|
Week 6: Birdbath
in Philly?
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru is primed and ready for
the biggest game of this or any year.
At 1:01 p.m. Sunday my Mighty Skins will meet the Philadelphia Eagles
in a dingy flophouse affectionally known as the Vet. Both teams
are winless, listless and hopeless, aimlessly captaining
the shipwreck that is the NFC East.
The Mighty Skins, picked by many to win the division, are the most
disappointing team in football. They put in another solid performance
Sunday - allowing just two Dallas running backs to surpass 100 yards
on the day.
Meanwhile, the Eagles stayed in their game with Denver until
the opening kick, and trailed just 41-2 late in the contest. I must
admit I was stunned when I saw that score as I watched the tube,
my Burgundy and Gold eyes welling with tears. How did the Birds
score, I wondered? Two-run homer by Scotty Rolen, I was told.
Phils, baby.
My spirits were buoyed slightly Monday when one of my favorite Philly
sports fans, Tommy Bird, predicted
the Skins will win by "at least two touchdowns." Of course,
T. Bird was drinking at 9:30 a.m. when he made this remark, so his
pick probably doesn't carry much weight. (Not unlike Ray Rhodes
on draft day, my friends).
As a sports fan, I just think it's a shame that one of these
teams will blemish an otherwise perfect record with an unsightly
victory. Then again, there's no law against scoreless ties.
Week 5 record: 4-8-0 (That's .333, good for third in the
NL batting race)
Season record: 19-32-2 (I feel a hot streak coming on...real
soon)
Norv T's record: 26-42-1 (Don't feel bad coach, it's only
my football team)
George's NCAA record: 28-36 (I swear I've never even met
the guy!) Click
here
Washington (0-5) at Philadelphia (0-5) Line: WSH -2 TV: 1:01
pm, Fox
Since the dawn of time, man has been witness to a multitude
of great battles. David vs Goliath, Kramer vs Kramer and Chief Redskin
vs Norv and the Raljon, Md., Police Department, to name a few. Now,
comes the greatest match: Birds vs Skins.
My friends, I'm not kidding myself. The Skins are a brutal, brutal
excuse for a football team. That said, I'd give my mother's liver
to win this ballgame (Sorry ma, just talkin' sports. No hard
feelings). If the Mighties should lose this one, I'd like to direct
my loyal readers to the living will I put in my safe deposit box
after last week's defeat to Dallas. SKINS, baby.
Carolina (0-4) at Dallas (3-2) Line: DAL -7 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
The only thing that makes me happier than a Dallas loss
is a short buffet line. Though my boys are 0-5, at least I can take
solace in the demise of Carolina and the effectiveness of one Sean
Gilbert, an ex-Skin.
Gilbert, you may recall, is the fellow who signed a 7-year, $47-million
contract in the offseason, making him the richest defender in NFL
history. He could not be a bigger thief if he pulled up to
the local Nationsbank in his Hummer, littered with Twinkies wrappers,
and robbed the teller at gunpoint. COWBOYS
San Francisco (3-1) at New Orleans (3-1) Line: SF -10 TV: 1:01 pm,
Fox
When's the last time the Niners played the Saints in a meaningful
game? Let's just say I was carrying a lunchbox to school
and riding my 10-speed in satin hotpants. Oh how I love to recall
my grad school days at NYU in the summer of '97.
The Saints nearly managed a stunning upset against New England
last week but the Pats won a 30-27 last-second decision. San
Fran is primed to rebound from an unbelievable loss at Buffalo,
where the Niners were flagged for 22 penalties. I haven't seen that
many whistles for "illegal use of hands" and "holding"
since I read the Starr report. SAINTS
Tennessee (1-3) at Baltimore (2-2) Line: BAL -4 TV: 1:01
pm, CBS
I'm still waiting for Eddie George and the rest of the Oilers
offense to bust loose, like a pus-filled zit on an oily-complexioned
college freshman. Is this the week Steve McNair, Yancey Thigpen
& Co. begin to show some cohesion?
Whenever I think of Baltimore I always think of my good buddy Raven
Ron, an under-educated, portly sort with an affinity
for all things pork. Once a fan of the "Cleveland Browns,"
(I'm told they played in the late 1950s) Ronnie now loves only
the Ravens, doing part-time duty as Art Modell's shoeshine boy.
RAVENS
Buffalo (1-3) at Indianapolis (1-4) Line: BUF -2 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
The Bills barely held on to defeat San Fran but they gained
some much-needed confidence in their first victory.
In the two quarters I saw, Bruce Smith was on Steve Young so
much that I thought the QB had hidden a T-bone in his pants
before kickoff.
The Colts and Peyton Manning earned their first win, beating Ryan
Leaf and San Diego, 17-12. Insomniacs who turned in for that contest
may want to check out Fox at 1:01 pm Sunday when the Birds and Skins
meet at the Vet. BILLS
Pittsburgh (3-1) at Cincinnati (1-3) Line: PIT -2 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
Words cannot describe how much I love the Steelers in
this ballgame, which is rife with mismatches.
The Steelers have the best coach in Bill Cowher, a top-flight running
back in the Bus, Jerome Bettis, and a solid defense. Cincinnati
has a quarterback, Neil O'Donnell, who lost his job to Glenn Foley;
a coach, Bruce Coslet, who can't motivate his team; and a chili,
Skyline, that is responsible for about one-third of the world's
Pepto Bismol consumption. STEELERS
Kansas City (4-1) at New England (3-1) Line: NE -3 TV: 1:01 pm,
CBS
After last week's rain-marred victory against Seattle, the
Chiefs will be glad to hit the road. New England tight end Ben
Coates, recently arrested for assault, is glad to hit anyone,
especially a defenseless woman.
KC's Elvis Grbac returns from an injury to start at quarterback
but Chiefs fans can take comfort in the fact that he'll be hurt
soon.This isn't a good move against the Patriots defense, one of
the league's best. I thought Marty Schottenheimer liked to save
his bad moves for the playoffs. PATS
Chicago (1-4) at Arizona (2-3) Line: ARZ -3 TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
The Bears finally entered the win column with last week's
win against Dee-troit. Arizona had a chance to remain tied for first
in the NFC East but blew a lead to Oakland. That ain't easy,
sports lovers.
Cards QB Jake Plummer showed a lot of promise in 1997 but has struggled
this season, not unlike the faceless man who makes the Guru's
weekly picks. Sooner or later I'll have to predict the games
myself. I mean the guy chooses Washington every week - what is he
thinking? CARDS
Denver (5-0) at Seattle (3-2) Line: None TV: 4:15 pm, CBS
This contest features two teams that pulled out a tall
can of whoopass on the Skins this season. Elway is expected
to start for the Broncos but the Seahawks may be without Warren
Moon and Rickey Watters.
When I think of Seattle, I recall spending my honeymoon Sunday
in that city's version of a sports bar, looking on in horror as
fellow patrons drank java and read The Economist. As Bam Morris
shredded the Skins like a fine blend of Parmesan and Romano, I screamed
at the TV like a man possessed, offering all I owned for a victory
that never came. BRONCOS
San Diego (2-3) at Oakland (3-2) Line: None TV: 4:15 pm, CBS
Mark my words: the Raiders will roll like Dom Deluise
on a downhill slant, even though Jeff George and Napolean Kaufman
are questionable. You've really got to credit rookie coach Jon Gruden
for rallying the troops after the week one debacle at Kansas City.
Pity the Chargers. If the career of San Diego rookie QB Ryan Leaf
continues to regress at this rate, I expect to see him on "Hollywood
Squares" by Jan. 1, called on to block a potential tic-tac-toe
between Morgan Fairchild and Vanilla Ice. RAIDERS
New York Jets (2-2) at St. Louis (1-3) Line: NYG -3 TV: 4:15
pm, CBS
The Jets notched a big win against Miami, holding a brittle
Dan Marino to about 100 yards passing. This week's game presents
The Tuna & Co. with a great chance to improve to 3-2.
You'd like to think the bye week allowed the Rams to spend more
time preparing for New York but the 80-ish St. Louis coaching
staff probably spent most of its time napping and shopping for
prunes. Incidentally, pitted is the only way to fly, or so I've
heard. JETS
Atlanta (3-1) at New York Giants (2-3) Line: NYG -2 TV:
8:20 pm, ESPN
Former Giants coach Dan Reeves returns to the scene of some
of his greatest failures. The Falcons, however, are anything but
disappointing, with 10 wins in their last 13 games.
A local article this week compared the Giants 1997 offense, with
Dave Brown, to
this year's version, with Danny Kanell. My friends, that's
like comparing dog dirt to bird excrement. Without their defense,
New York would be in the same boat (probably the Titanic) as the
Birds and Skins. GIANTS
MONDAY
Miami (3-1) at Jacksonville (4-0) Line: JAX -6 TV: 8:20 pm, ABC
After an ugly loss to the Jets, Miami faces a tough contest
against a well-rested Jacksonville team. Watching Dan Marino
was sad, as the once-proud warrior flailed away aimlessly, not
unlike the Guru trying to write this column.
Miami will probably make it a game but the Jaguars' Tom Coughlin
is too good of a coach to lose this kind of contest at home. Looks
like another rough Sunday night for Fishboy,
who spent last weekend crying in the Meadowlands parking lot, depressed
by the tough loss and a brush-off from Marino. JAGUARS
Return to top
Previous Crystal Balls
Preview Week
2 Week 3 Week
4 Week 5
Click here
for Saturday Selections, George's weekly college football
picks
|
