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Week Two:
Guru In Agony
By
Randy Williams
My friends,
if the
Guru were to drop dead at this moment, the autopsy
would reveal the cause as Gustavus Frerottitis, an affliction common
to those who wear the Burgundy and Gold.
Truth be told, Gus Frerotte doesn't deserve the most blame for last
week's Skins' loss. The true bane of my existence is one Shar
Pourdanesh, who couldn't have blocked a sack of potatoes against
the Giants (This was confirmed in the third quarter when the Iran
native was juked by a bag of Yukon Golds, who proceeded to "mash"
Frerotte into the ground.)
Enough about my team, which will whip San Francisco Monday Night.
It's time to discuss the buzz around the NFL: Are the Philadelphia
Eagles a lock for an 0-16 record? Judging by last week's effort
against Seattle, the answer is a resounding (cue the Marv Albert
voice-over) "Yes!" To my good friends Plodding
George and Tommy
Bird, I send my condolences and the assurance that bad
football is still football nonetheless.
New York Giants (1-0) at Oakland (0-1) Line: Oakland -2
Giants fans are feeling their oats after last week's fluke win but
things will come crashing down on this trip to the left coast. The
Raiders looked abysmal last week, reminding me of some of the pee
wee teams I played on as a kid. How bad were those clubs? My parents
used to come to the games in disguise, for God's sake. My Dad wore
his fake glasses and mustache so much I thought my mom was married
to Groucho Marx until I turned 18. Take the Raiders in a mild
upset.
Baltimore (0-1) at New York Jets (0-1) Line: New York -6
Ravens vs Jets. The Chesapeake vs the Hudson. Crab Cakes vs Fish
"sleeping" on the water. Seafood vs (You don't wanna) See
(What they put in the) food. Dogs vs Cats. New Yorkers don't
like Baltimorians. Baltimorians, like anyone with an IQ higher than
a donkey (and most Philadelphians), don't like New Yorkers. Jets.
Tampa Bay (0-1) at Green Bay (1-0) Line: Green Bay -7
When we last saw these two combatants together, they were mixing
it up in a playoff rumble at Lambeau Field. Sapp was yelling at
Favre. Favre was yelling at Sapp. Lady
Fanwood was yelling at me. (Wife: Randy! Put down
that remote and look at me. Look at me!" Guru: What's that
honey? Cook for me? Sure, go ahead. I'll take a turkey samwich (sic)
with all the trimmings.") Bucs.
Buffalo (0-1) at Miami (1-0) Line: Miami -7
The Bills will be led by Lil' Doug Flutie, at 5'2" the shortest
athlete since 3-foot-7-inch Eddie Gaedel pinch hit for the St. Louis
Browns in 1951. Most people know Flutie starred in the Canadian
Football League but many don't know that Gaedel also spent time
in the Great White North. After walking in his only at-bat, Gaedel
migrated to Canada where he served as bait for fishermen working
off the coast of Nova Scotia. Sadly he called it quits in 1955,
having tired of the nickname "Minnow Boy." Dolphins.
Chicago (0-1) at Pittsburgh (1-0) Line: Pittsburgh -11
Expected to be one of the league's worst teams, the Bears nearly
stunned Jacksonville last week. The logical choice here is to take
Chicago, considering their near-win and the Steelers' struggle at
Baltimore. But as you know, the
Guru does not dabble in logic. Take Pittsburgh in
a rout of epic proportions.
Philadelphia (0-1) at Atlanta (1-0) Line: Atlanta -8
What do these two also-rans have in common? Both were coached by
none other than the Swamp Fox, Marion Campbell. Campbell,
34-80-1 in two stints in Atlanta and one in Philly, is undoubtedly
one of the worst coaches of the modern era. Campbell was
the Eagles defensive coordinator in 1980, the only time that the
beleageured Birds advanced to the Bowl. With this year's team already
off to a putrid start, we are almost certainly looking at the waning
moments of the Ray Rhodes presidency. Good night, sweet Tommy
Bird. Falcons.
Kansas City (1-0) at Jacksonville (1-0) Line: None
This game matches perhaps the AFC's two best teams. Kansas City
will be at a disadvantage with journeyman QB Rich Gannon replacing
Elvis Grbac. I don't want to say Gannon is shaky but, when he was
with the Skins, I routinely hung myself on a meat hook doused with
rubbing alcohol as that was infinitely more pleasurable than watching
them run the team. Do I like the Jags in this game? Like Fatback
enjoys grisel-filled pork, my friends. Jax.
Carolina (0-1) at New Orleans (1-0) Line: Carolina -3
The Sean Gilbert Era got off to a glorious start as the Panthers
lost to the Atlanta Falcons, formerly coached by a certain Swamp
Fox, Marion Campbell. A key to the Carolina loss was Gilbert's offsides
penalty with Atlanta facing third down and four yards to go and
2:23 to play. After the game, coach Dom Capers said "An error like
that is a killer." Dom, old buddy, players like Gilbert are a
killer. With Billy Joe Hobert out for the year, the Saints will
use 1997 Heisman Trophy winner Danny Wuerffel at quarterback. Where
have you gone Baby Heath? Car-OH-lina.
Cincinnati (0-1) at Detroit (0-1) Line: Detroit -6
Once again the Bengals aren't good but when you're facing Lions
QB Scott Mitchell you've always got a chance. Last week Mitchell
continued his bumbling ways, fumbling on a quarterback sneak, which
the Packers returned for a touchdown. My grandmother could have
done a better job on that play and she has been unable to bend at
the knees or waist since coffee cost a nickel. Last week marked
yet another setback for Cincy running back Ki-Jana Carter, who
broke his wrist and is out for the year. The only good news is that,
since he's hurt, he doesn't have to spend all his time in Cincinnati.
Dee-troit.
Minnesota (1-0) at St. Louis (0-1) Line: Minnesota -7
Last week the Vikings unveiled rookie receiver Randy Moss and the
results were spectacular. The speedy star from Marshall abused Tampa
Bay's diminutive defensive backs. The Rams found a way to lose at
home to the Saints, sending aged coach Dick Vermeil one step closer
to the brink. When Vermeil finally explodes, it's going to be virtual
Vesuvius, with smoke, ashes and more lava than I've got in all the
lamps at my house. As for me, I'll take Minnesota.
San Diego (1-0) at Tennessee (1-0) Line: Tennessee -7
Ryan Leaf led the Chargers to victory in his pro debut but he'll
face a tougher test this week when San Diego travels to Nashville.
The Oilers will receive much more support in their new setting than
they did in Memphis, which treated the team like a red-headed stepchild.
I am using this platform to announce my plan to give the Tennessee
team a more suitable nickname by the end of this season. Early
favorite is the Eagles, since there are no professional teams by
that name. Oil.
Dallas (0-1) at Denver (1-0) Line: Denver -7
This contest is a rematch of Super Bowl XII, when backup QB Norris
Weese sparked Denver, coming off the bench to complete four of 10
passes for 22 yards. Starting QB Craig Morton led the Broncos in
passing that day with a masterful 4-15 performance for 39 yards.
Chief
Redskin and I didn't watch that 1978 game as we were
busy breaking down film in preparation for the upcoming NFL draft.
We had our eye on a bright-eyed fifth-grader named Barry Sanders
but the Skins didn't see it that way, picking Florida's Tony Green
with their first choice, the 159th overall. Broncs
Arizona (0-1) at Seattle (1-0) Line: Seattle -8
Question: If Arizona and Seattle play and no one is there, will
the game make a sound? Actually, the Seahawks got off to a rousing
start with a 38-0 devastation of Philadelphia. The Cards were on
the other end of the ledger, losing to Dallas 38-10. On paper
this game doesn't look like it will be close. But they do not
play the NF of L on paper, my friends, most likely because the surface
would be slippery and be torn beyond recognition. Nonetheless, I
like me the Seahawks in a big, big way.
Indianapolis (0-1) at New England (0-1) Line: New England -11
This, my friends, is what those of us "in the business" like to
call a mismatch. New England is a playoff team while the
Colts are a perennial loser. Speaking of perennial losers,
my good friend Tony
the Patriot is in good spirits, having recently undergone
emergency surgery to have a 6-foot-by-6-foot swath of hair removed
from his back. I'm not saying my boy is hairy but he has been cast
in the Broadway show, "Chewbacca and Princess Leia: A Love Undiscovered."
Pats. Pats. Pats.
San Francisco (1-0) at Washington (1-0) Line: San Francisco -4
Sports lovers, my condition on Tuesday will depend largely upon
the outcome of this game. The Skins haven't beaten the Niners since
1986, when I was an impressionable young lad who cared only about
football. I sure have changed a lot. Now, I also care about baseball,
basketball, hockey and skeet shooting.
This contest marks the first start of former third-string QB Trent
Green, who is perennially the team's best quarterback in training
camp. I don't want to put pressure you Trent, but if we don't
win this game I'll go on a hunger strike, sending the Nacho
and Sausage industries into a tailspin from which they'll never
recover. Skins, baby.
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For the Week Two
Cast of Characters, click here
For the Crystal Ball Season Preview,
click here
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