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Week 5: Paging
Mr. Gibbs
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is riding a roller coaster
of emotion as my beloved Cubbies, the long-time bane of my existence,
have made the playoffs. Next stop: series. Anyone interested?
Cleveland? New York?
On the other hand, the Mighty Skins are in worse shape than Pavarotti's
body double.
Yes, the Skins continue to go the way of the Edsel, falling to 0-4
with a pathetic loss to Denver. Worse yet, I attended this debacle
with my parents, Chief Redskin
and Mother Guru, and my
beautiful wife, Lady Fanwood.
Let's just say the Chief and I weren't amused at what transpired
in the 98-degree heat in beautiful Raljon, Md. Without further adieu,
here's a painful account of my descent into madness:
4:47 a.m. - I bolt awake and, citing a dream, predict a 55-14
Skins win.
5:38 a.m. - Lady Fanwood and I hit the Garden State Parkway.
7:07 a.m. - The Clara Barton Service Area has met the enemy
and it is us.
8:59 a.m. - Meet the Chief and Mother Guru in a Comfort Suites
parking lot. Near a trash-filled dumpster, several bums, in Cowboys
t-shirts, are bobbing for syringes.
10:24 a.m. - We arrive at the Big Jack. Guru revises prediction
for Skins win to 56-14.
10:26 a.m. - The first of several sandwiches meet their untimely
demise at my mangy hands.
1:01 p.m. - Denver kicks off as we sit down in section 421.
1:02 p.m. - Chief Redskins utters first mean-spirited obscenity.
I revise my prediction to 35-10, Broncos.
1:16 p.m. - Broncos take 7-0 lead on touchdown pass to Ed
McCaffrey, who is about as athletic as your average mailbox.
2:04 p.m. - Terry Allen scores, cutting deficit to 17-7.
Talk of Bowl begins in section 421.
2:26 p.m. - Halftime. Guru and Chief Redskin treated for
shock. Skins quarterback Trent Green treated for pigskin inhalation.
2:43 p.m. - Terrell Davis scores Denver's third touchdown.
2:57 p.m. - Howard Griffith scores Denver's fourth touchdown.
2:59 p.m. - Mass exodus begins with 7:23 remaining in the
third quarter.
3:05 p.m. - Chief Redskins begins "Fire Norv" chant. Three
yahoos one section over join in.
3:06 p.m. - Jack Kent Cooke Stadium head of security identifies
the Chief as a "loose cannon."
3:11 p.m. - Skins make first field goal in six tries. Chief
Redskin bursts into tears.
3:31 p.m. - Astros tie Cubs 1-1 in baseball season's 162nd
game.
3:38 p.m. - Skins score touchdown on 75-yard catch and run
by Michael Westbrook.
3:44 p.m. - Chief continues calls for Norv's head and requests
a megaphone for Christmas.
4:07 p.m. - Game ends. The Chief and I depart, arm and arm,
feeling like the biggest losers in the world - until we see some
lost soul in a Heath Shuler tee shirt. Baby H, we hardly knew ye,
my brother.
4:32 p.m. - Lady F and I pull onto 95 North, heading for
home and listening to my beloved Cubs on ESPN radio.
5:59 p.m. - Cubs lose to Astros in 11 innings, 4-3.
6:00 p.m. - Giants lose to Rockies on a Neifi Perez home
run. One-game Cubs-Giants playoff is set for Monday.
8:48 p.m.- Lady Fanwood and I arrive home, a mere 15 hours
after our journey began. Did I have fun on my annual trek to the
Big Jack? Of course I did. Then again, I also like root canals and
athlete's foot.
My friends, saying that the Skins are brutal is like saying
the Titanic took on a little water. I'm so disgusted that I refuse
to watch this team until...Sunday when they play Dallas. 12-4, anyone?
Skins, baby.
Week 4 record: 5-8-0
Season record: 15-24-2
Return to top
Miami (3-0) at New York Jets (1-2) Line: NYG -2 TV:
1:01 pm, CBS
This game is a tough one to call. Of course, judging by my record,
they're all tough to call. Both teams are well coached and had
two weeks to prepare, so don't be surprised if Jimmy Johnson and
Bill Parcells go deep into their bag of tricks.
Look for the Jets to lose when Parcells gets a little too cute (Is
that the first time "Parcells" and "cute" have
been used in the same sentence?) FISH
New York Giants (2-2) at Tampa Bay (1-3) Line: TB -3
TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
With a .500 record, this bad Giants team is tied for first in
the NFC East, making them the most laughable leader since B. Clinton
brought his twisted brand of government to the White House.
The Bucs have struggled after a nice playoff run in 1997. QB Trent
Dilfer hasn't turned the ball over but has been inconsistent and
DT Warren Sapp is about 20 pounds over last year's playing weight.
That said, Sapp is an inspiration to those fat men who don't
have the strength or stamina to rise from the couch on a Fall Sunday
afternoon. "Honey, it's me, the Guru. Can you fetch me some
of them snacks? I'm fixing to get hungry out here by the television.
And if I don't eat, I'm a gonna die." BUCS
San Francisco (3-0) at Buffalo (0-3) Line: SF -10
TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
The Niners have one of the league's most explosive offensives
with Steve Young and Garrison Hearst among the league leaders in
passing and rushing. They've outscored their opponents 112-60 in
their three games (aided and abetted by the Skins, who cried uncle
late in the second quarter of their 45-10 loss).
Meanwhile, the Bills have looked nothing short of horrendous, with
losses to the Chargers and Rams (at home!) among their three defeats.
Despite a nice relief performance by Doug Flutie in week one, Buffalo
is sticking with Rob Johnson at quarterback. Not even my good
friend Buffalo Jill, a crusty, cigar chompin' linebacker of
a woman who owns her own plumbing business, is optimistic under
these conditions. NINERS
Dallas (2-2) at Washington (0-4) Line: DAL -2 TV: 1:01
pm, Fox
The last time the Mighties started 0-4, I was an 11-year-old serial
bedwetter with aspirations of stealing Joanie from Chachi. Now,
I'm a 28-year-old husband with two jobs and different hopes and
dreams. As for the bedwetting thing, I have two words, my friends:
RUBBER SHEETS!
Each
of these teams lost in discouraging fashion last week with Dallas
blowing a game against the Raiders and the Skins serving as roadkill
for Denver. Before I make my prediction, I would like to say I
approach this game with absolutely no bias, even though Michael
Irvin is a criminal, Troy Aikman is overrated and, my sources tell
me, the silhouette of Tom Landry was spotted on the grassy knoll
in '63. SKINS, baby.
Dee-troit (1-3) at Chicago (0-4) Line: Pick 'em
TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
The Lions rallied around QB Charlie Batch to defeat Tampa in the
second-lowest rated game in Monday Night Football history. Honestly,
I haven't seen a batch this good since my lovin' wife, Lady Fanwood,
baked me a couple pans of Toll House last month. Those chocolate
chips are no joke, sports lovers.
The Bears have played well for parts of each of their games but
have done just enough to lose. It's certainly possible the Lions
will go on one of their patented hot streaks, but I wouldn't bet
the house on it. Latest Scott Mitchell sighting: The 6-foot-6
sometimes QB is now busing tables at a Pizza Hut in Terre Haute,
Ind. Stay away from the sharp objects, Scottie. BEARS
Carolina (0-3) at Atlanta (2-1) Line: ATL -3
TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
Three weeks into the Sean Gilbert Era, the Panthers are 0-3
and searching for answers to numerous questions. Has the team lost
the ability to win at home? Can Kerry Collins be consistent at quarterback?
Would the Redskins mind if we called a "do-over" on the
trade for Gilbert? As bad as the Mighties are, I'm just thankful
Sean isn't still in Washington, stealing oxygen from people
who deserve it.
The Falcons followed last year's impressive second half with two
wins before receiving their usual beating in San Francisco. In fact,
Atlanta has taken so many whippings in San Fran that Marv Albert
is jealous. Gotta like Dan Reeves' chances in this one. FALCONS
New England (2-1) at New Orleans (3-0) Line: NE -7
TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
I like the Patriots in this game for several reasons: 1) The
Saints are stranded in Indianapolis due to Hurricane Georges and
haven't been able to practice in New Orleans; 2) Pete Carroll &
Co. have had two weeks to prepare for the vaunted Danny Wuerffel-led
offense; and 3) the Pats always play well after my good man Tony
the Patriot has his back waxed and, my sources tell me, he had
about 22 pounds of hair removed from his gorilla-like body this
week.
I admire the work of Saints coach Mike Ditka, who has changed his
life to serve the Lord. Unfortunately, as Chief Redskin told me
after the Skins lost the 1983 Bowl to the Raiders, God doesn't
care about football (Because, if he did, the Mighties would
be 4-0, baby). PATS
San Diego (2-2) at Indianapolis (0-4) Line: IND -1
TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
This game is the long-anticipated matchup of the draft's top two
picks: Indy's Peyton Manning and San Diego's Ryan Leaf. Throw in
the added excitement of the storied Chargers-Colts rivalry and this
game should be more fun than a Hillary-less weekend at 1600 Pennsylvania
Avenue.
The Chargers defeated Buffalo and Tennessee, largely due to their
usually solid defense. Since then, they've wilted like Clinton's
character, even managing to make Danny Kanell look good. Manning
is improved but SD waxed Indy in the preseason and I wouldn't be
surprised to see the Chargers harass him again. (excerpt from Top
10 signs of bad prognosticating: #2 - using preseason results as
a guide. Bet the Chargers!) COLTS
Oakland (2-2) at Arizona (2-2) Line: ARIZ -2
TV: 4:15 pm, CBS
This game has all the makings of one of the great 2-0 contests
in NFL history. The defenses aren't bad but the offenses are worse
than a sandwich without sausage.
By the way, I haven't heard much from "genius" Bill
Walsh lately about Jake Plummer, a man he called the top quarterback
in the game. A warning to Mr. Walsh: withdrawal is usually
followed by fits of anger and the shakes. Actually, this Raiders
team might be just the cure for what ails Plummer and the Arizona
offense. Watch Oakland QB Jeff George's career record fall one more
league below .500. CARDS
Philadelphia (0-4) at Denver (4-0) Line: DEN -15
TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
At first glance, I thought this line was incorrect. Can the
Broncos be favored by only 15 points against Philly? Should the
number be 51? Actually, the soon to be 0-16 Eagles nearly won in
week four, blowing a late lead to KC. The Broncos had last Sunday
off and spent time sightseeing in the D.C. area.
This Birds team is worse than chronic halitosis but 15 points
is a lot for one NFL team to be favored over another. Discard the
fact that the Eagles aren't an NFL team. It's time for Philadelphians
to rise up and get excited about something besides another "Rocky"
movie. BIRDS
Seattle (3-1) at Kansas City (3-1) Line: KC -4
TV: 8:20 pm, ESPN
The Seahawks lost a tough one in Pittsburgh while the Chiefs
survived a scare in Philly (and I'm not talking about one of Geno's
famous cheesesteaks).
My friends, don't be fooled by the gaudy records of the AFC
West, who are merely beating up on the weak sisters of the NFC East
(especially the Skins and Birds) to the tune of a 7-2 mark. Much
to Seattle coach Dennis Erickson's chagrin, a new rule prohibits
teams from scheduling more than two games in one year against a
Norv Turner-coached team. A helpful hint when handicapping KC:
if Gannon is in the lineup, take the opponent. HAWKS
Minnesota (4-0) at Green Bay (4-0) Line: GB -7
TV: 8:20 pm MONDAY, ABC
The Vikings swagger into Lambeau with hopes of beating the Pack
and turning the NFC Central race on its ear. Don't bet on it.
Randy Moss & Co. are good but they're not that good.
Green Bay QB Brett Favre is still the best player in the game, especially
with Baby Heath injured in New Orleans. The crowd will be rockin'
in this one and I wouldn't be surprised to see the Packers to hang
about 35 points on Dennis Green's defense. Green, incidentally,
has been on his best behavior, as he usually defers to his wife
during football season and cuts back on his dating activities. PACK
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