Week Three Crystal Ball - Weekend
Commies prepare to make rare MNF appearance
My friends, THE GURU is in foreign territory, like BROTHER BLUENIK at a Jets game or MEATHEAD MIKE1 leading an etiquette seminar.
Indeed, My Beloved Commies find themselves on Monday Night Football this week, an event that used to be commonplace for the franchise but now happens as often as I inquire, “What are your vegan options?”
How rare is Monday night’s tilt for MBC (1-1, 0-1 away) at Cincinnati (0-2, 0-1 home)? Well, they’ve only played two Monday nighters in the 2020s and I’m not counting the pending game in case the powers-that-be at ABC/ESPN change course and opt to televise a “Celebrity Family Feud” rerun instead.
Putting it in perspective, only three franchises have played fewer MNF games this decade2 than MBC: Carolina, Houston and Miami, each with one appearance. Yep, it’s safe to say that the MNF folks learned their mistake of featuring the Commies frequently during the earlier days of the Daniel Snyder era3.
Sure, this is a different team and a different era under Josh Harris and Mighty Dan Quinn but, let’s be honest, we’re still in full rebuild mode. A football team, like a great sandwich4, takes time to build.
With that backdrop, it’s tough to see my guys springing an upset on the road against a healthy Joe Burrow. I think my man Brian Robinson runs for good yardage against the leaky Bengals’ rushing defense but doubt it’ll be enough. I’m calling it for Cincy, 33-23. Catch the action at 8:20 pm tomorrow on ABC and ESPN+.
One last note: the season mark is 18-15 (.545) after the Jets’ decisive win against New England. On to the games…
SUNDAY, 1 PM ET — FOX
Host Cleveland (1-1, 0-1 home) takes down the Giants (0-2, 0-1 away) in a matchup of teams that first battled one another in 1950.
That season was the Browns maiden voyage in the NFL after years of dominating the All-America Football Conference (AAFC) and they played the Jints three times. New York took the first two games before Cleveland got revenge in the first round of the postseason, winning 8-3 behind Hall of Fame kicker - and offensive tackle! - Lou “The Toe” Groza…
…the Packers (1-1, 0-1 away) get a win in Tennessee (0-2, 0-1 home) behind a backup QB who happens to be a former Titan. That’s what I’m talkin’ about, (Malik) Willis!…
…Tampa (2-0, 1-0 home) tops visiting Denver (0-2, 0-1 away) to remain undefeated. Simply, I like the cut of the Bucs’ collective jib and think they’ll have their way with a Denver team still struggling to find its sea legs under Sean Payton. Let’s say Tampa, 29-17…
…New Orleans (2-0, 1-0 home) marches to a win over Philly (1-1, 0-0 away) in the Big Easy.
Like my call for a Saints’ victory last week at Dallas, this feels like wishful thinking on my part, but Dennis Allen & Co. are hot so I’m going to ride this thoroughbred until it crashes like a Pinto.
SUNDAY, 1 PM ET — CBS
Chicago (1-1, 0-1 away) gets a victory in Indy (0-2, 0-1 home) as Coach Matt Eberflus makes a triumphant return to the city where he was offensive coordinator from 2018-21…
…Minnesota (2-0, 1-0 home) stays perfect, beating visiting Houston (2-0, 1-0 away).
Folks who are amazed at what Sam Darnold has done in the season’s first two weeks need to remember one thing: he was drafted third overall in 2018 for a reason. He is physically skilled and, to boot, it’s a safe bet he learned a lot during the 2023 season with the Niners under Kyle Shanahan & Co…
…the Chargers (2-0, 1-0 away) get a big road win in Pittsburgh (2-0, 0-0 home) in a rematch of the 1994 AFC Championship game.
San Diego won that contest to earn the right to get thumped by San Francisco in Super Bowl XXIX. The game’s penultimate play was linebacker Dennis Gibson’s goal-line deflection of a Neil O’Donnell pass to preserve the Chargers’ only AFC ring.
SUNDAY, 4:05 PM ET — CBS
Carolina (0-2, 0-1 away) loses in Vegas (0-2, 0-1 away) but shows signs of life under veteran quarterback Andy Dalton.
The Red Rifle has defined the term “travelin’ man” since his nine-year run as Cincy’s starter ended in 2019. Since then, he’s started 30 regular-season games in Dallas (nine in 2020), Chicago (six in 2021), New Orleans (14 in 2022) and Carolina (one in 2023).
How long has Dalton been around? Well, he finished second in Offensive Rookie of the Year voting in 2011 to the great Cam Newton, who won his last NFL game in 2020 and hasn’t taken a snap since 2021. He’s also got 163 starts to his credit and, of this sitting, is 26th all-time - as in ever - in career passing yards5 and 41st in wins.
Miami (1-1, 0-0 away) falls to host Seattle (2-0, 1-0 home) with QB Skylar Thompson making his fourth career start and first since the 2022 postseason.
Sadly, each Thompson outing has been in relief of a concussed Tua Tagovailoa, who suffered at least his third such injury last week. More on that tragic situation to come as we navigate the 2024 campaign.
SUNDAY, 4:25 PM ET — FOX
Baltimore (0-2, 0-1 away) gets victory #1 in Dallas (1-1, 0-1 home).
If it’s true that the more desperate team always wins, this is a legit toss-up. Of course, it doesn’t get tougher than starting 0-3 as only six such teams have managed to reach the playoffs6. And only one, the 1992 Chargers, won a postseason contest.
The Cowboys had their way with Cleveland in Week One, but they weren’t ready for the Saints in Big D last Sunday. And there’s no reason to think they’ll be prepared for Lamar Jackson today…
...the Rams (0-2, 0-0 home) remain winless, losing to San Fran (1-1, 0-1 away) in LA. The hosts are a wounded animal and the Niners have their rival’s number, with seven wins in the last nine matchups. Methinks no George Kittle still equals no problem for SF.
As for LA, how hard is it to win in the NFL? Since winning Super Bowl LVI over Cincinnati, coach Sean McVay’s Rams are 15-21 with no playoff wins.
Dee-troit (1-1, 0-0 away) topples Arizona (1-1, 0-0 away) in the desert.
Yes, the Cards have looked tough the first two weeks, but I see the Lions rebounding quickly after last week’s painful home defeat to Tampa. Resiliency is a trademark of Dan Campbell’s squad.
SUNDAY, 8:20 PM ET — NBC/PEACOCK
Atlanta (1-1, 0-1 away) upsets the Chiefs (2-0, 0-0 away) in the ATL.
This is another huge test for the Falcons after traveling to Philly and upsetting the Eagles last Monday night. Kirk Cousins will need to spread the ball around and the Atlanta defense must step up for the second week in a row.
Keep an eye on Falcons’ safety Jessie Bates III, who had 12 tackles and an interception vs. the Iggles.
MONDAY, 7:30 PM ET — ESPN/ABC/ESPN+
Buffalo (2-0, 1-0 home) beats visiting Jacksonville (0-2, 0-1 away) in a meeting of teams once led by both Doug Marrone and Mike Mularkey. How’s that for distinction?
I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Jags win, but it’ll be difficult. The Bills are 28-7 (.800) in regular-season home games since 20207 and I think this year’s team might be Sean McDermott’s best yet.
That’s all for this week, folks. Enjoy the games and God bless!
Formerly known as OBNOXIOUS MIKE but since reformed. The head, however, remains 100% meat. It’s an 80-15 blend of ground chuck and sirloin with 5% pork for good measure.
The Jets are tied with Washington with two games, including this year’s season-opening defeat to the Niners.
The team played on MNF 26 times from 2006-2019, recording a winning percentage of .346, fifth worst in the league.
Get the right bread first - preferably crusty on the outside, chewy on the inside - and take it from there.
Dalton is seventh in career passing yards amongst active QBs, trailing Messrs. Rodgers (ninth), Stafford (11th), Flacco (18th), Wilson (19th), Cousins (24th) and Carr (25th).
Since 1979. The list: the 1981 Jets, 1982 Bucs, 1992 Chargers, 1995 Lions, 1998 Bills and 2018 Texans.
Great picture of Bluenik. Go Giants!