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Week 16:
Bowl, anyone?
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is resting comfortably
after the Mighty Skins crushed a badly overmatched Carolina team
last Sunday.
Though the win was easy, sports lovers, getting to a television
to watch the thrashing was not. In fact, I drove my Big Mac-friendly
Ford Taurus to eight so-called sports bars before finding a
barkeep kind enough to honor my wishes to see the Mighties.
Meanwhile, Chief Redskin was
seated comfortably on his favorite barstool at Kouri's Pub in Peoria,
Ill., slurping milkshakes and devouring buffalo wings with uncanny
speed and accuracy. Aaah Chief, how do you do it?
This weekend, Lady Fanwood and
I will pass time in the kitchen. That's right, my wife will
be joining me in my favorite little corner of the home. Thank goodness
I'll have some assistance - it's really not safe for me to carry
the trough of salsa to the couch by myself.
Lady F. will be baking cookies of sugar, oatmeal and chocolate chip
and I'll be sampling them by the bucketful. Question: Are
Nestle's morsels and Beer Nuts a lethal mix? Skins, baby.
Week 15 record: 9-4-2 (Finishing hot, just
like the Mighties.)
Season record: 92-87-6 (Next stop...100 wins.)
Norv T's record: 31-46-1 (I smell win #32 and a victory pizza.)
George's NCAA record: 104-116-2 (Saturday
Selections)
Tell the Guru what you think of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board
SATURDAY
New York Jets (10-4) at Buffalo (9-5) Line: BUF -2 TV: 12:30 pm,
CBS
A
Jets win nets them the AFC East title - their first since the AFL
and NFL merged in 1970. Think of all that's happened since then.
The crumbling of the Berlin wall...the breakup of the Soviet Union...ArmchairQB.com...the
emergence, the disappearance and now, the triumphant return, of
satin hot pants. What? Satin hot pants never came back? Bring
a Hefty bag, honey. It's time for me to clean my closet.
The Jets have done a lot of impressive things this year but I can't
imagine them winning in the hostile environment of Rich Stadium
in December. Take Flutie & Co. in this one. BILLS (Speak
Out)
Tampa Bay (7-7) at Washington (5-9) Line:
TB -3 TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
After
last year's wonderful playoff run, the Bucs find themselves scratching
and clawing for the postseason in 1998. This week's formidable obstacle:
the Mighty Skins, winners of five of their last seven games after
an 0-7 start.
The Skins have lost to Tampa four times during the Norv Turner era
and, if you're interested, I can go over each loss play by play.
Henry Ellard's would-be TD catch in 1994 as I worked a hot dog.
Cedric Smith's dropped pass on the goal line in 1995 as I scarfed
Nachos. Brian Mitchell's opening-kickoff fumble in 1996 as I consumed
a burger. Defeat never tasted so good. SKINS (Speak
Out)
SUNDAY
Kansas City (6-8) at New York Giants (6-8) Line:
NY -1 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
Both
of these teams have endured nightmare seasons. The Chiefs are headed
for their first non-winning season under Marty Schottenheimer and
the Giants have had to play in the sludge of the Meadowlands. Actually,
playing at Giants Stadium isn't that bad, once you adapt to the
battery showers and stench of urine.
My good friend Brother Bluenik,
a purported Jints booster, actually thinks his team is headed for
the playoffs. Playoffs? I don't think so - it's time to get ready
for the draft (which I've been doing since week two). KC is playing
better ball as of late but I like NY here. GIANTS
(Speak Out)
San Francisco (11-3) at Hartford (8-6) Line:
SF -7 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
These franchises are from different worlds. San Fran has won at
least 10 games for 16 straight seasons. The Pats have played at
least 16 games for 10 straight seasons. The Niners have an explosive
offense while Hartford's "O" wouldn't be explosive if
it included the use of hand grenades.
Times
are tough for my hairy buddy Tony the Patriot,
who claims he'll abandon the Pats of Hartford. A disgruntled Tony
recently vowed not to shave 'til owner Bob Kraft decides
to remain in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Already neighbors
are complaining about the appearance of Tony the P, who is carrying
more fur than your average 1860s trader. PATS
(Speak Out)
Tennessee (8-6) at Green Bay (9-5) Line: GB
-6 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
This
game will as interesting as a 79-item buffet. The Oilers have plenty
to play for, with a playoff berth on the line. Meanwhile, the Pack
is a lock for the NFC's fifth seed.
This week, quarterback Brett Favre spoke about how happy he was
at not being selected for the Pro Bowl. Sure, just like I loved
when I lost my pokin' stick and couldn't change the channel. How
Dumb does Favre think I am? What's that you say, Brett? Burritos
are falling from the sky? Wow! I gotta find my fish net and head
outside. It's rainin' beef and bean. OILERS (Speak
Out)
St. Louis (4-10) at Carolina (2-12) Line:
CAR -3 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
Head
coaches Dick Vermeil and Dom Capers are headed for the chopping
block at season's end. The game has passed the Rams coach by but
I feel for Capers, a good man who took the Panthers to the NFC title
game just two seasons ago.
All the talk in Carolina this week has been about LB Kevin Greene's
attack of then-assistant coach Kevin Steele, who took the top
job at Baylor Thursday. Sources tell me the pair met for lunch Wednesday
to resolve the situation. I'm not sure what was said but the coach
had chicken and Greene had fish, slightly undercooked. Dessert was
cobbler, apple I believe. PANTHERS
(Speak Out)
Cincinnati (2-12) at Pittsburgh (7-7) Line:
PIT -10 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
One
of football's most underrated rivalries is renewed at Three Rivers
and, for the first time in years, the Steelers aren't headed to
the playoffs. Meanwhile, coach Coslet has led Cincy to 10 straight
losses, the Bengals longest streak since last season.
Last week's Pittsburgh lowlight was the televised breakdown of struggling
QB Kordell Stewart, who bickered with coach Bill Cowher on the sidelines
in Tampa Bay. Haven't seen a guy come unglued like that in public
since Chief Redskin tried to
bludgeon Norv Turner at the Skins-Broncos tilt. Incidentally, the
Chief's house arrest ends next week. BENGALS
(Speak Out)
Baltimore (5-9) at Chicago (3-11) Line:
Pick 'em TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
The
Ravens pay their first visit to the Windy City and historic Soldier
Field. Ted Marchibroda's team has been more competitive lately but
the club hasn't played up to its talent level. Does Baltimore
need some younger blood?
Last week the Bears were competitive again, giving the Packers all
they could handle at Green Bay before falling short. It must've
been a disheartening loss for Ol' Jim,
the Chief's best friend and a die-hard Bears backer. Jim's a class
act who drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon, shops at the Salvation Army and
"warshes" once a week, whether he needs it or not. BEARS
(Speak
Out)
Atlanta (12-2) at Detroit (5-9) Line: ATL
-4 TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
The
Falcons are playing with a heavy heart, no pun intended, as head
coach Dan Reeves recovers from quadruple-bypass surgery. Dating
back to his tenure in Denver, Reeves has never received the respect
he deserves as one of the NFL's best coaches.
This Detroit franchise is in shambles but one of the bright spots
has been the play of rookie QB Charlie Batch. Unfortunately, Batch
is injured and will probably be replaced by backup Frank Reich this
week. Reich is known for leading huge comebacks in college and the
NFL but now he's just an average second-stringer with a nice set
of teeth. FALCONS (Speak
Out)
Oakland (7-7) at San Diego (5-9) Line: SD
-2 TV: 4:05 pm, Fox
Is
it just me or are there some brutal games this week? The Raiders
looked like a playoff team five weeks ago. Now, they look like a
typical '90s Al-Davis team - long on talent, short on effort.
The San Diego franchise is a bigger sham than the Clinton presidency.
How bad is it? Last week, coach June Jones opted to lead the University
of Hawaii football program into the 21st century. His lifetime NFL
winning percentage of .400 would be great if he played baseball
but something tells me WAC coaches aren't quite shaking in their
boots. CHARGERS (Speak
Out)
Indianapolis (3-11) at Seattle (7-7) Line:
SEA -7 TV: 4:05 pm, CBS
The
Colts haven't won much but rookie QB Peyton Manning is setting tons
of records and the team is becoming more competitive. It's a
credit to Jim Mora that the conservative coach has been willing
to let his young star air it out.
The Seahawks have had their share of ups and downs this season.
They got off to a 3-0 start, struggled then rallied before a bad
call snatched a win vs the Jets. Dennis Erickson & Co. can
take solace in the fact that they're not the first people to be
robbed in the Big Apple and they won't be the last. As I write
this, some thug is probably leafing through the McDonald's receipts
in my wallet in a quest for Ketchup-stained cash. SEAHAWKS
(Speak
Out)
Philadelphia (3-11) at Dallas (8-6) Line:
DAL -10 TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
This
game causes me to recall some great battles of the past. David vs
Goliath. Christians vs Lions. Cheech vs Chong. Dallas is heavily
favored and should win in a rout but you never know when Philly
will rise up like the stench from a South Jersey landfill.
Seeking to win the NFC East, the Cowboys have dropped consecutive
games to Minnesota (46-36), New Orleans (22-3) and Kansas City (20-17).
This team is in such a funk you'd swear Switzer is at the controls.
Prediction: If the Boys fail to close the deal vs Philly
and Arizona wins two games at home, the Mighties will eliminate
Dallas from the playoffs next week. Skins, baby. BIRDS (Speak
Out)
New Orleans (6-8) at Arizona (7-7) Line:
ARZ -3 TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
One
of these teams deserves to go to the playoffs and it isn't Arizona.
Five of the Cards seven wins have come in the final minutes, including
two fluke victories
vs the Mighty Skins. I don't like Arizona. Vince Tobin can't coach,
Jake Plummer can't pass and the sunshine is too bright. That
said, I'd live in that state's most barren wasteland if all I had
was a covered wagon and a month's supply of baked beans.
The Saints have competed wonderfully under Mike Ditka, winning several
games they had no business being in. This is another they shouldn't
win but the cardiac Cards will give them a chance. CARDINALS
(Speak Out)
Jacksonville (10-4) at Minnesota (13-1)
Line: MIN -13 TV: 8:20 pm, ESPN
I
simply love the Jaguars in this contest. True they struggled last
week under third-string QB Jonathan Quinn but the youngster has
a good week of practice under his belt and the Vikings could be
ripe for the picking. Also, Jacksonville is much more than injured
QB Mark Brunell.
The Vikings have been spectacular all season long and there's
really no reason to think their magic will end this weekend. Randy
Moss...Cris Carter...Randall Cunningham. I haven't seen weapons
like this since the City of New York issued me the firearms required
for its denizens. JAGUARS (Speak
Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Denver (13-1) at Miami (9-5) Line: DEN -3 TV: 8:20 pm, ABC
Poor,
poor ABC. This week's contest looked to be the top-rated Monday
Night game ever, until Denver lost (presumably at gunpoint) to New
York. Now, the network is bombarding viewers with the tantilizing
Elway vs Marino angle, just the second time the class of
'83 QBs have met.
Though the Broncos have sealed the AFC's top spot, they'll give
it all they've got this week. Mike Shanahan and his players won't
soon forget how they collapsed in '97 after resting late in the
season. Like George Stahl in his dating years, the Dolphins will
rely on the desperation factor. Jimmy J.'s not the coach many
think he is but he'll get it done Monday night. DOLPHINS
(Speak
Out)
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