Week Two Crystal Ball - Weekend: A Chat with Pops
Week Two Crystal Ball - Weekend: A Chat with Pops
Behold the Quarterback Carousel
My friends, the season is young, but THE GURU’s head is already spinning like a top. And that goes for my pops, THE CHIEF, as well.
The old man and I caught up on the phone the other day and, I gotta tell ya, it was exhausting for both of us.
“Hey son, I see the Bears drafted a quarterback who paints his fingernails and carries a purse. Is that right?”
“Yeah, he needs a big bag to carry all of his loot and his nail polish. He’s got a guaranteed contract for $40 million.”
“Forty million? Wow. I’d have fun at Home Depot and Culver’s with that kind of dough. What’d Chicago do with the Fields kid, their starter last year?”
“They sent him to Pittsburgh for some draft picks and a bag of Cool Ranch, Dad. Pretty good move for the Steelers, I think.”
“Ooh, I like Cool Ranch. But Pittsburgh? So, he’s gonna compete with Kenny Pickett and Mason Rudolph? Very interesting.”
“Actually, no. Pickett is in Philly, Rudolph is in Tennessee1 and Fields is competing with Russell Wilson!”
“Oh man, I can’t stand the Birds. But Wilson! He’s a Richmond man, son, just like yours truly. Who’d they replace him with in Denver?”
“The new Broncos QB is Bo Nix, a 26-year-old rookie.”
“Twenty-six! Son, I remember those days. I was courting your mom back in Peoria. She was putty in your old man’s hands…”
(CHIEF dozes off momentarily…then yells)
“Hey, whatever happened to my guy, Heineken?”
“Taylor Heinicke?”
“Yeah, the Virginia kid.”
“He’s now in LA, Pops. Playing for the Chargers and backing up Justin Herbert.”
“I always liked that guy, he’s got moxie. Reminds me when I was 26, courting your mom back in Peoria. She was putty in your old man’s hands.”
“Yeah, you mentioned that.”
“Say, Son, did I ever tell you the story about…”
(GURU dozes off)
“…and then she said, ‘I do’ and that was that. Hook, line and sinker.”
“Great story, Pops. Just like the first 800 times you told it. Now guess who is quarterbacking in Atlanta.”
“It’s the kid from the University of Cincinnati, right? The Knight Rider?”
“Desmond Ridder? No, Dad, he’s in Arizona, backing up Kyler Murray. The new QB for the Falcons is our buddy Kirk Cousins, and #2 guy is Michael Penix, a rookie from the University of Washington.”
“Captain Kirk, ah. I loved that guy. So, who replaced him in Minnesota?”
“They signed Sam Darnold, the former top pick by the Jets from USC, and drafted JJ McCarthy from Michigan to become the eventual starter.”
“How about that? And our guys in Washington are still Slingin’ Sammy Howell and Jacoby Brissett?”
“Nope, we traded Sammy to Seattle to back up Geno Smith and Brissett is back with his original team, New England. He’s their starter until their rookie draft pick, Drake Maye, is ready to guy. And our Commies’ quarterback is a rookie from LSU. Name is Jayden Daniels, and his backup is Marcus Mariota.”
“Son, we’re changing quarterbacks as often as I have to switch out my Depends, which I’ve done twice during this call with a third time on deck. That’s not good.”
“No, Pops, it’s definitely not. We’ve had eight opening-day starters in the past eight years.”
“Any other news to share?”
“Plenty. Joe Flacco is 39 and still plugging along - he’s in Indy. Gardner Minshew, the dude with the handlebar mustache, went from the Colts to the Raiders and another Virginia guy, Tyrod Taylor, moved from the Giants to the Jets. What else? The former Pats kid, Mac Jones, is in Jacksonville, and Josh Dobbs is now with the Niners. That’s his sixth team in three years.”
“Holy smokes, that’s the astronaut? And what ever happened to the old San Fran QB, the kid who went to Eastern Illinois?”
“Jimmy Garoppolo? He’s now with the Rams, backing up Matthew Stafford. And if he can find his way to the Chargers at some point, he’ll have played for all four California teams.”
“That’s bananas, son. Any coaching changes I should know about?”
“Well…”
“Actually, I better stop you right there. Your mother baked me some muffins with Metamucil as the lead ingredient and I’ve been hitting the can morning, noon and night. I love you, Son! Make sure you and THE TRE MAN call me during the Skins game.”
“You got it, Pops.”
The season mark is 10-7 (.588) after Miami’s Thursday loss to Buffalo. On to the games…
SUNDAY, 1 PM ET — FOX
Tampa (1-0) falls at Dee-troit (1-0) in a rematch of last year’s Divisional Round playoff battle. Remember when these two franchises were longtime rivals in the NFC Central division from 1978-2001?…
…New Orleans (1-0) upsets Dallas (1-0). This is probably more wishful thinking on my part but, hey, if you’re going to wish, wish big!..
…Indianapolis (0-1) wins at Green Bay (0-1) with Jordan Love likely on the shelf this week. The gulf between Love and his backup (Malik Willis) is as wide as my backside…
…Seattle (1-0) loses at New England (1-0) as good buddies Jacoby and Sammy renew acquaintances in Foxboro, albeit with one as a starter (Brissett) and the other (Howell) on the bench. The Patriots’ defense was a sight to behold in Cincinnati last week and could present problems for the Seahawks…
…My Beloved Commies (0-1) get a home victory against the New York Giants (0-1). I know Daniel Jones owns MBC with five career wins and, yes, Baker Mayfield carved our defense like an 18-pound Butterball last week. But I liked what I saw from Jayden Daniels and think we grind out an ugly win.
How ugly? Think the group photo at a Lehigh Football reunion. Commies, 8-7.
SUNDAY, 1 PM ET — CBS
Las Vegas (0-1) falls at Baltimore (0-1). Don’t panic, Raiders fans. Antonio Pierce will right the ship…
…the Los Angeles Chargers (1-0) win at Carolina (0-1). Harbaugh & Co. get the perfect Week Two opponent. This Panthers outfit feels like a modern-day incarnation of the 0-26 Bucs2…
…San Francisco (1-0) wins at Minnesota (1-0) but their old QB, Darnold, puts up a fight. Don’t be surprised if O’Connell finds a way for the Vikes to contend in the NFC North, especially with Jordan Love ailing in Green Bay…
…Cleveland (0-1) remains winless, losing at Jacksonville (0-1). The DeShaun Watson contract is an albatross that will keep this team from reaching its true potential under Kevin Stefanski…
…the New York Jets (0-1) get off the schneid3 at Tennessee (0-1) in a battle of original American Football League organizations. Both began play in 1960, then known as the New York Titans and Houston Oilers, respectively (but not respectfully).
SUNDAY, 4:05 PM ET — FOX
Los Angeles Rams (0-1) wins at Arizona (0-1) in a battle of two franchises that fled the City of St. Louis. The Rams left town after the 2015 season, nearly three decades after the Cardinals bolted for the Desert (1987).
SUNDAY, 4:25 PM ET — FOX
Cincinnati (0-1) falls at Kansas City (1-0). The Bengals seemed off in Week One and KC is not the place you want to travel to if you’re looking to get back on track. Burrow will probably make it close but I’m rollin’ with Mahomes & Reid…
…Pittsburgh (1-0) at Denver (0-1). Twelve years after Tebow and the late Demaryius Thomas took down the Steelers4 in the AFC Wild Card round, the Steelers get a bit of revenge. Call it 16-13, Pittsburgh.
SUNDAY, 8:20 PM ET — NBC/PEACOCK
Chicago (1-0) loses at Houston (1-0). These Bears are promising but, in year two, Demeco Ryans and the Texans are delivering. Houston will be one of the league’s elite franchises over the next decade.
MONDAY, 8:20 PM ET — ESPN/ABC/ESPN+
Atlanta (0-1) remains winless, losing at Philadelphia (1-0). I’d give my fingernails and a piece of an elbow for a Falcons victory but, alas, the Iggles have too much firepower. These are two squads heading in opposite directions.
That’s all for this week, folks. Enjoy the games and God bless!
All data and info courtesy of Pro Football Reference and The Football Database unless noted.
It was a rough road for the Tampa franchise from the very start.
Ok, losing the season opener doesn’t really qualify as being on a schneid but the Jets are so perpetually dismal that 0-1 can feel like 0-8 to the reactionary fan base.
Tebow-mania reached its heights that day with Thomas catching a crosser and taking it 80 yards to the house.