Speak Out)
Minnesota (10-1) at Dallas (8-3) Line: MIN
-3 TV: Fox, 4:05 p.m.
Deion
Sanders is ailing and that spells bad news Kevin Smith, the cornerback
who must contend with Minnesota wide receiver Randy Moss. May
my fearless leader, Chief Redskin,
forgive me for what I'm about to say: I expect Dallas
to play with a lot of pride and win this ballgame.
Incidentally, I expect John Madden to make no less than 37 references
to turkey during Fox'sbroadcast. Not that there's anything wrong
with it - I've only mentioned six times so far in this week's Ball.
COWBOYS (Speak Out)
Carolina (2-9) at New York Jets (7-4) Line:
NYJ -8 TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
I
don't like New York. I've never liked New York. I never will like
New York. The city breeds criminals, smells like sewage and
promotes gum disease. And those are the good points.
That said, I'm rooting like mad for the Jets to win this weekend's
ballgame. Why, you ask? Well, it's in the Skins' interest that Carolina
lose as much as possible, since Washington owns the Panthers' first-round
draft choice. So, Brian Cox, behave like an animal. Bill Parcells,
take off your shirt. I don't care what it takes - Just Win Baby.
JETS (Speak Out)
Tampa Bay (4-7) at Chicago (3-8) Line: None
TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
A
battle for the Central Division cellar. The Bears have played fairly
well this year but haven't been able to hold late leads. Chicago's
stunning inability to play well in the fourth quarter kind of reminds
me of a certain team in Burgundy and Gold since 1994 under a certain
coach named Norvell.
But, at least the Bears are playing up to their talent level. The
Bucs, a playoff team a year ago, have played down to the level of
their opponent almost every week. If Tampa were playin' my 1-6-1
1983 Pop Warner team, a squad replete with misfits and serial bedwetters
(No comment!), they'd be getting three points - as long as Trent
Dilfer was at QB. BUCS (Speak
Out)
New Orleans (5-6) at Miami (7-4) Line: MIA -8
TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
This,
my friends, is a battle of matchups. Ditka vs Johnson. Frenchmen
vs Cubans. Mardi Gras vs Spring Break.
I'll never forget my time in the Big Easy. I was cold, naked
and afraid and others were afraid when I was naked. Fortunately
a gentle man, known as Gibbs, took me in and showed me a world
I never dreamed possible - leading me to Super Bowl titles with
three different quarterbacks.
Ditka has gotten a lot out of this Saints team, literally willing
them to several of their wins. Meanwhile, three years into his Miami
building plan, Jimmy Johnson's Dolphins aren't what he expected.
SAINTS (Speak Out)
Jacksonville (8-3) at Cincinnati (3-8) Line:
JAX -7 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
If
the Jags can win this one, they'll hold a two-game lead over Pittsburgh
with just four games to play. Cincinnati, on the other hand, can
pull within five games of first place with a victory. You can feel
the tension , sports lovers.
This Bengals team is always a curious one, kind of like my good
but strange friend, Sir Stripes.
Why just the other day, Stripes got himself in quite a fix by pulling
up a folding chair at A&P and chowing down at the refrigerated
cheese case. Unfortunately, his scarcity of funds landed him in
the pokie for the night. JAGS (Speak
Out)
Arizona (6-5) at Kansas City (4-7) Line:
KC -3 TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
This
Arizona team broke my heart last week. Jake Plummer & Co. took
a huge lead over my beloved Skins, only to nearly blow the lead
in a 45-42 win. I was close to leaving my local sports bar when
the score read 31-0 but I knew I couldn't abandon my boys.
Lo
and behold, the Skins couldn't pull it out and I
left Garfield's minus $24.75 and a little bit of dignity.
This Chiefs team is perplexing, at best. Always one of the NFL's
best under Marty Schottenheimer', they've now lost six straight.
If you'd have told me before the season that KC would fall apart,
I would've wagered a wheelbarrow of chicken fingers against
it. CHIEFS (Speak
Out)
Indianapolis (2-9) at Baltimore (4-7)
Line: BAL -5 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
I'll
never forget when Robert Irsay whisked the Colts out of Baltimore
under the cover of darkness. I was at home eating a pizza, pepperoni,
I believe, and the cheese-to-sauce ratio just didn't seem right.
Deep down, I understood what was going on.
Coach Jim Mora is on pretty solid footing in Indy with Peyton Manning
running the show. Baltimore's Ted Marchibroda, on the other hand,
is on his way out the door. Ted's known as an extremely nice
guy but so is my buddy, Fatback, and I wouldn't trust that nincompoop
to fetch the paper. Pity the poor soul that cares about this
ballgame. RAVENS (Speak
Out)
Atlanta (9-2) at St. Louis (3-8) Line: None
TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
Who
could've guessed the Falcons would be riding high atop the NFC West
heading into week 13. Certainly not the Guru, who had this team
pegged for a fourth- or fifth-place finish. Just goes to show that
anything can happen, kind of like when Clinton had a woman in
his office and didn't accost her. (Of course that lady was Madeleine
Albright but let's give the Prez some credit.)
While Atlanta is flourishing, this Rams team is on its last legs.
Coach Vermeil is losing his mind, Tony Banks is a discipline problem
and WR Isaac Bruce gets injured more than Wile E. Coyote. The
line is due to the questionable status of Banks and the recent injury
to Atlanta's Chris Chandler, who definitely will not play. FALCONS
(Speak
Out)
Buffalo (7-4) at New England (6-5) Line:
None TV: CBS, 4:05 p.m.
My good friend Buffalo Jill,
a longtime supporter of Bruce Smith and mangler of Buffalo Wings,
is about to give birth. I'm no doctor (though I once thought
about proctology for several days) but it seems to me that she'll
have a sports fan of some kind.
This won't please her weaker half, Cleveland
Tim, a big-time sissy who lives to do the dishes and "relate."
If you liked "Beaches" and "Terms of Endearment,"
you'll love Timmy.
The Pats and Tony the Patriot got lucky last week against Miami,
squeaking out a late victory. Incidentally, kudos to Tone for
his fine effort at last week's annual Lehigh-Lafayette tailgate.
For all his faults - bad breath, hairier than a gorilla, etc. -
the man can cook some sausage food. PATS
(Speak
Out)
Tennessee (6-5) at Seattle (5-6) Line: SEA
-2 TV: CBS, 4:05 p.m.
The
Oilers blew a chance to take a big step in the playoff race when
they lost to the Jets. Now, they head to the Pacific Northwest for
a date with the Seattle Seahawks, who've folded like a lawn chair
under the Guru's girth.
Seattle started the season with three straight wins but has
fallen on hard times lately. This week, Jon Kitna will start at
QB in place of Warren Moon. The official word is that Moon is being
benched but I have it on good information that the 41-year-old veteran
is moving into an assisted living center. Warren, do they
play Bingo at this place? I'm there, baby. OILERS (Speak
Out)
Philadelphia (2-9) at Green Bay (7-4) Line:
GB -18 TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
I
can't believe the Packers, coming off a loss, are favored by just
18 points vs the Birds. If I'm ann oddsmaker (which I'm not anymore),
the Pack would be favored by at least 25 points.
The way I see it, the Packers only need 19 points to cover, because
the Eagles aren't putting the ball in the end zone. Goodness,
Philly only has 92 points all season. The Skins and Cards combined
to score 87 in one game last week. I haven't seen something this
inoffensive since my teenage shoot as an underwear model. Birds=Brutal.
PACKERS (Speak
Out)
Washington (2-9) at Oakland (7-4) Line:
OAK -7 TV: Fox, 4:15 p.m.
Last
week, the mighty Skins did me proud, sports lovers. Faced with a
deficit of 31-0, in a season full of failure, my boys bounced off
the canvas and scored TDs on six consecutive possessions. Hey, we
had the ball down 45-42 with 1:30 to play - what else can you
ask for?
In Oakland, Jon Gruden has done a masterful coaching job,
especially after a horrible opening night loss at KC. Gruden's only
problem this season has been negotiating the roadways after putting
away a few cocktails. Next time, take Al Davis' white horse. SKINS
(Speak
Out)
Denver (11-0) at San Diego (5-6) Line: DEN
-13 TV: ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
Denver
star Terrell Davis returns to his San Diego roots for a date with
a team that has hung in there this season. The Chargers shut down
Davis in their first meeting this year, holding the back to 69 yards
on 20 carries in a 27-10 loss.
I remember the four youthful years I spent in Denver, enjoying the
occasional games from my parents' season-ticket package. How I loved
the Nachos at Mile High! Big, thick tortilla chips. Loads of heart-stopping
cheese sauce. Jalapenos by the bucketload. The hot dogs weren't
bad, either. CHARGERS (Speak
Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
New York Giants (4-7) at San Francisco (8-3) Line: SF -13 TV: ABC,
8:20 pm
My
friends, this is what those of us "in the business" call
a mismatch. New York is rude food, greasy people and gay bars. San
Fran is greasy food, rude people and gay bars. No, I'm not outing
myself. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
This Giants team is more painful to watch than The Mike Lupica Show.
How did that little pipsqueak get a show, by the way? The Niners
haven't played well as of late and are struggling to cover large
spreads. That said, the Giants are just bad enough to help them
do it. NINERS (Speak
Out)
BONUS
#14 Lehigh (11-0) at #3 Richmond (9-2) The Guru's Unbiased Line:
LEH -3
My friends, I initially planned to attend this ballgame but pulled
out when I learned that Richmond doesn't sell fried products at
home games. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mountain Hawks, but
even love has its boundaries.
Obviously, the NCAA selection committee doesn't think much of LU,
one of only two undefeated I-AA teams. Put me in a room with those
boys from the NCAA and I'll tell you who'll come out alive - Le
Guru, smilin' broadly, as he scrapes stodgy educators from his size-15
gunboats. You go and get yours, Lehigh. MOUNTAIN HAWKS (Speak
Out)
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See Saturday
Selections, George's weekly NCAA football picks
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