Week 6 Crystal Ball: Tailgating 101

GURU discusses how to handle your most important football activity

My friends, THE GURU is here to talk turkey. Yup, turkey, beef, chips, salsa, and anything else you may find at your local football tailgate.

Come Thursday afternoon in the Windy City, I’ll find myself at one of these delightful celebrations as my Commanders face the Bears at Soldier Field. Given the Chicago franchise’s plans to move to suburban Arlington Heights, Ill., this week’s ballgame is likely to be my last trip to this unsightly edifice, so I plan to make it a good one.

Though I’ve long felt about the Bears as I do about persistent skin rashes, this planned flight for the burbs disappoints me and it signals the end of a football era in this fine city. The Monsters of the Midway are headed to the suburbs.

But, while the Bears’ 50-year run at Soldier Field appears to be coming to an end, the tradition of tailgating is alive and kicking. And you can bet it’ll be in full swing come late Thursday afternoon.

Now, some would say there’s many ways to do a tailgate and, while that’s true, there are several important questions that must be answered correctly before you began to feast in a stadium parking lot.

1. How early should I arrive?
   
   As early as humanly possible. Put it this way: if you’re not there when the parking lot opens, do you really want to be there?   
   
   Tailgates, you see, are like marriages: the set-up is what leads to success. When it comes to nuptials, e.g., it’s critical to be genuine before saying “I do,” rather than pretending to be someone else as you woo your mate.
   
   Case in point: I’ve got pals who acted like they weren’t into sports as they were romancing their future wives and that’s led to lives sadly devoid of watching and attending football games and the like. Can you imagine?
   
   In contrast - and out of fear - yours truly took a different approach with THE FAIR CLAUDINE, sharing the news of my football jones from jump street. She was receptive and it’s been smooth(ish) sailing ever since.
   
   So, as it goes in relationships, it goes with tailgating. You must take the set-up very seriously. And that means arriving early.
   
   How early? Well, ideally, a pregame ‘gate lasts a good two to three hours - or more.
   
   First, you arrive and find the perfect parking spot. This is critical and, from my experience, could take anywhere from two to 45 minutes as one strives to find the ideal location that considers a) social interaction and b) how easily one can exit the lot from their assumed position.
   
   Next, you unpack your gear. Tables, chairs, grills, photos of adored football figures like COACH FRED or late Washington owner Jack Kent Cooke. Suitable music or sports radio should be audible in the background, mixing with giggles of delight and anticipation. You know, like before you get married.
   
   

   

   With two legends - Jack Kent Cooke and FATBACK HOBBS, circa mid-1990s

   
   Then, it’s time to lay the groundwork for the feast. Fire up that cooking surface and grab a pack of hot dogs while eating a doughnut or two to whet your appetite. Snag something to drink and thank God for the glorious tailgate that awaits.
   
   On the flip side, if you arrive late, you likely don’t find an ideal parking spot and the timing of the entire event is thrown off. And that means you’re likely better off at that botanical garden you escaped to come to the game.
   

2. Dress for the occasion.
   
   Like a hillbilly wedding, a tailgate is no place for formality. No suits, no ties, no ascots, no dress shoes, no khakis. A sweater? Yes, if you’re attending a funeral directly afterwards.
   
   Instead, throw on some jeans, wear a t-shirt or sweatshirt, preferably something your spouse has long been plotting to toss in the trash, and you’re on your way. And no skin-tight jerseys either.
   
   From time to time, I still have flashbacks of BROTHER BLUENIK, an otherwise great American, wearing a Danny Kanell jersey that looked like it was painted on by the good folks at Sherwin-Williams. If Kanell had pressed charges, he would’ve had a slam-dunk case.
   

3. Focus on the food.
   
   Yes, we’ve saved the most important item for last. Some will argue that beverages are more important but, while I enjoy a drink or two at a tailgate, the food is the centerpiece of any tailgate done correctly.
   
   There are really only two major food rules when it comes to tailgating: a) always bring far more grub than you think you need and b) don’t even think about Brie.

On to last week’s picks as I went 8-8 once again, leaving the season mark at 40-40 after five weeks. Of course, to no one’s surprise, THE BLINDFOLDED BUFFOON won as many games as yours truly, debuting with eight victories.

As for Thursday’s game, I’m riding with the Commanders, led by their stout defensive line and a few timely plays from Carson Wentz and the offense. And, if I turn out to be wrong, I’ll immerse myself in late-night comfort food in that Soldier Field Parking lot. Hey, come to think of it, I’ll do that anyway.

Below are the picks. Enjoy your football weekend and I’ll be back in touch next week. God bless!