Welcome to the 2024 Season
The NFL heads south - way south - in Week One
My friends, we’re hours away from the biggest open to a season since THE TRIBECA MULE packed his gear and went north in search of moose.
There are stories to be told about the big man’s odyssey but, of near-term import are a pair of clashes to kick off the 2024 campaign: Baltimore-Kansas City this evening and Green Bay-Philadelphia tomorrow.
Ravens-Chiefs is a major draw but, for sporting - and comedic - purposes, we’ll focus on Packers-Eagles, arguably the biggest thing to hit Friday night since high school football.
Why should we care about a bunch of cheese lovers slugging it out against a noted den of cheese(steak) eaters? Here’s why: it’s in Brazil! B-R-A-Z-I-L!
When I heard the news, my first thought as a native Midwesterner was “Holy smokes! They’re playing a pro football game in Brazil, Indiana, pop. 8176? What a boon for the local economy!”
Sadly, little Brazil is the poorest municipality in the Hoosier State with 31.6% of residents living below the poverty line as of 2018. Still, it’s home to three well-known Americans: Jimmy Hoffa, Navy Seal David Goggins, and popcorn impresario Orville Redenbacher. Messrs. Hoffa and Goggins have made an impact, sure, but let’s talk about the popcorn tycoon for a minute.
How impactful was Orville? Well, The New York Times described the man as "the agricultural visionary who all but single-handedly revolutionized the American popcorn industry." Sure, Trump quickly denounced the NYT obit as “fake news,” but that sentence about The Big O includes some of the most poetic words I’ve read. In fact, it’s a close second to a letter I got a few years back:
“Sir, we’ve decided not to prosecute you for filling your suitcase and fanny pack with pot roast and bread pudding. We simply ask that you not return to any Golden Corral locations in the future.”
Impressively, the Redenbacher family’s proliferation wasn’t limited to corn kernels as Orville’s two daughters gave him 12 grandchildren and, ultimately, 10 great grandkids. No word on which 11 played offense and which played D.
Fast forwarding to Birds-Packers, lots of folks are wondering how São Paulo was selected for Friday’s contest. I can’t say with certainty but here’s how I think it may have gone down as Commissioner Roger Goodell met with his high-level staff.
GOODELL: I popped “Blame it on Rio” in the VHS last night - that Michael Caine really gets it done - and all the hijinks got me thinking: “Why don’t we do an NFL game in Brazil?”
STAFFER #1: That’s a brilliant idea, sir! Fantastic.
STAFFER #2: Agreed. I was going to suggest Siberia or Guam, but this is just as good!
GOODELL: Great! Now, we have to pick the teams. What’s the rowdiest fanbase in the league?
STAFFERS (in unison): Philly!
GOODELL: Right! And what’s the #1 drinking state in America?
STAFFERS (in unison): Wisconsin!
GOODELL: Correct on both counts! It looks like Eagles vs. Packers to me! Let’s fly both fan bases to Brazil, order up free drinks and a few dozen armored cars have some fun!
As for the game itself, we’ve got two teams that ended the 2023-24 season on opposite notes with Green Bay on the cusp of the NFC Championship game and Philly fading like CHICAGO MIKE’s hairline.
Week One is always a gamble but, behind a couple of big plays from Jalen Hurts, I think Philly gets the win. Of note, the action is only available on NBC’s Peacock Network and kicks off at 8:15 pm ET Friday.
The other game - tonight on NFL Network at 8:20 pm - feels much easier to me. I love the Ravens to win in front of the hostile Kansas City crowd.
Don’t get me wrong: I like the Chiefs and expect them to contend for another Super Bowl but, for whatever reason, they don’t necessarily start fast. Last season they lost their home opener to Dee-troit and the Motor City Madman, Dan Campbell. In 2021, Andy Reid & Co. dropped two of their first three, including a 36-35 defeat to these same Ravens.
Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson went bananas in that game and here’s betting he does it again tonight. Call it 30-27, Ravens.
So, there you have it, folks. Short and sweet. Enjoy the games and I’ll be back this weekend with more (mis)prognostications. God bless!
See your still deflecting from your own short-cummings. Love the picture by the way! That was a good time.