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Week 9: Skins,
anyone?
By Randy Williams
My friends,
the Guru returns apologetically
from two weeks of battling an illness of unknown origin.
While I was on hiatus, I received many cards wishing me well and
a return to work. Well, I'm not quite up to doing my job, but the
Ball I can handle.
One of the most touching greetings I received was an e-mail from
Raljon, Md. The message read "Mr. Guru, I'm very sorry
to hear of your recent health troubles. As a great sports fan and
a truly patriotic American, I hope your condition won't keep you
from coming to my corner of the world and discussing a soon-to-be-available
position within my organization. I thank you for your consideration
and wish you well in making a complete recovery. Sincerely, mrcooke@redskins.com."
I spent most of the Skins' bye week with my wife, the lovely Lady
Fanwood, in an attempt to forget the horrors of the 1998
season. Saturday we journeyed to a pumpkin patch and Sunday she
took me a movie, Beloved.
I know what you're thinking, my friends. How can Le
Guru, a long-time pillar of manhood, go to see Beloved,
a serious chick flick? The answer is quite simple, sports lovers
- I was tricked by Lady F., who told me that the film was
about Coach Gibbs. Judging by the title, how could I have doubted
her? After all, the man did win the Bowl with three different QBs.
Despite the inexcusable appearance at the Sony Theatres - Mountainside,
I managed my first winning week of this football season, posting
a sterling 9-3 mark. With a couple more hot weeks, I'll edge near
mediocrity. My father, the inimitable
Chief Redskin,
must be proud.
Week 8 record: 9-3-0 (En fuego, my friends)
Season record: 34-42-3 (Norv's a little envious, methinks)
Norv T's record: 26-44-1 (That 26 looks awfully familiar.)
George's NCAA record: 51-62-1 (Click
for Saturday Selections, if you dare)
Here's a peek at some of this week's picks. To read game previews,
just click and enjoy! Then, tell the Guru
what you think of his selections at AQB's Speak
Out board.
Giants (-2) at Redskins: Is there anyone
who doesn't love the Skins in this one?
Jets (+5) at Chiefs:
Parcells in uphill battle vs Chiefs, calorie-filled KC barbecue.
Broncos (-11) at Bengals: Denver's first
defeat not likely to happen here.
Dolphins (pick 'em) at
Bills: Fish defense, Flutie imagination a great matchup.
Vikings (-6) at Buccaneers: Will jugbutt
Warren Sapp ever shut up?
Jaguars (-3) at Ravens:
Baltimore may be ready to spring a big upset.
Patriots (-6) at Colts: Indy prepares
for return of one-time Colts QB Scott Zolak.
Saints
(+3) at Panthers: Butterball Sean Gilbert is 2-14
in his last 16 games.
Cards (-6) at Lions: Loser defined -
A fan interested in this ballgame.
Oilers
(-6) at Steelers: Unlike Jimmy Johnson's hair, Tennessee
needs to gel.
Rams
(no line) at Falcons:
St. Louis coach Vermeil aging like a fine prune.
Niners (+3) at Packers:
Favre vs Young; Oktoberfest vs PRIDE rallies.
Raiders (+6) at Seahawks: Gruden, Erickson
compare house arrest bracelets.
Cowboys (-6) at Eagles:
Philly fans yearn for return of Swamp Fox Campbell.
New York Giants (3-4) at
Washington (0-7) Line: NY -2 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
In 28 years of watching football, I've seldom seen an outfit
more pathetic than these not-so mighty Skins. Thankfully, the
1998 Giants are such a team. I know what you're saying: "Guru,
O Splendid One, the Giants have won three games and the Skins have
been outscored 227-93 in just seven weeks."
Don't be fooled by the brilliance of one Norv Turner, who
is merely setting the table for an 8-1 run that will find the Mighty
Skins atop the NFC East at year end with a fine 8-8 record. It can
happen, my friends. And I've got a shiny nickel that says I'll be
dancin' come Monday. SKINS (Speak
Out)
New York Jets (4-3) at Kansas City (4-3)
Line: KC -5 TV: 4:15 pm, CBS
These teams appear to be headed in opposite directions. The
Jets have won four of five games behind Vinnie T. and a pile of
marshmallows named Parcells while KC has lost consecutive games
to New England and Pittsburgh.
Incidentally Monday night's game showed that the Chiefs' Elvis
Grbac and Pittsburgh's Kordell Stewart are two of the league's worst
quarterbacks. Mr. Grbac completed 13 of 36 passes while Stewart
threw for 82 yards. Yes, eighty-two! After watching these guys,
I went to sleep thankful my team has the two-headed quarterbacking
manster of Green & Frerotte (that's right, manster - 50% man,
50% monster, 0% NFL-caliber signalcaller).
Still, despite the surprising ineptitude of Grbac, I can't imagine
KC losing three straight. CHIEFS (Speak
Out)
Denver (7-0) at Cincinnati (2-5) Line: DEN -11
TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
Denver's Terrell Davis has rushed for 1,000 yards in just seven
games and is the best player in the NFL. Period. This week he faces
a young but talented Cincy defense that is experiencing typical
growing pains - blown coverages, missed tackles and chronic bedwetting
(Oops, I guess that last one is actually from my own adolescent
experiences. Those college years were tough).
I expect the Broncos to do what it takes to win this game but I
don't think they'll cover. A youthful, emotional team like the Bengals
can give a veteran squad like Denver all they can handle. Remember
Jeff Blake's debut in Cincy, when he and the Cats nearly upset Dallas
four years ago? BENGALS (Speak
Out)
Miami (5-2) at Buffalo (4-3) Line: Pick 'em
TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
Behind QB Doug Flutie, the revived Bills are the AFC's hottest
team outside of Denver. It seems like yesterday that Flutie, wearing
7/8-inch lifts in both shoes, shocked the football world by passing
Boston College by Miami.
This week's game matches Flutie, an extremely mobile quarterback,
against legendary Dan Marino, who moves with the speed and fluidity
of a glacier with osteoporosis. Marino is still a good quarterback
but Flutie has energized the entire league with his spunk...his
flair...his lack of height. Miami's Jimmy Johnson will concoct an
intricate scheme to stop Buffalo, but Flutie will find a way to
win. BILLS (Speak Out)
Minnesota (7-0) at Tampa Bay (3-4) Line: MIN
-6 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
Tony Dungy's Bucs are among the league's greatest disappointments.
Picked to win the NFC Central by many prognosticators after last
year's playoff run, they've scored just 94 points in 7 games. In
fairness, it should be noted that Tampa hasn't had the chance to
rack up points against the Skins, who they play in week 16.
Their offense is horrible but the Bucs' biggest problem may be
blubberbutt DT Warren Sapp, who spent all last week mouthing
off about new Saints QB Kerry Collins instead of preparing properly
for the game. Sapp had a great year in 1997 but he's been mediocre
this year and the 20 extra pounds he's carrying could be hurting
his play more than he thinks. Drop a few lbs, Warren, it can
only help. Lord knows my walks from the couch to the kitchen
(and even the commode) have gotten easier since I disciplined myself.
BUCS (Speak Out)
Jacksonville (5-2) at Baltimore (2-5) Line:
JAX - 3 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
The Jaguars are stumbling after a 5-0 start, losing consecutive
games at Buffalo and Denver. The defensive-minded Ravens have
struggled ever since a wonderful man named Art Modell rescued the
club from a stenchbucket known as Cleveland.
Speaking of the Mistake by the Lake, you know you're a pockmark
on the face of decent society when your sole claim to fame is "The
Drew Carey Show." (Then again, that Mimi is one hot tamale.)
judging by the competitive games they played against Jacksonville
last year, I expect the Ravens to hang tough for the first three
quarter. In the end, Mark Brunell's talent will make the difference.
JAGUARS (Speak Out)
New England (4-3) at Indianapolis (1-6) Line:
NE -6 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
This is a must win for the Pats, who haven't been the same since
Bill Parcells elected to work in a city where, not coincidentally,
hot dog carts outnumber people 2-1. Indy and rookie QB Peyton Manning
looked wonderful in their latest game, a tough 34-31 loss to San
Fran.
If New England loses and Miami beats Buffalo, the Patriots can
kiss their AFC East title chances goodbye. Look for Drew Bledsoe
to step it up for the battered New Englanders, who signed ex-Skins
star WR Henry Ellard to bolster their ailing receiving corps. I'm
glad Washington didn't retain future Hall of Famer Ellard, his consistency
and production would have hurt our push for a top draft pick. PATS
(Speak Out)
New Orleans (4-3) at Carolina (0-7) Line:
CAR -3 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
Talk about a lack of respect - Mike Ditka's Saints are underdogs
against the 47-million-dollar man, Sean Gilbert, and the winless
Carolina Panthers. But, the top storyline for this game is the
return of New Orleans QB Kerry Collins to his former home.
Collins jumped ship on his teammates three weeks ago, telling head
coach Dom Capers he'd lost his desire for the game. Ditka, the NFL's
cigar-chompin' version of Father Flanagan, gladly took him in, explaining
that the Saints weren't good enough to turn down a talent like Collins.
Collins isn't expected to start to may appear if Billy Joe Tolliver
struggles.
Unofficially, the Saints have set an NFL record by using two
quarterbacks named Billy Joe in the same season. Starter Billy
Joe Hobert was lost for the year after being injured in the opener.
SAINTS (Speak Out)
Arizona (3-4) at Dee-troit (2-5) Line: DET
-6 TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
This contest features two of the NFL's top young quarterbacks
- Arizona's Jake Plummer and Detroit's Charlie Batch. In particular,
Batch has done a fine job, aided by the presence of high-profile
rookie QBs Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf. You heard it here first
- Batch has a shot to be the best Detroit product since the Plymouth
Reliant. Man oh man - what a car!
As most NFL contests, this game will be decided at the line of scrimmage
and, my friends, Arizona's offensive line is atrocious. I
haven't played a down in six years - and haven't seen my feet in
five - but would no problem stepping onto the field and doing a
better job than most of the stiffs employed by the Cardinals. Their
putrid performance sickened me so much that I was forced to quadruple
my burrito intake to conceal my pain. "Honey, hit me with a
beef and bean - on the double." LIONS (Speak
Out)
Tennessee (3-4) at Pittsburgh (5-2) Line:
PIT -6 TV: 1:01 pm, CBS
Last week's Pittsburgh win at Kansas City was a perfect example
of why Bill Cowher is the best NFL coach since a wizard named
Gibbs patrolled the sidelines at RFK.
The Steelers have struggled all season, particularly at quarterback,
but great special teams play and an outstanding defense keyed the
victory over a highly overrated KC team. Seeing an emotional Cowher
do all he can to motivate his troops and will them to victory is
a beautiful thing to watch.
As for Pittsburgh's QB situation, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention
that Kordell Stewart has a weaker arm than my Grandma. Yes,
Gram used to have quite a gun but now your aged right arm is best
used for grabbing ahold of her cane and poking the family pooch
to see if it's still alive. STEELERS (Speak
Out)
St. Louis (2-5) at Atlanta (5-2) Line: None
TV: 1:01 pm, Fox
Rams coach Dick Vermeil encountered more problems this week
when rookie linebacker Leonard Little was charged with vehicle manslaughter
while driving drunk. I'm no lawyer but I think the part about Little
being hammered when he killed another driver isn't going to help
his case.
Meanwhile, Dan Reeves is thriving in down South with one of the
most surprising clubs in the league. In fact I'll even admit that
I'm jealous of the former Broncos and Giants coach. Is it wrong
to envy a man who lives in a town where the Krispy Kreme doughnut
drive-thru is a way of life. "We just got an order for
10 dozen glazed and the caller said he'd be here to pick 'em up
in five minutes in his K car." FALCONS (Speak
Out)
San Francisco (6-1) at Green Bay (5-2) Line:
GB -3 TV: 4:15 pm, Fox
The Packers have ended the Niners' season in each of the past
two years. Both teams enter this week with a head of steam, with
each posting 28-10 wins last Sunday. Despite the emergence of Minnesota,
these teams are still the class of the NFC.
San Fran hasn't proven it can beat the Packers, particularly
at Lambeau, where Green Bay is dominant. I wouldn't be surprised
if the Niners won but truly expect the Pack to extend San Fran's
misery in Wisconsin.
My misery in the Dairy State is confined to a 1993 trip when
Chief Redskin, my sister, Miss
Sixpoints, and I went to Milwaukee to watch my good man
Hersey Hawkins aka The Hawk light up the Bucks.
Unfortunately, I overdosed on bratwurst and a doctor at a nearby
table was forced to perform an ESR - Emergency Sausage Removal.
Dear sweet sausage - you try to take my life and still I adore you.
PACKERS (Speak Out)
Oakland (5-2) at Seattle (4-3) Line: SEA
-6 TV: 8:20 pm, ESPN
The Raiders are truly the league's biggest surprise. Who'd have
guessed they'd rebound from their tough week one loss at KC to claim
sole possession of second place in the AFC West.
Unfortunately, rookie head coach Jon Gruden got a little carried
away celebrating a recent win and the local police arrested him
and charged him with driving under the influence. His kindred spirit
will be patrolling the other sideline in the person of Dennis Erickson,
a big fan of drinking (a case) and driving (like an idiot). Hey
guys, what's wrong with the bus? It's cheap, it's fast and it's
dependable, kind of like a tryst with Clinton.
I like the way Oakland is playing but Seattle will be way too much
for them this Sunday. SEAHAWKS (Speak
Out)
MONDAY NIGHT
Dallas (4-3) at Philadelphia (1-6) Line: DAL -6 TV: 8:20 pm,
ABC
My friends, it doesn't get any better than this - Dallas
vs Philly. Sin vs Evil. Sodom vs Gomorrah. Aikman vs Peete.
The Cowboys aren't good but the Eagles are simply horrible,
managing only to beat the Skins on a referee-aided fluke. In fact,
the performance of these Birds has Philly fans aiking for the
return of one Marion "Swamp Fox" Campbell, one of
the worst coaches in NFL history.
During tours of duty with the Eagles and Falcons (twice!), the Swamp
Fox did everything but win, consistently guiding his teams to last-place
finishes. Marion, Ray Rhodes has cleaned out his locker and you're
needed at the Vet.
My good friend Tommy Bird, a
die-hard Philadelphia sports fan, recently told me that he spent
his youth terrified that the Swamp Fox was under his bed, waiting
to devour him like a sports version of the Boogeyman. That much
said, I love the Birds in this week's game. EAGLES (Speak
Out)
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