Crystal Ball

WEEK TEN CRYSTAL BALL: GURU Returns from Bye Week(s), Ready for Season’s Second Half

My friends, THE GURU is well rested and refreshed after two weeks off, with the highlight being a boys’ trip with THE CHIEF up the eastern seaboard.

First, understand this: my pops has very few loves in his life. Jesus, family, the Skins, the Virginia Military Institute, anything that pairs well with mayo and a nice long drive. Everything else can be found on the cutting room floor.

The trip was relaxing. The sights were nice. The food was good. But the highlight was the company and the conversation. We talked about what it’s like for him to be 77 and busier than ever, how it felt to visit his 50th state (Maine), and the fun he and mom had in living in Geneva, Paris, Athens and Johannesburg in the first eight years of their marriage. A ginger from Virginia and a small-town girl from Illinois.

In the end, my trip with THE CHIEF was short – just four calorie-laden days – and the focus wasn’t on sightseeing. “How about checking out Boston today?” I asked. “How ‘bout some bangers and mash and a nap?” he replied.

Fortunately, the memories will last far longer than the indigestion. Thanks for the time, Dad, and look for the tab in the mail. That lobster ain’t gonna pay for itself.

The Week Seven record was 9-6 and the season mark is now 63-43 (.594). Let’s move on to the games with Baltimore (4-5), Kansas City (6-3), Oakland (4-5) and the high-flying Philadelphia Eagles (8-1) on the bye. Yes indeed, a well-deserved rest for the mouth breathers from the City of Brotherly Love.



8:25 PM, NFL Network/CBS m

Seattle (5-3) at Arizona (4-4)
Both these teams are eating Sean McVay’s dust but, with his health, Arians shouldn’t be downing anything but fruits and vegetables. SEAHAWKS, 18-16.



Cleveland (0-8) at Dee-troit (4-4). The only guy luckier than AJ McCarron, whose trade to Cleveland fell through last week, is THE GURU, who somehow snared THE FAIR CLAUDINE. DEE-TROIT, 30-16

…Pittsburgh (6-2) at Indianapolis (3-6). The Andrew Luck miscommunication. The Vontae Davis situation. The Colts have so many problems that the Browns are talking smack about them. STEELERS, 28-20

…Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) at Jacksonville (5-3). A loss here and the Tom Coughlin Redface Index may reach the rarely seen 10.0, equivalent in color to the torso of TOMMY BIRD after a day at the beach in August. JAGUARS, 30-27

…New York Jets (4-5) at Tampa (2-6). Todd Bowles is my coach of the year at the halfway point and it’s not even close. This Jets team has no business being near .500 and, interestingly enough, neither do the Bucs. JETS, 19-17.



New Orleans (6-2) at Buffalo (5-3).
In the tailgating matchup of Jambalaya vs. wings, the only loser will be Buffalo native YO AND’s already overtaxed large intestine. BILLS, 26-23…

…Green Bay (4-4) at Chicago (3-5). Good experience for Hundley equals bad experiences for Pack fans. BEARS, 17-16

…Cincinnati (3-5) at Tennessee (5-3).It seems like the last days of Marvin Lewis but who knows – the Bengals, like OBNOXIOUS MIKE, are comfortable with mediocrity. TITANS, 34-22…

…Minnesota (6-2) at Washington (4-4). The Skins are .500 for the first time since 2008 under Jim Zorn (!) – what in the name of FATBACK’s inflamed waistline is going on here? Minnesota, though strong defensively, is a paper tiger. SKINS, 20-17.


4:05 PM, CBS

Houston (3-5) at Los Angeles Rams (6-2). The Texans season effectively ended when Deshaun Watson’s crumpled to the turf last week, but the Rams are flying high under McVay, the pint-sized prodigy who is doing exactly what he was doing in DC the past several seasons. RAMS, 40-19

4:25 PM, FOX

Dallas (5-3) at Atlanta (4-4). The Falcons are still thinking about the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. Ezekiel Elliott is wondering why they don’t just appeal the verdict. FALCONS, 24-22…

…New York Giants (1-7) at San Francisco (0-9).The last time I saw two pugs this unsightly, I was trapped in an elevator with HONG KONG MIKE and HAIRMAN KEN. NINERS, 33-25.

8:30 PM, NBC

New England (6-2) at Denver (3-5). For all the Pats’ early-season troubles, they are headed for their eighth straight season of at least 12 wins. Twelve victories? That’s a great decade in Cleveland. PATS, 33-16.


8:30 PM, ESPN

Miami (4-4) at Carolina (6-3).Jay Cutler sliced and diced the Raiders like a Ginsu-weilding chef last week in a tough loss. He’ll follow it up with a clunker. PANTHERS, 34-24.

That’s it for this week, all. Enjoy the games and God bless!

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