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Week 17:
Merry Christmas
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is grateful. Grateful
for a good job...and a big appetite...and a mediocre web site.
But, I'm most grateful for my faith, my family and all the other
gifts God has given me. Inarguably, one of these gifts is a startling
ability to pick football games, as evidenced by my 45-32-1 mark
over the past five weeks.
This late surge has matched the rally of my Mighty Skins, who
are the best team in the NFL at this or any other moment.
I don't want to get ahead of myself but this team is going to
the bowl in '99. You can set your watch to predictions like
that, my friends.
Now, as a gift to my loyal readers, I present "O Crystal Ball,"
as sung to the tune of "O Christmas Tree."
O Crystal Ball, O Crystal Ball you come to us once weekly,
O Crystal Ball, O Crystal Ball you're read by Tyrone Wheatley.
You're full of sports...and knowledge too,
You're published by...the Goooo-roooo.
O Chief Redskin, O Chief Redskin the season's not been great,
O Chief Redskin, O Chief Redskin it's time to hibernate.
You went to see the Broncos game,
To your chagrin, the Skins were slain.
O Tommy Bird, O Tommy Bird the Eagles are the worst,
O Tommy Bird, O Tommy Bird you never will see first.
Although you wish with all your might,
They cannot form the huddle right.
O Fatback, O Fatback you are not getting thinner,
O Fatback, O Fatback you'll need the lard for winter.
You're overweight but that's ok,
Cuz Levi's has size 48.
O Tone the Pat, O Tone the Pat you'll never win the Bowl,
O Tone the Pat, O Tone the Pat not with Pete Carr-oll.
You're I-talian and hairy,
That is a double whammy.
O Georgie S., O Georgie S. you pick the college games,
O Georgie S., O Georgie S. your brutal record's lame.
You work part-time at Armchair,
There are no real jobs anywhere.
O Lady F., O Lady F. the Guru can't come shopping,
O Lady F., O Lady F. the football isn't stopping.
A football wi-dow, that you are,
The Guru lives in the sports bar.
O Crystal Ball, O Crystal Ball it's time to open presents,
O Crystal Ball, O Crystal Ball I'd love a deep-fried pheasant.
I love the Skins, I do not jest,
And I
would pass a urine test.
O Crystal Ball, O Crystal Ball I wish you glad tidings,
O Crystal Ball, O Crystal Ball this song I am done writing.
Week 16 record: 9-6-0 (Smooth like butter.)
Season record: 101-93-6 (No vacancies on Bandwagon. Waiting
list full.)
Norv T's record: 32-46-1 (Is that #33 I detect?)
George's NCAA record: 104-116-2 (Saturday
Selections)
In this week's games, I like Tennessee (+4)
vs Minnesota, Oakland (-2)
hosting Kansas City, Philly
(+5) over the Giants,
the high-flying Jets (-3)
against Hartford and Chi-town
(NL) to beat Green Bay.
In other action, I'll take Baltimore (-2)
at home vs Detroit, Atlanta (-2) against
the Dolphins, Cincy (+6) hosting Tampa
Bay, Carolina (+4) over Indy and Buffalo
(-3) at the Saints. I love San Fran
(NL) over St. Louis, Seattle (+10)
at Denver, the Chargers (+7)
at Arizona and, on Monday night, Pittsburgh
(+4) at Jacksonville.
No, I haven't forgotten this week's most important matchup. The
Mighty Skins vs Dallas. Norv vs Chan. Love vs Hate. Class vs the
Jerry Springer Show.
No, I'm not throwing you a line when I say I love the Skins
in this ballgame. This Dallas team has looked horrendous in
recent weeks and Norv always has the Skins ready to play in Texas
Stadium. Look for the Mighties to wax Dallas like Tony
the Patriot waxes his back. Skins, baby!
Tell the Guru what you think of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board
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