Crystal Ball

WEEK FIFTEEN CRYSTAL BALL – PART ONE: GURU Sees Surprise Destination for Cousins

My friends, THE GURU is an optimistic sort, a guy who prefers to look forward rather than backward. And that’s as true with my football team as it is with my next meal.

In that vein, I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about the most likely landing spots for one Kirk Daniel Cousins. I can’t imagine that he’ll stay in DC and, if I were in his shoes, neither would I. The Skins have been too dysfunctional for too long while treating Kirk like a fourth-round draft pick instead of what he is: an outstanding quarterback who will, I believe, eventually lead a team to Super Bowl victory.

Of course, there are many quarterback-needy teams who will be on the market come season end, with plenty of cash to spend. Here’s my thoughts on where Monsieur Cousins might end up, in alphabetical order, with each team’s projected salary cap availability in parentheses:

FAVORITES

Arizona ($25 mln) – Quarterback issues have made the Cardinals perennial bridesmaids since Bruce Arians came to town though it isn’t his fault. The coach may not be staying but one could imagine a high-quality QB making an enormous difference in this team right away.

Cleveland ($117 mln) – The Browns don’t seem to think that Deshone Kizer is the answer. And, if he is, what in the world is the question?

Denver ($33 mln) – Elway has made bold QB moves before. Would he clear cap space to get a starting signalcaller for the next 8-10 years? Remember that he is tight with Mike Shanahan and Shanny loves him some Kirk. You must imagine that he’d recommend #8 highly.

Jacksonville ($30 mln) – Blake Bortles is playing the best ball of his career, but will it continue or careen off a cliff, a la when FATBACK HOBBS, trying to play wide receiver, stepped off a cul-de-sac curb and shattered his ankle in the mid-2000s?

New York Jets ($83 mln) – The Jets have the cash, but can they lure KC to the Big Apple? If so, I’m ready to be a world-class stalker.

DARK HORSES

Cincinnati ($38 mln) – It’s hard to imagine Andy Dalton getting much more rope from management. Would the Bengals take someone groomed by their former offensive coordinator (Gruden)?

New York Giants ($27 mln) – Kirk playing for the Jints could make BROTHER BLUENIK and VIGGY fans again while simultaneously sending yours truly and THE CHIEF into an unprecedented spiral of football depression.

San Francisco ($117 mln) – It looks like Jimmy G. has solidified his role in SF with a couple of nice wins of late, so this seems like an extreme dark horse. But maybe SF and DC get together for a trade of the two QBs? I vote “no” – always be wary of anyone Belichick lets walk.

Washington ($54 mln) – The darkest of dark horses. Stranger things have happened but methinks there is no amount of money that’d keep Kirk in DC.

AND THE WINNER WILL BE…

None of the above, sports fans. At the end of the day, Kirk will wind up in THE CHIEF’s basement, “Celtic Pride” style, playing the role of Damon Wayans. My pops loves Cousins. Loves. Him. So, if you think he’s going to let him go to another team and haunt the old man’s football dreams, you’re out of your mind.

Besides, Kirk will be just fine locked safely downstairs. Since the Y2K scare, THE CHIEF and MRS BRAVE have had shelves loaded with oodles of salty snacks. Plus, there are plenty of board games, a rarely used treadmill and a NordicTrack functioning as a clothesline. Cousins will get by just fine and, when my old man passes away and is sent to the taxidermist per his last will and testament, the two of them will live in bliss together in the basement. Until the end of time.

 

The Week Fourteen record was 7-9, moving the season mark to 110-73 (.601). On to the Thursday night game, with the remaining 15 predictions hitting your inbox over the weekend…

 

THURSDAY

8:25 PM, NBC, NFL NETWORK

Denver (4-9) at Indianapolis (3-10). This is the kind of stinker you’d expect after a week-long baked beans binge. Two lost teams fighting to get through the season with Elway counting the minutes until he can bring Cousins to the Mile High City. Take the home team but you don’t have to like it. COLTS, 29-25.

That’s it until this weekend’s picks, folks. Enjoy tonight’s game and God bless!

 

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