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Week 14:
A Guru Enraged
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is madder than Gilbert
Brown on an empty stomach.
Sunday I piled Lady Fanwood and
several other good luck charms into the car and headed for a local
sports bar to watch my Skins crush a brutal Oakland team.
Upon entering the bar I noticed an unkempt man in a Skins t-shirt,
right index finger firmly entrenched in one nostril. "I like
our chances today," I said. My friends, I was deeply horrified
when he replied, "I bet against 'em."
Bet against the Mighties, I thought? Why I'd rather eat nails,
abandon pork products and attend an Ellen DeGeneres film festival.
Just kidding, there's no way I'd sit through a weekend of DeGeneres.
Even Heche isn't ready for that.
Imagine my delight as the Mighties tap danced on the Raiders' skulls,
dealing the Silver and Black's playoff chances a severe blow. What
a thing of beauty it was. Trent Green was passin', Darrell Green
was tacklin' and Le Guru was smilin'.
As I left the bar, I tapped the gamblin' jackass on the shoulder
and said "Tough luck Buddy. I hope you keep losin' and your
family doesn't even whiff a grocery until the Spring thaw."
"Guru," he said apologetically. "I was wrong,
you were right. Thanks for teaching me the error of my ways. I will
never again bet against the Mighties and incur your wrath."
Skins, baby.
Week 13 record: 9-6-1 (Guru clearly getting
his)
Season record: 74-76-4 (Where you at George?)
Norv T's record: 29-46-1 (Next stop...30!)
George's NCAA record: 103-111-2 (Click
for Saturday Selections, if you dare)
Tell the Guru what you think of his selections
at AQB's Speak Out board.
THURSDAY
St. Louis (3-9) at Philadelphia (2-10) Line: PHI -1 TV: ESPN, 8:20
p.m.
A
Marv Albert special: For sadists and masochists only. This Eagles
team is simply horrendous. They can't score and they can't defend
but they can offend. Just ask my good man Tommy
Bird, a flamboyant Philadelphian with an affinity for
Tupperware soirees.
Seems that Tommy emptied the bank account he shares with his wife
before the season, springing for two club seats without her knowledge
. With twelve games down, the Birds are in decay, the wife is gone
and Tommy's only friend is his nightly TV dinner. Dear God,
I hope it's a Swanson's.
I know this game looks like a dud but I think I'll watch it.Then
again I'd sit and stare at a shower full of sumo champions if
one of them was carrying a football. Gridiron, you're my girl.
EAGLES (Speak Out)
New York Giants (4-8) at Arizona (6-6) Line:
ARZ -4 TV: Fox, 4:05 p.m.
Speaking
of bad football teams, here come the New York Giants. Anyone
who watched their horrible offensive display against San Francisco
this week probably went to bed wishing they didn't have eyes.
Despite recent failings, this Arizona team is poised for it's first
playoff game since my father stopped calling gas "petrol."
This marks the return of Giants coach Jim Fassel to his old stomping
grounds - Don't be surprised if he gets stomped. CARDINALS (Speak
Out)
Seattle (6-6) at New York Jets (8-4) Line: NYJ
-7 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
Talk
about your classic matchups. Jon Kitna vs Vinny Testaverde.
As a fan (and a comedian), I really can't ask for more than that.
The Jets have really turned it on lately but let's remember
they were also 8-4 at this point last year. In '97, they lost three
of their last four and finished out of the mix. I think they will
lose games to New England and Miami but I don't see them falling
to a Seattle team that just can't get it going. Coach Dennis Erickson,
by the way, is a goner. JETS (Speak
Out)
San Francisco (9-3) at Carolina (2-10) Line:
SF -9 TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
My
friends, I love Carolina in this ballgame. I guarantee the Panthers
won't lose by a wide margin (if they lose). Remember, the Panthers
have played the Niners well in the past, regardless of their record.
Also, San Francisco has sometimes struggled to put away bad teams
this year.
Sean Gilbert Watch: the ex-Skins defensive tackle is sailing
along with another great season - his 3 sacks are just 11 behind
team leader Kevin Greene. If that isn't worth $47 million, what
is? How long will Carolina allow Gilbert to steal their precious
oxygen before they cut the cord? PANTHERS (Speak
Out)
Hartford (7-5) at Pittsburgh (7-5) Line: PIT
-4 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
This
just might be the Game of the Week. Hartford has managed back-to-back
inspiring victories in the past two weeks and Bill Cowher's Steelers
traditionally play well at home late in the season.
What a joke last week's Patriots' win was against Buffalo. I didn't
have a problem with the pass interference call at the end but giving
Shawn Jefferson a catch with his feet clearly out of bounds was
ridiculous. The referees should be tarred, feathered and forced
to watch Pavarotti spend two hours in the steam room.
Though Hartford's on a roll, I've got a hard time picking against
the Steelers late in the season. Cowher vs Carroll is all the intelligent
fan, i.e. the Guru, needs to know. STEELERS (Speak
Out)
Detroit (5-7) at Jacksonville (9-3) Line:
JAX -7 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
Did
Detroit's win over Pittsburgh signal the Lions' usual late-season
surge to the playoffs? Doubt it. The Lions will have all they can
handle this week and will be lucky to stay close to a Jacksonville
team that is really hitting its stride.
It's pretty impressive how Tom Coughlin has built the Jaguars from
an expansion team into a perennial Super Bowl contender in the blink
of an eye. Reminds me of one time I went eatin' with Fatback
and every time I blinked, a declicious sausage would
disappear from my plate. Ol' boy never admitted to stealing my pork
but his sides kept expanding every time I looked up. Fatback, gimme
back my sausages, you thievin' joker. JAGS (Speak
Out)
Dallas (8-4) at New Orleans (5-7) Line: DAL
-6 TV: Fox, 1:01 p.m.
Funny
season in the NFC East. The Cowboys haven't played that well but
they control the division. Hard as some Dallas fans find it to believe,
they're really a shell of their former selves. Of course, a shell
of Nate Newton still weighs 300 pounds.
This New Orleans team, led by da coach, impresses me. Despite a
clear lack of offensive talent, Ditka has basically willed them
to five victories. I'd be surprised if they beat Dallas but I expect
them to stay in the game. SAINTS (Speak
Out)
Buffalo (7-5) at Cincinnati (2-10) Line:
BUF -4 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
The
Bills suffered the ultimate heartbreak when the officials robbed
them of a sure victory against Hartford. I'm sure Doug Flutie
felt like someone entered his home and stole his best set of tools.
That really burns me up just thinking about it. Honey, where's my
collection of exotic drillbits?
Speaking of the Bills, #1 fan Buffalo Jill
gave birth to 7-pound, 11-ounce Emma Lorraine Monday afternoon,
enabling her husband, Cleveland Tim,
to make it home in time for the Giants-Niners game. Congrats to
all involved, especially lil' Emma, who will be forced to root for
one of two brutal football teams.
Speaking of brutal, Cincinnati hasn't done squat since the '89 Bowl.
The more I think about this bad Cincy team, the more I wonder why
my friend Sir Stripes hasn't
offed himself. Buddy, if you've got the time, I've got the implements
of destruction. BILLS (Speak
Out)
San Diego (5-7) at Washington (3-9) Line:
WAS -3 TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
Don't
look now, sports lovers, but my Mighty Skins are on fire. Three
wins in five games and two near-misses against Arizona. This week
the San Diego Chargers come to town and Le Guru smells a butt
whippin'. Chief Redskin seconds that
emotion.
The Chargers lost a hard-fought game to Denver last week under
the leadership of QB Craig Whelihan. Whelihan has replaced rookie
Ryan Leaf, who has made a complete jackass of himself, personally
and professionally, this season. Think NFL people are wondering
whether Indianapolis should have taken Leaf ahead of Manning now?
SKINS (Speak
Out)
Indianapolis (2-10) at Atlanta (10-2) Line:
None TV: CBS, 1:01 p.m.
This Colts team is better than it's record and the Falcons are worse
than theirs. That said, Atlanta will run roughshod on Manning &
Co., treating the young QB like a red-headed stepchild. I was
once an auburn-haired stepchild myself and thanks to modern
technology - enabling me to freeze burritos by the dozen - I made
it through the rain.
Atlanta coach Dan Reeves has performed a near-miracle in the South,
winning with a team that others thought was beyond hope. Wonder
what he could do with George's Saturday
Selections column? FALCONS (Speak
Out)
Kansas City (5-7) at Denver (12-0) Line:
DEN -14 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
Call
me crazy but I think this could be the week that Denver's winning
streak ends. The Chiefs, long a formidable opponent, are a downtrodden
team and it's just possible that the Broncos are looking past them
to their date with Miami.
What else could go wrong for Marty Schottenheimer? His team
can't stop losing, his job is in jeapordy and he's heading to Denver.
Time for your blindfold and cigarette, sir. CHIEFS (Speak
Out)
Miami (8-4) at Oakland (7-5) Line: MIA -2
TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
This
game gives Miami a chance to deal Oakland a knockout blow in the
AFC wild-card race. Fans won't want to miss this matchup of great
quarterbacks - Miami's Dan Marino and Oakland's...Donald Hollas.
With Jeff George gone for the season, it's up to Hollas, a journeyman's
journeyman, to see the Raiders through.
Miami hasn't played well in big spots since Jimmy Johnson came aboard
yet I like JJ's chances against neophyte Jon Gruden. I wouldn't
say that Gruden is young but when Don Shula became Miami's head
coach Gruden was being screened for head lice. DOLPHINS (Speak
Out)
Baltimore (5-7) at Tennessee (6-6) Line:
TEN -6 TV: CBS, 4:15 p.m.
The
Ravens are coming off a euphoric win over carpetbagging Indianapolis
while the Oilers suffered a devastating defeat at Seattle. Aaah
Seattle, site of the Guru and Lady Fanwood's
honeymoon.
It seems like only yesterday I was watching the Mighty Skins fall
to Baltimore in that city's unsightly version of a sports bar.
"What kind of coffee would you like sir?," I was asked.
"Coffee? Give me a cold one and something salty, on the double.
And tell those sissies in the corner to put down the skateboards
and start a-watchin' some football." OILERS (Speak
Out)
Chicago (3-9) at Minnesota (11-1) Line:
MIN -16 TV: ESPN, 8:20 p.m.
The
Bears have resorted to using rookie Moses Moreno at quarterback.
It's a Moses they need but they guy they're looking for was once
portrayed by Chuck Heston.
The Vikings have simply had a fantastic year. Randy Moss is the
league's top rookie and Randall Cunningham is playing like Randall
Williams. The bottom's got to fall out sometime but this certainly
isn't the week. I look for the Bears to play tough for a while before
Minnesota's firepower becomes totally overwhelming. BEARS (Speak
Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Green Bay (8-4) at Tampa Bay (5-7) Line: None TV: ABC, 8:20 pm
This
looked like a battle for the Central Division title when the schedules
were printed. Now one team is fighting for a wild-card berth and
the other is struggling to reach .500. Speaking of trying to get
to 500, Green Bay defensive tackle Gilbert Brown is now weighing
in at about 491 pounds - just a few buffet stops from his magical
goal.
The Bucs haven't
struggled defensively but their offense has been uglier than a baby
with a beard. I think they'll give the Packers a game but they don't
have enough at stake to pull it out. PACKERS (Speak
Out)
BONUS
Lehigh (12-0) at Massachusetts (8-4) The Guru's Unbiased Line: LEH
-1
The Mountain Hawks are headed to the I-AA quarterfinals in putrid
Amherst, Mass. Look for Lehigh to throw early and often, assaulting
the hot air spewed forth by the state's #1 son - Teddy Kennedy.
I invited Tony the Patriot to
the game but he declined, citing "an engagement in the great
state of Connecticut." Seems Tony wants to first in line when
the Pats' tickets go on sale in Hartford in just two short years.
Hope he finds someone in line who's willing to shave that back.
MOUNTAIN HAWKS (Speak Out)
Previous Crystal Balls
Preview Week
2 Week 3
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Week 6 Week
7 Week 8 Week9
Week 10 Week
11 Week 12
Week 13
See Saturday
Selections, George's weekly NCAA football picks
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