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Week 3: Suicide
Watch On
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is on the brink. Hide
the cutlery. Stash the cyanide. Put away the ammo.
Monday night's Skins loss to the 49ers was more painful than
reading the Starr Report and much less interesting. After the debacle
ended, Chief Redskin called to give his take on the game.
I think he might have uttered a word that wasn't an obscenity but
I'm still not sure. Norv, steer clear of the Chief.
Just two weeks into the season, the Mighties are at a crossroads
with games against Seattle, Denver and
Dallas on the horizon. With a lineup like that, the Skins' horizon
may quickly turn into a sunset.
How bad was my Monday night? After the rout, I posted a story
about ABC's game coverage. Then, I spent a few minutes listening
to my beloved Cubs play the Padres on the Internet. When I went
to bed, my boys were up 2-1. Naturally, they lost 4-3 and the Mets
won, evening the wild card race.
My bad luck continued Tuesday morning. First I went to Dunkin
Donuts for my morning bagel and dropped my container of orange juice
on the floor, not unlike Terry Allen leaving the ball on the turf
in the first quarter. Then, much to my chagrin, I did not get hit
by a bus while crossing the street. Talk about bad luck. Cubs,
baby?
Last week's record: 5-10 (Dude, I was thisclose to 15-0)
New York Jets (0-2) at Indianapolis (0-2) Line: New York -9
One of these teams has a good quarterback and a good coach.
The other plays its home games at the Meadowlands. Picked by many
to contend in the AFC East, the Jets are off to a rough start after
losses to San Fran and Baltimore.
The Colts lost at New England as QB Peyton Manning threw more incomplete
passes than Clinton against Paula Jones. COLTS
Pittsburgh (2-0) at Miami (2-0) Line: Miami -2
The Steelers are again a top tier AFC team while Jimmy Johnson
is still trying to get things done in Miami. Dallas feels like a
long time ago, doesn't it JJ?
I have an acquaintance, named Fishboy, and let's just say
he's a little enamored with Dan Marino. He's got Marino posters
on his wall, a "God Bless Dan," tattoo on his buttocks and a restraining
order designed to keep him at least 1,000 feet from the QB's home.
Cowher, my friends, is the finest coach in the game. STEELERS
Green Bay (2-0) at Cincinnati (1-1) Line: Green Bay -7
Bruce Coslet's team is coming off one of its biggest wins in
the '90s, an overtime win at Detroit. Of course that victory can
be attributed to the largess of Lions QB Scott Mitchell, who threw
a pair of interceptions that my grandmother could have caught. Gram's
got nice hands but those wrinkled puppies are best used for
handling her walker, not doing battle with NFL receivers.
Green Bay looked outstanding in its win against rival Tampa Bay.
As long as the Pack has Brett Favre, they'll always contend and
the huddle will reek of barley and hops. CATS
Detroit (0-2) at Minnesota (2-0) Line: Minnesota -5
Already 0-2 and facing the Vikings, Detroit hasn't felt such
pain since K-Cars began rolling off the assembly line. Aaah, how
I used to love tooling around town in my beautiful mint green Aries.
How the women loved me. You should've seen them pointing their fingers
at me and laughing, probably pining for an invitation to ride. The
Lions probably won't be feeling too good after they battle the Vikings
and their big-play attack.
In a wise move the Guru expected, the Lions will start rookie
QB Charlie Batch in place of Scott Mitchell. Mr. Batch meet
Mr. Randall. Mr. Batch meet your neurosurgeon. VIKINGS
Tennessee (0-2) at New England (1-1) Line: New England -6
A couple years ago, I was in love with coach Jeff Fisher's Houston
team. They had pizzazz, they had spunk, they had moxie. My God,
they had moxie! Now that they've moved to Tennessee, all their fans
are a bunch of overall-wearing bohunks named Jethro. Not that
I've got anything against yokels. After all, my wife's married
to one.
The Pats defense, one of the NFL's best, will be tested by an Oilers'
attack featuring running back Eddie George and wide receiver Yancey
Thigpen. Good ol' Thigpen. My favorite Peanuts character. PATS
San Diego (2-0) at Kansas City (1-1) Line: Kansas City -10
A huge surprise, the Chargers are still getting less respect
than the Guru at his underwear-model audition. Ryan Leaf didn't
throw any picks against Tennessee and, according to his coaches,
didn't make any mental errors. B. Clinton, he ain't.
I like the Chiefs to go the Bowl because this is the first time
in recent years they aren't expected to go dancin'. However, as
I said in my season preview (click
here), they will rue the day they signed Fat Chester McGlockton.
McGlockton recently had back surgery (read: liposuction) and isn't
expected back for at least another month. The man is stealing money
and oxygen, my friends. CHIEFS
St. Louis (0-2) at Buffalo (0-2) Line: Buffalo -4
Pity the poor soul so addicted to gambling that he wagers on
this game. The Rams are fed up with the training regimen of coach
Dick Vermeil, who hasn't coached a winning team since sexual harassment
actually involved sex and harassment.
You've got to hand it to former Bills coach Marv Levy for
knowing when to abandon a sinking ship. If he had captained the
Exxon Valdez, he'd have jumped overboard when it ran ashore and
turned up six days later in a foreign outpost, smelling like the
chain-smoking attendant at my local Amoco. BILLS
Chicago (0-2) at Tampa Bay (0-2) Line: Tampa Bay -8
Bears fans rejoicing about the team's two close defeats should
remember two things: A blackhead is still a zit and a tight
loss is still a loss. (The witty acne metaphor should be particularly
helpful to baby-faced tailback Curtis Enis.) But,
Chicago has played Jacksonville and Pittsburgh well and the Tampa
game should be interesting.
The Bucs have struggled in the season's first two weeks, looking
unimpressive against the Vikings and Packers. Tampa coach Tony Dungy
has suggested that lineman Warren Sapp is overweight, a statement
supported by his body-fat percentage of 91%. BEARS
Washington (0-2) at Seattle (2-0) Line: Seattle -8
If the Skins lose this ballgame I'll be forced to burn the pictures
from my honeymoon in Seattle. Well, I guess I'd keep the Puget
Sound photo with the mermaid.
The key to this contest will be Washington's ability to stop Seahawks
running back Ricky Watters, a Skins nemesis when he played in Philly.
Watters seems rejuvenated in Seattle, like my missus when she learned
we got a house with indoor plumbing. SKINS, baby.
Denver (2-0) at Oakland (1-1) Line: Denver -7
This is a mismatch. Like lovely, vivacious Estelle Getty vs
overrated, pugilistic Cameron Diaz. Give me "The Golden Girls"
and a pint of Burgundy & Gold Kool Aid any day, baby.
This looks like the type of game where Denver's offense should be
able to exploit Oakland's D, ranked 30th in the league last season.
But the Raiders defense is vastly improved and last week's win will
do wonders for rookie head coach Jon Gruden's confidence. RAIDERS
Baltimore (1-1) at Jacksonville (2-0) Line: Jacksonville -7
Having recently spent a night in Baltimore, I can unequivocally
say that it is in Maryland. Beyond that, I don't want to comment.
The Ravens boast a fine defense and, in tackle Jonathan Ogden, on
of the best offensive linemen in the league.
The city of Jacksonville is hotter than the planet Mercury,
easily leading the nation in sweat beads per capita. The Jags are
a young team on the rise, kind of like Menudo in shoulder pads.
JAGUARS.
Philadelphia (0-2) at Arizona (0-2) Line: Arizona -4
My friends, this game is a bigger sham than the Clinton marriage.
Both teams have looked putrid in weeks one and two. The highlight
of last week's Arizona trip to Seattle was the $2.50 Mimosa special
on the flight home.
The peak of the Birds' week was when coach Ray Rhodes' projector
broke down, preventing the team from watching the film of its loss
at Atlanta. Luckily, Philly fans are patient and didn't hang
Ray Rhodes in effigy until the second quarter. CARDS
Dallas (1-1) at New York Giants (1-1) Line: New York -4
Without Troy Aikman, the Cowboys are like a wounded animal.
Dallas will start ex-Ivy Leaguer Jason Garrett at quarterback so
if "College Jeopardy" breaks out, I like their chances.
Though I hate the Giants, as well, I cannot root against them when
they are playing Dallas. Maybe I'll just pray for a nice natural
disaster (i.e. an earthquake or a N.Y. democrat making sense). GIANTS.
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